3:59 pm May 30, 2008

These Humans Cannot Be Real

by Jim Newell

Hey look, it’s a cosmic mindfuck disguised as a Hillary video. Two whore diamonds. [YouTube via Rumproast]

Related video


Hola wonkerados.

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loquaciousmusic May 30, 2008 at 4:03 pm

I used to think that being gay was genetically, not environmentally, determined.

Now that this video has turned me gay, I’m not so sure.

RonaldReagansHair May 30, 2008 at 4:04 pm

No way — they are totally being ironic. Right? Right?

Patty Dumpling May 30, 2008 at 4:06 pm

What the fuck. That video makes “It’s Raining McCain” look like “Thriller”.

Doglessliberal May 30, 2008 at 4:06 pm

Is this an anti-Hillary video? I hope so.

Tawmn May 30, 2008 at 4:08 pm

Hey! I got an idea!!! Let’s put on a show!

RonaldReagansHair May 30, 2008 at 4:09 pm

I guess we have to acknowledge that her “broad” coalition has officially expanded to include not just old, bitter white ladies and angry lesbians, but also drum major queens that can’t dance.

NoWireHangers May 30, 2008 at 4:11 pm


You thought that your high school drama teacher had for sure hung up his dreams of stardom when he started directing community theater performances of “Our Town.” But then Hillary decided to run for President and he FINALLY had an outlet for all that pent-up talent.

The budget for this video is more than what Hillz has in cash on hand.

Darehead May 30, 2008 at 4:11 pm

Instead of getting their flash of inspiration from a lightbulb in the bubble, they cast their eyes down a dirty gutter. That was the best part.

loquaciousmusic May 30, 2008 at 4:12 pm

@Patty Dumpling: And that video makes “Hillary 4 U and Me” look like “Le Freak”:


Bitter-Elitist May 30, 2008 at 4:13 pm

Is it just me, or does that guy at the very end (about 4:59) have a really creepy voice?

RonaldReagansHair May 30, 2008 at 4:14 pm

You know, it’s really kind of catchy when you listen to it more than once. Someone with more talent than me needs to work on new lyrics, though.

NotUrEvryDayWEzl May 30, 2008 at 4:14 pm


This video just made me want to STOP being gay.

GIJoeIce May 30, 2008 at 4:17 pm

So this is NOT a trailer for the new Christopher Guest movie?

Doglessliberal May 30, 2008 at 4:17 pm

@NotUrEvryDayWEzl: OK, that just made me laugh loud enough for others in my office to notice.

termite May 30, 2008 at 4:18 pm

“We don’t need no bling”

Is that some sort of racist reference to black people?

Advocatus_Diaboli May 30, 2008 at 4:20 pm

I’m pretty sure this is phenomenal performance art. I base this on the fact that the lead fag strikingly resembles a young George Stephanopolus.

grobby22 May 30, 2008 at 4:21 pm

Sing people, sing your little hearts out! Hilary is defintely partying with you tonight!

fishstickz May 30, 2008 at 4:21 pm

Is that George Stephanopoulos?

Uncle Al May 30, 2008 at 4:23 pm

High school auditorium, somewhere in Oklahoma or Kansas, future theater majors who think this will get them their big break….
Am I close?

shorts May 30, 2008 at 4:25 pm


Clearly. Bling=Barry. RACISTS!

paolaccio May 30, 2008 at 4:25 pm

@loquaciousmusic: I used to be bisexual, but this video has turned me Methodist…

loquaciousmusic May 30, 2008 at 4:25 pm

I nominate this guy as a “traitor,” for sure.

Dramatist May 30, 2008 at 4:26 pm

Hillary getting drunk was apparently just the beginning.

ForTheTurnstiles May 30, 2008 at 4:26 pm

This is totally earnest. These people have no sense of camp.

MadMangosteen May 30, 2008 at 4:27 pm

only two whore diamonds?

RonaldReagansHair May 30, 2008 at 4:27 pm

You know, they cover it up with a lot of balloons and confetti, but there are actually only about 15 people in the entire video. That might make me feel sorry for her again if she were not such a soul-sucking monster.

Lionel Hutz Esq. May 30, 2008 at 4:29 pm

So, this gets two whore diamonds, but Godless Liberal has to give him/herself his/her own whore diamond.

I call shenanigans!

General_Tso May 30, 2008 at 4:30 pm

the guy playing uncle sam reminds me of a white flavor flav

johnbpt May 30, 2008 at 4:32 pm

HA HA! Mr. Mayo-on-White-Bread saying “bling.”

AudicityofHope May 30, 2008 at 4:35 pm

Was this made before or after Ricky Martin’s edorsement?

Doglessliberal May 30, 2008 at 4:36 pm

@termite: yes

TurdBlossom May 30, 2008 at 4:37 pm

The best part is definitely the creepy voiced guy at the very, very end.

johnbpt May 30, 2008 at 4:38 pm

I thought this WAS Ricky Martin’s endorsement.

Tits_LaRue May 30, 2008 at 4:42 pm

Two whore diamonds? You’re trying to fool me, these are obviously CUBIC ZIRCONIA! I mean, you saw the dog wearing sunglasses, right?

AngryBlakGuy May 30, 2008 at 4:43 pm

…I guess this is what happens when you start paying your campaign workers with hits of homemade low-grade METH!

still eggplantparm May 30, 2008 at 4:45 pm

Words. Fail.

@termite: Why, yes, yes it is. No, wait, the makers of this “video” are sorry if anyone was offended by the bling comment.


tigerbot hesh May 30, 2008 at 4:45 pm

YouTube is to blame for this. YouTube must be destroyed.

AngryBlakGuy May 30, 2008 at 4:47 pm

…1st why is it when he says “Bling” they have to show a black person(1:57), 2nd take this as an example my white brothers and sisters; it helps if you have more than ONE dance move, 3rd this damn video must be breaking a half a dozen federal statutes on shear stupidity!

freakishlystrong May 30, 2008 at 4:53 pm

That is the Whitest, Gayest, Cowsillish…hell, am I dosing?

freakishlystrong May 30, 2008 at 4:55 pm

..and now I need a case of Makers Mark..

TGY May 30, 2008 at 4:56 pm

Teh Youtubes, like many software applications, is a wonderful thing until you let actual users touch it.

On the other hand, it was interesting to see all of the young Hillary supporters left in the country gathered in one room.

FunkyPalmettoBug May 30, 2008 at 5:04 pm

This is why a 3 day waiting period for handguns is a bad idea.

killyoko May 30, 2008 at 5:08 pm

I thought I recognized this guy…I think it was even on Wonkette:


1ofUS May 30, 2008 at 5:11 pm

Hillary: she’s one of us.

JewdishoowarySquare May 30, 2008 at 5:13 pm

Hey, catchy! Now please excuse me while I go laugh uncontrollably at something completely unrelated.

Gopherit v2.0 May 30, 2008 at 5:15 pm

I was wondering where all the paultarded liberals went off to.

Son of Mark Penn May 30, 2008 at 5:19 pm

If anyone on the Rules and Bylaws committee sees this, it’s curtains for Obama!

Bigfoot May 30, 2008 at 5:23 pm

How soon we forget–this is our friend from the Texas primary! He seems to have acquired some funds to make this memorable piece of video art out of what was at the time only an incipient (but franly brilliant)idea. My guess is that he has a job coaching junior high cheerleaders somewhere in that great state.

bago May 30, 2008 at 5:24 pm

“Yes we can” is not about you. Especially you.

villageatrois May 30, 2008 at 5:32 pm

Gosh, Beav, those band kids get so excited about universal health care. Pretty keen.

Than May 30, 2008 at 5:44 pm

Yeah- Screw you elitists and your “high production values.”

weirdiowasculpture May 30, 2008 at 5:57 pm

For a while I was trying to figure out whether he got the costume idea from the Music Man, the Sergeant Pepper album, or Michael Jackson in his 30s, but then I figured who the fuck cares and went back to being a heterosexual again.

edgydrifter May 30, 2008 at 6:07 pm

I watched it with the sound off thinking it would suck slightly less. It doesn’t. In fact, it heaps on a whole layer of confusing. It becomes suckfusing.

Anonymous Office Zombie May 30, 2008 at 6:17 pm

Indeed, dancing man, how about we all “get real” and start talking about delegate math.

FunkyPalmettoBug May 30, 2008 at 6:18 pm

@”Son of Mark Penn”: This might be Hilz’s master strategy: play this for the RBC committee, then have their proceedings delayed for 6 weeks as the committee members recover at the GW hospital center. Its sort of like that Monty Python skit(there’s too much about this campaign that can be described this way) with the joke that can kill people.

nowukkers May 30, 2008 at 6:18 pm

Nope. This is “Waiting for Guffman” for 2008. Clearly not made for ass face bastard people

Lazy Media May 30, 2008 at 6:19 pm

I refuse to believe that a single second of that was unplanned. So WTF is up with the church steeple/phallus imagery at the beginning and end? Is he implying that Hillary secretly has a penis, so it’s OK for sexists to vote for her? Or is that some kinda crack at Jeremiah Wright?

And the line, “Put a sign in your hand, and take it home to your man,” coincides with a close-up of a goateed guy who appears to be wearing a baby harness. No comment.

TJBeck May 30, 2008 at 6:58 pm

I mean wow. From the the [after minutes of yelling to an empty street] “I don’t think this is working” comment to the thinly veiled “we don’t need no bling”, to the “take a sign home to your man” part, this is an amazingly ill-conceived video.

Although, thinking about it, it works as a metaphor for the campaign. It starts with two guys standing in a street with a sign yelling at no one in particular, sort of the staple method of campaigning for the Democratic establishment for quite some time. This clearly symbolizes the early Clinton campaign where she relied on name recognition alone in an empty field of candidates to just take her to victory.

Then, when all of a sudden (Iowa) they realize that doesn’t work, they shift strategy, toss the sign in the gutter, and start a ridiculously out-of touch message that desperately tries to be emotionally attached, ‘cool’ and exciting (crying). However, we soon realize that taking a 90s message, removing all influence from the African American community (we don’t need no bling/white rapping style) results in something, just, horrible. The brainwashed supporters all round themselves up in a closed environment (Jezebel, West Virginia) and scream at each other while ignoring the rest of the world.

After a while, they start to tire, and explode out of the confined space to a world where no one is actually listening to them. The empty street at the end is a powerful symbol of the current state of the Hillary campaign.

In the house indeed.

TJBeck May 30, 2008 at 7:05 pm

Also . . . wasn’t she technically already in the white house for 8 years?

DoctorCulturae May 30, 2008 at 8:20 pm

This is clearly the best, most accurately depicted performance art that has even been constructed. It perfectly catches all the bluster, shallowness, anger, and sheer unknowingness of the Hills campaign. This is the purest form of goosebump inducing blather. It is the bridge to the 21st century and as the ending so accurately shows, it leads to Nowhere. The title: “It Takes a Village of Idiots.”

please_be_genital May 30, 2008 at 8:34 pm

I zoned out for a second and then around 1:36 I asked…why does it say “LIAR” behind that guy? Hmmm

valencia May 30, 2008 at 8:43 pm

ok i give up – this has convinced me that hillary really shud be president of the united states

IShotHowardHunt May 30, 2008 at 10:19 pm

I feel the need to point out that this song was actually performed at an HRC rally in Indiana, and supporters were signing the refrain ‘Hillary in the House, Hillary in the White House.’

AudicityofHope May 30, 2008 at 10:24 pm

@killyoko Good golly Miss Molly! He must be the most flamboyant queer in America and he probably “works” with children for his day-job. What a creepy creepy man-thing!

ijustpukedinmymouth May 31, 2008 at 3:02 am

i just puked in my mouth. just a little bit.

Clancy_Pants May 31, 2008 at 9:18 am

@#$! me! Where’s my bottle of Maker’s Mark??? HILLARY!

DoctorCulturae May 31, 2008 at 9:27 am

We have been punked by a couple brilliant auteurs. Note a previous entry “Sexy Jewish Rapper featuring ‘Lonely Girl’.” Make sure you watch till the end. Utterly brilliant.


NoWireHangers May 31, 2008 at 2:55 pm


You just blew my mind.

slowhansolo May 31, 2008 at 7:10 pm

I want to hire that mincing dandy for our next office year-end party.

Magsbe June 1, 2008 at 2:09 pm

I can’t lie, I would totally pay to see this live.

The Loch Ness Monster June 1, 2008 at 5:30 pm

@AudicityofHope (re: “He must be the most flamboyant queer in America and he probably ‘works’ with children”)

Well that’s not cool. I wouldn’t want him to be influencing anyone’s taste in music or politics, but I don’t see how being flamboyant has anything to do with whether he’s safe around children.

If he were a priest or a republican congressman, we might have something to worry about.

shortsshortsshorts June 1, 2008 at 9:48 pm

I see teh gays continue their love of Hillary. Luckily all my SF GAY GAY GAY friends are going black and never going back. These people are merely forgotten bitter terrorists.

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