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These Humans Cannot Be Real

Hey look, it’s a cosmic mindfuck disguised as a Hillary video. Two whore diamonds. [YouTube via Rumproast]


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3:59 PM on Fri May 30 2008
By Jim Newell
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  1. loquaciousmusic says at 4:03 pm, May 30th, 2008

    I used to think that being gay was genetically, not environmentally, determined.

    Now that this video has turned me gay, I’m not so sure.

  2. RonaldReagansHair says at 4:04 pm, May 30th, 2008

    No way — they are totally being ironic. Right? Right?

  3. Patty Dumpling says at 4:06 pm, May 30th, 2008

    What the fuck. That video makes “It’s Raining McCain” look like “Thriller”.

  4. Doglessliberal says at 4:06 pm, May 30th, 2008

    Is this an anti-Hillary video? I hope so.

  5. Tawmn says at 4:08 pm, May 30th, 2008

    Hey! I got an idea!!! Let’s put on a show!

  6. RonaldReagansHair says at 4:09 pm, May 30th, 2008

    I guess we have to acknowledge that her “broad” coalition has officially expanded to include not just old, bitter white ladies and angry lesbians, but also drum major queens that can’t dance.

  7. NoWireHangers says at 4:11 pm, May 30th, 2008

    HOLY. FUCK.

    You thought that your high school drama teacher had for sure hung up his dreams of stardom when he started directing community theater performances of “Our Town.” But then Hillary decided to run for President and he FINALLY had an outlet for all that pent-up talent.

    The budget for this video is more than what Hillz has in cash on hand.

  8. Darehead says at 4:11 pm, May 30th, 2008

    Instead of getting their flash of inspiration from a lightbulb in the bubble, they cast their eyes down a dirty gutter. That was the best part.

  9. loquaciousmusic says at 4:12 pm, May 30th, 2008

    @Patty Dumpling: And that video makes “Hillary 4 U and Me” look like “Le Freak”:

    http://youtube.com/watch?v=HMgR-jGoSXQ&feature=related

  10. Bitter-Elitist says at 4:13 pm, May 30th, 2008

    Is it just me, or does that guy at the very end (about 4:59) have a really creepy voice?

  11. RonaldReagansHair says at 4:14 pm, May 30th, 2008

    You know, it’s really kind of catchy when you listen to it more than once. Someone with more talent than me needs to work on new lyrics, though.

  12. NotUrEvryDayWEzl says at 4:14 pm, May 30th, 2008

    @loquaciousmusic:

    This video just made me want to STOP being gay.

  13. GIJoeIce says at 4:17 pm, May 30th, 2008

    So this is NOT a trailer for the new Christopher Guest movie?

  14. Doglessliberal says at 4:17 pm, May 30th, 2008

    @NotUrEvryDayWEzl: OK, that just made me laugh loud enough for others in my office to notice.

  15. termite says at 4:18 pm, May 30th, 2008

    “We don’t need no bling”

    Is that some sort of racist reference to black people?

  16. Advocatus_Diaboli says at 4:20 pm, May 30th, 2008

    I’m pretty sure this is phenomenal performance art. I base this on the fact that the lead fag strikingly resembles a young George Stephanopolus.

  17. grobby22 says at 4:21 pm, May 30th, 2008

    Sing people, sing your little hearts out! Hilary is defintely partying with you tonight!

  18. fishstickz says at 4:21 pm, May 30th, 2008

    Is that George Stephanopoulos?

  19. Uncle Al says at 4:23 pm, May 30th, 2008

    High school auditorium, somewhere in Oklahoma or Kansas, future theater majors who think this will get them their big break….
    Am I close?

  20. shorts says at 4:25 pm, May 30th, 2008

    @termite:

    Clearly. Bling=Barry. RACISTS!

  21. paolaccio says at 4:25 pm, May 30th, 2008

    @loquaciousmusic: I used to be bisexual, but this video has turned me Methodist…

  22. loquaciousmusic says at 4:25 pm, May 30th, 2008

    I nominate this guy as a “traitor,” for sure.

  23. Dramatist says at 4:26 pm, May 30th, 2008

    Hillary getting drunk was apparently just the beginning.

  24. ForTheTurnstiles says at 4:26 pm, May 30th, 2008

    This is totally earnest. These people have no sense of camp.

  25. MadMangosteen says at 4:27 pm, May 30th, 2008

    only two whore diamonds?

  26. RonaldReagansHair says at 4:27 pm, May 30th, 2008

    You know, they cover it up with a lot of balloons and confetti, but there are actually only about 15 people in the entire video. That might make me feel sorry for her again if she were not such a soul-sucking monster.

  27. Lionel Hutz Esq. says at 4:29 pm, May 30th, 2008

    So, this gets two whore diamonds, but Godless Liberal has to give him/herself his/her own whore diamond.

    I call shenanigans!

  28. General_Tso says at 4:30 pm, May 30th, 2008

    the guy playing uncle sam reminds me of a white flavor flav

  29. johnbpt says at 4:32 pm, May 30th, 2008

    HA HA! Mr. Mayo-on-White-Bread saying “bling.”

  30. AudicityofHope says at 4:35 pm, May 30th, 2008

    Was this made before or after Ricky Martin’s edorsement?

  31. Doglessliberal says at 4:36 pm, May 30th, 2008

    @termite: yes

  32. TurdBlossom says at 4:37 pm, May 30th, 2008

    The best part is definitely the creepy voiced guy at the very, very end.

  33. johnbpt says at 4:38 pm, May 30th, 2008

    I thought this WAS Ricky Martin’s endorsement.

  34. Tits_LaRue says at 4:42 pm, May 30th, 2008

    Two whore diamonds? You’re trying to fool me, these are obviously CUBIC ZIRCONIA! I mean, you saw the dog wearing sunglasses, right?

  35. AngryBlakGuy says at 4:43 pm, May 30th, 2008

    …I guess this is what happens when you start paying your campaign workers with hits of homemade low-grade METH!

  36. still eggplantparm says at 4:45 pm, May 30th, 2008

    Words. Fail.

    @termite: Why, yes, yes it is. No, wait, the makers of this “video” are sorry if anyone was offended by the bling comment.

    THAT’S NOT RACIAL TRANSCENDENCE!

  37. tigerbot hesh says at 4:45 pm, May 30th, 2008

    YouTube is to blame for this. YouTube must be destroyed.

  38. AngryBlakGuy says at 4:47 pm, May 30th, 2008

    …1st why is it when he says “Bling” they have to show a black person(1:57), 2nd take this as an example my white brothers and sisters; it helps if you have more than ONE dance move, 3rd this damn video must be breaking a half a dozen federal statutes on shear stupidity!

  39. freakishlystrong says at 4:53 pm, May 30th, 2008

    That is the Whitest, Gayest, Cowsillish…hell, am I dosing?

  40. freakishlystrong says at 4:55 pm, May 30th, 2008

    ..and now I need a case of Makers Mark..

  41. Teh Youtubes, like many software applications, is a wonderful thing until you let actual users touch it.

    On the other hand, it was interesting to see all of the young Hillary supporters left in the country gathered in one room.

  42. FunkyPalmettoBug says at 5:04 pm, May 30th, 2008

    This is why a 3 day waiting period for handguns is a bad idea.

  43. killyoko says at 5:08 pm, May 30th, 2008

    I thought I recognized this guy…I think it was even on Wonkette:

    http://youtube.com/watch?v=knBNX_evIOo&feature=related

  44. 1ofUS says at 5:11 pm, May 30th, 2008

    Hillary: she’s one of us.

  45. JewdishoowarySquare says at 5:13 pm, May 30th, 2008

    Hey, catchy! Now please excuse me while I go laugh uncontrollably at something completely unrelated.

  46. Gopherit v2.0 says at 5:15 pm, May 30th, 2008

    I was wondering where all the paultarded liberals went off to.

  47. Son of Mark Penn says at 5:19 pm, May 30th, 2008

    If anyone on the Rules and Bylaws committee sees this, it’s curtains for Obama!

  48. Bigfoot says at 5:23 pm, May 30th, 2008

    How soon we forget–this is our friend from the Texas primary! He seems to have acquired some funds to make this memorable piece of video art out of what was at the time only an incipient (but franly brilliant)idea. My guess is that he has a job coaching junior high cheerleaders somewhere in that great state.

  49. “Yes we can” is not about you. Especially you.

  50. villageatrois says at 5:32 pm, May 30th, 2008

    Gosh, Beav, those band kids get so excited about universal health care. Pretty keen.

  51. Yeah- Screw you elitists and your “high production values.”

  52. weirdiowasculpture says at 5:57 pm, May 30th, 2008

    For a while I was trying to figure out whether he got the costume idea from the Music Man, the Sergeant Pepper album, or Michael Jackson in his 30s, but then I figured who the fuck cares and went back to being a heterosexual again.

  53. edgydrifter says at 6:07 pm, May 30th, 2008

    I watched it with the sound off thinking it would suck slightly less. It doesn’t. In fact, it heaps on a whole layer of confusing. It becomes suckfusing.

  54. Anonymous Office Zombie says at 6:17 pm, May 30th, 2008

    Indeed, dancing man, how about we all “get real” and start talking about delegate math.

  55. FunkyPalmettoBug says at 6:18 pm, May 30th, 2008

    @”Son of Mark Penn”: This might be Hilz’s master strategy: play this for the RBC committee, then have their proceedings delayed for 6 weeks as the committee members recover at the GW hospital center. Its sort of like that Monty Python skit(there’s too much about this campaign that can be described this way) with the joke that can kill people.

  56. nowukkers says at 6:18 pm, May 30th, 2008

    Nope. This is “Waiting for Guffman” for 2008. Clearly not made for ass face bastard people

  57. Lazy Media says at 6:19 pm, May 30th, 2008

    I refuse to believe that a single second of that was unplanned. So WTF is up with the church steeple/phallus imagery at the beginning and end? Is he implying that Hillary secretly has a penis, so it’s OK for sexists to vote for her? Or is that some kinda crack at Jeremiah Wright?

    And the line, “Put a sign in your hand, and take it home to your man,” coincides with a close-up of a goateed guy who appears to be wearing a baby harness. No comment.

  58. TJBeck says at 6:58 pm, May 30th, 2008

    I mean wow. From the the [after minutes of yelling to an empty street] “I don’t think this is working” comment to the thinly veiled “we don’t need no bling”, to the “take a sign home to your man” part, this is an amazingly ill-conceived video.

    Although, thinking about it, it works as a metaphor for the campaign. It starts with two guys standing in a street with a sign yelling at no one in particular, sort of the staple method of campaigning for the Democratic establishment for quite some time. This clearly symbolizes the early Clinton campaign where she relied on name recognition alone in an empty field of candidates to just take her to victory.

    Then, when all of a sudden (Iowa) they realize that doesn’t work, they shift strategy, toss the sign in the gutter, and start a ridiculously out-of touch message that desperately tries to be emotionally attached, ‘cool’ and exciting (crying). However, we soon realize that taking a 90s message, removing all influence from the African American community (we don’t need no bling/white rapping style) results in something, just, horrible. The brainwashed supporters all round themselves up in a closed environment (Jezebel, West Virginia) and scream at each other while ignoring the rest of the world.

    After a while, they start to tire, and explode out of the confined space to a world where no one is actually listening to them. The empty street at the end is a powerful symbol of the current state of the Hillary campaign.

    In the house indeed.

  59. TJBeck says at 7:05 pm, May 30th, 2008

    Also . . . wasn’t she technically already in the white house for 8 years?

  60. DoctorCulturae says at 8:20 pm, May 30th, 2008

    This is clearly the best, most accurately depicted performance art that has even been constructed. It perfectly catches all the bluster, shallowness, anger, and sheer unknowingness of the Hills campaign. This is the purest form of goosebump inducing blather. It is the bridge to the 21st century and as the ending so accurately shows, it leads to Nowhere. The title: “It Takes a Village of Idiots.”

  61. please_be_genital says at 8:34 pm, May 30th, 2008

    I zoned out for a second and then around 1:36 I asked…why does it say “LIAR” behind that guy? Hmmm

  62. valencia says at 8:43 pm, May 30th, 2008

    ok i give up - this has convinced me that hillary really shud be president of the united states

  63. IShotHowardHunt says at 10:19 pm, May 30th, 2008

    I feel the need to point out that this song was actually performed at an HRC rally in Indiana, and supporters were signing the refrain ‘Hillary in the House, Hillary in the White House.’

  64. AudicityofHope says at 10:24 pm, May 30th, 2008

    @killyoko Good golly Miss Molly! He must be the most flamboyant queer in America and he probably “works” with children for his day-job. What a creepy creepy man-thing!

  65. ijustpukedinmymouth says at 3:02 am, May 31st, 2008

    i just puked in my mouth. just a little bit.

  66. Clancy_Pants says at 9:18 am, May 31st, 2008

    @#$! me! Where’s my bottle of Maker’s Mark??? HILLARY!

  67. DoctorCulturae says at 9:27 am, May 31st, 2008

    We have been punked by a couple brilliant auteurs. Note a previous entry “Sexy Jewish Rapper featuring ‘Lonely Girl’.” Make sure you watch till the end. Utterly brilliant.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TMmqZtYj_vQ

  68. NoWireHangers says at 2:55 pm, May 31st, 2008

    @TJBeck

    You just blew my mind.

  69. slowhansolo says at 7:10 pm, May 31st, 2008

    I want to hire that mincing dandy for our next office year-end party.

  70. Magsbe says at 2:09 pm, June 1st, 2008

    I can’t lie, I would totally pay to see this live.

  71. The Loch Ness Monster says at 5:30 pm, June 1st, 2008

    @AudicityofHope (re: “He must be the most flamboyant queer in America and he probably ‘works’ with children”)

    Well that’s not cool. I wouldn’t want him to be influencing anyone’s taste in music or politics, but I don’t see how being flamboyant has anything to do with whether he’s safe around children.

    If he were a priest or a republican congressman, we might have something to worry about.

  72. shortsshortsshorts says at 9:48 pm, June 1st, 2008

    I see teh gays continue their love of Hillary. Luckily all my SF GAY GAY GAY friends are going black and never going back. These people are merely forgotten bitter terrorists.

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