Wonkette
Last week, John McCain released a medical dossier longer than Moby Dick that lingered in gruesome detail over his many benign polyps and lesions. This week, Barack Obama’s doctor revealed that in spite of a youth spent snorting powdery mounds of blow, the candidate is hale, hearty, and possessed of an enviably low triglyceride count. Find out more about Your Barry’s hot bod after the jump.
His doctor wrote the following exciting things in a memo:
- Obama has been treated for ailments including upper respiratory infections, skin rashes and minor injuries.
- “A complete review of systems was unremarkable.”
- “His build was lean and muscular with no excess body fat. His physical examination was completely normal.” Yowza!
- “Laboratory studies included triglycerides of 44 (normal under 150), cholesterol 173 (normal under 200), HDL 68 (normal over 40), and LDL 96 (normal under 130).”
- “Barack Obama Sr. may have been a thief, as it appears he stole the stars from the skies and put them in the eyes of his son, Barack Obama Jr.”
Obama Doc: Candidate in ‘Excellent’ Health [Political Radar]
Sarah, you posted the CROPPED picture of Obama running in the waves?! Sister-friend, how could you! The ladies and teh gehz need the full shot!
Also mentioned in the report–
“Barack Obama is the Kwisatz Haderach; the Man Who Can Be In Many Places At Once.”
I wish my own medical history was that sexy.
Rashy, Coughy, and Hopey.
“A complete review of systems was unremarkable.”
I disagree. I’ve reviewed his systems and found them incredibly remarkable.
That’s funny, Jesse Jackson was in perfect health, too.
Needs to play hoops against McCain.
@TGY
That would be considered elder abuse in some parts.
but since the life expectancy of a black man from chicago is half of that of a white man, mccain wins!
thanks for playing barry, but the white man always wins.
That last quote is gold. And upper respiratory infections? I knew it. Nerd alert!
I, for one, welcome our new replicant president.
@NoWireHangers
Exactly. Who would one want, metaphorically, protectin’ their children at 3 AM: Mr. Hopey McSlamdunk or Mr. Crusty McGeritol?
do we get to ask to see Hillz’s, too, or is that sexist and picking on the woman?
@metropolitan: The “I’m white, and this is mine” meme also includes longevity.
Don’t forget the fact that he’s actually ALIVE, unlike WALNUTS! the undead candidate.
“lean and muscular with no excess body fat”? Is this a medical report or a Penthouse story? I’m getting a little under the collar.
@Patty Dumpling: you know, RFK was in perfect health, when he was shot, in June.
Also, you know who else is tall and lean? Osama bin Laden, that’s who.
@NoWireHangers
And the biggest mismatch since Charles Barkley versus Barney.
@jagorev: Vote for the short, dumpy, out-of-shape candidate! It is safer!
“On further review, Mr. Obama’s stigmata are healing fine and show no signs of infection.”
“A complete review of systems was unremarkable, except for his you-know-what, which is remarkable, baby, undoubtedly remarkable!”
Also, Barack Obama has the blood pressure of a Tibetan yogi: 90/60.
“His build was lean and muscular with no excess body fat. In fact, he’s extremely thin. Freakishly thin. Karen Carpenter thin. Wafer thin. Transparently thin. He’s like back Saran Wrap.”
…more PROOF that Barack Hussein Obama isn’t a true American! Everyone knows that true Americans are flabby, overweight, pasty-faced, lazy(no matter what Hillary says) couch potatoes that would rather play PS3 instead of see the light of day.
Just remeber, our youngest, fittest president, JFK at 43, was shooting up cortisone 16 times a day and riding the downers hard. Healthy isn’t always what it looks like
It was also noted that Barack Obama is also able to heal lepers and multiply grains and seafood because he is Jeebus.
@jagorev: Yeah, and I’ll bet HUSSEIN experienced minor skin rashes, as well.
By “minor skin rashes” he means “extremely volatile Herpes.”
elitest.
@Doglessliberal: hey it’s not HRC’s fault she’s dumpy. just like it’s not her fault that she’s a cry baby, liar, bad dresser and a bitch.
+/- on Hillary mentioning that Bobby Kennady was in fine shape before June of “68?
*Kennedy*…but she may make the same mistake.
Forget the presidency–I wanna know how the brother gets his triglycerides to 45. Is it the smoking? I’m on two meds and cannot get it below 200, dammit. Oops, gotta go, my donuts are ready…..
It’s easy to be slim and trim when you live on the Kalahari and eat nothing but large tubers and walk several hundred miles to take an empty Coke bottle back to the Gods.
I’m going straight to hell for that comment.
Well, now we have Obama’s unplugged financial, medical, gastronomical, boxers-vs-briefs, genealogical, theological and educational dossiers. What remains? Send the queer eye guys in to check for hairballs in his closet, pennies under the cushions, scum in the bathtub, skid marks in the toilet, frayed toothbrush bristles…..?
@Darehead: Past boyfriends’ skeletons in the closet…
@Servo: Crazy gods damn you! LOL though.
Rashy not ashy! Obama 08
What? No page count on the med report? WALNUTZ! had 1200 pages.
j