Wingnuts Rank America’s Best Patriots, Worst Traitors!

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Yes, we get many nutty e-mails, and sometimes when we open them they link to the best websites in the world. One recent example is Country Above Self, which runs this tag line: “Celebrating Patriots and Exposing Traitors.” You can nominate and rank America’s greatest patriots (still living) and its worst liberal socialist traitors (their souls are always dead). It’s everything the Internet has always wanted.

Here are the current rankings:

A few pithy criticisms:

  • We can all agree that Ron Paul’s ranking as America’s #2 greatest traitor is apt. Oh wait, no it’s not at all HE’S THE BEST AMERICAN/CONSTITUTION THING SINCE ADAMS & JEFFERSON, RON PAUL 2008!!!
  • “Dr.” Bill Cosby, despite being a Negro, is a great patriot because he recognizes how terrible his race is, and denounces it. Hint hint, Barack Obama.
  • What’s a “Phony Solider”? Like George W. Bush or something? Or John McCain, because all he did was napalm a bunch of innocent children from his planes, all of which he crashed?

These complaints aside, the two lists are absolutely perfect and you know it. They will be even more perfect (more American) when they accept our submission:

[Country Above Self]

Sponsored Intermission

About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell


Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • sanantonerose

    Deja vu all over again? TRUCK NUTZ 4EVAH.

  • AngryBlakGuy

    …give it ’til next week, 5 bucks say Scott McClellan is ahead of Olberman!

  • kudzu

    Actually, last I checked Alberto Gonzalez was at the top of their list. Since I know they’re monitoring Wonkette I absolutely have to say something to these rednecks: drop fucking dead!

  • Godless Liberal *

    Oh god, I got off the wormhole at the wrong exit and now I’m doomed to relive the same posts over and over again. Someone hold me, or at least point me to the timeloop about assfucking.

  • AngryBlakGuy

    …now that I think about it we should make a concerted effort to push Scott McClellan to the top of the patriots list just shits and giggles!

  • tunamelt

    I thought this was the new Wonkette.

  • norbziness

    Buck Young? That’s either the flat-top guy from Hee Haw or one of JimmyJeff Gannon’s co-stars during his cinematic career.

    I also like the inclusion of phony soldiers, because it gives me a chance to embed this link, assuming that the new design hasn’t taken away that reason for living from me:

    The graphics are INCREDIBLE!

  • CollegeStudent

    @AngryBlakGuy: Dude, did you see that? You’re famous now. So much better than the time a Wonkette commenter made WaPo.

    Um, I think it’s time to make these guys a recurring role on the wonkette, like the the political cartoons guy or when there used to be the “Ask a Lobbyist” feature. You could call this one “Ask a Blathering Right Wing Nutjob with Bad Web Designers”

  • donner_froh

    “The big and powerful Wonkette, lost to Patriotism.”

    While it is possible to parse that sentence in a number of ways based on the comma one thing is clear–the status of Wonkette among this brand of wingnuts.


  • Meaux

    I’m just happy the Cash Fan Dude lives on in screenshot perpetuity.

    Also, I just like to say it: cash fan.

  • V572625694

    The fancy name the neocons gave President Chimpy for this sort of “thinking” was “Manichean,” which who the fuck knows or cares where it comes from. Oh, all right, I’m not too lazy to use the Google:, and hey, it’s Persian, which is like Iranian, which means let’s bomb it!

  • Doglessliberal

    Wasn’t I here before? Am I in Memento? Great movie, not a life I want to live.

  • Doglessliberal

    though any time a posting contains TruckNutz, I am happy to read it over and over.

  • Lionel Hutz Esq.

    So, will all of the editors here make their quotas by just posting old articles? And do I have to come up with new jokes? Or just post the old ones if I remember them?

  • norbziness

    We might be able to take out the incipient Zoroastrian scourge as well!

  • Naked Bunny with a Whip

    Lionel: I just post old jokes regardless.

    Lookit me! I’m a horny naked furry with a whip and stuff!

    See? Comment gold. But I did stay relevant by posting a new pic of my fuzzy ass for all of you to enjoy. Touch it, don’t be shy!

  • StrangelyBrown

    Ahh, Truck Nutz — the Sweet Nutz of Liberty…

    It’s interesting how the wingnuts’ website has changed since the last time I gave two shits about it. Gone are the skulls-n-bones representing the traitors, which are now replaced by some kind of flag and dogshit still-life composition. But why does George Soros get his own special Spider-Man icon?

    Plus someone named “Wonkette .Com” is on the traitors list now. Whoever she is, she needs to be winning by midnight.

  • SayItWithWookies

    They must live in a really small basement to think of Wonkette as a big bad adversary. And where the heck is John Birch on their list?
    @CollegeStudent: Oh that’s overdoing it a bit.

  • AngryBlakGuy

    @CollegeStudent:…not sure exactly what Im looking for, but am I gonna need to call my lawyer? Because Im still a little tapped out from that DUI!

  • Accordion-o-rama

    What’s the deal with the blue-spotted squid favicon?

  • shortsshortsshorts

    I still CANNOT BELIEVE that Truck Nutz is considered “traitor,” and its been a week. You lie Jim! Truck Nutz is as American as apple pie.

    But Country Above Self, are TRAITORS. They do not stand for our American Values. If that website continues, surely the terrorists have won.

  • CollegeStudent

    @AngryBlakGuy: T-minus 14 minutes until Obama rejects and denounces you.

    @SayItWithWookies: What? You like their web design?

  • freeradical

    Soros has a spider cuz he’s all foriegn-sounding and thus doesn’t even rate a poop-flag.

  • ronaldpagan

    Everyone share your top 5 patriots and traitors.


    1. Wonkette*
    2. Alberto Gonzales (duh)
    3. Pavlick Maroza
    4. Larry Craig’s foot
    5. Ted Nugent

    *For putting in all the old comments by hand


    1. Gawker
    2. Cindy Sheehan’s son
    3. Non-closeted gays
    4. FDR
    5. White people who voted for Obama

  • AngryBlakGuy

    @CollegeStudent:…he cant reject and denounce ME! Im his core demographic; black, 27 years old, college educated, male and NON-hardworking! He is stuck with me baby!!!

  • SayItWithWookies

    @CollegeStudent: That was hilarious!

  • AngryBlakGuy


  • Tawmn

    I thought it was okay for soldiers to use their phones…

  • Dr. Spaceman

    They have a discussion board, you know. With all of 12 threads so far.

  • Unindicted Co-Conspirator

    So Ruth Ginsberg & John Paul Stevens are considered patriots but Wesley Clark & Jack Murtha ain’t!
    What a bunch of douches!

  • drunkenredinjun

    Do dez 1490 really good Americans know dat Sean Hannity has a dating website for normal people as well as the gays? I reckon he’s like 20% libertarian, 60% conservative and 88% still an incredible dbag which is better than the 100% dbag he was before i learned this fact.