TOP  1:25 pm May 30, 2008

Wingnuts Rank America’s Best Patriots, Worst Traitors!

by Jim Newell

[Hey comical idiots, we'd never take this post down!]

Yes, we get many nutty e-mails, and sometimes when we open them they link to the best websites in the world. One recent example is Country Above Self, which runs this tag line: “Celebrating Patriots and Exposing Traitors.” You can nominate and rank America’s greatest patriots (still living) and its worst liberal socialist traitors (their souls are always dead). It’s everything the Internet has always wanted.

Here are the current rankings:

A few pithy criticisms:

  • We can all agree that Ron Paul’s ranking as America’s #2 greatest traitor is apt. Oh wait, no it’s not at all HE’S THE BEST AMERICAN/CONSTITUTION THING SINCE ADAMS & JEFFERSON, RON PAUL 2008!!!
  • “Dr.” Bill Cosby, despite being a Negro, is a great patriot because he recognizes how terrible his race is, and denounces it. Hint hint, Barack Obama.
  • What’s a “Phony Solider”? Like George W. Bush or something? Or John McCain, because all he did was napalm a bunch of innocent children from his planes, all of which he crashed?

These complaints aside, the two lists are absolutely perfect and you know it. They will be even more perfect (more American) when they accept our submission:

[Country Above Self]

Related video

Hola wonkerados.

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sanantonerose May 30, 2008 at 1:29 pm

Deja vu all over again? TRUCK NUTZ 4EVAH.

AngryBlakGuy May 30, 2008 at 1:31 pm

…give it ’til next week, 5 bucks say Scott McClellan is ahead of Olberman!

kudzu May 30, 2008 at 1:33 pm

Actually, last I checked Alberto Gonzalez was at the top of their list. Since I know they’re monitoring Wonkette I absolutely have to say something to these rednecks: drop fucking dead!

Godless Liberal * May 30, 2008 at 1:34 pm

Oh god, I got off the wormhole at the wrong exit and now I’m doomed to relive the same posts over and over again. Someone hold me, or at least point me to the timeloop about assfucking.

AngryBlakGuy May 30, 2008 at 1:35 pm

…now that I think about it we should make a concerted effort to push Scott McClellan to the top of the patriots list just shits and giggles!

tunamelt May 30, 2008 at 1:36 pm

I thought this was the new Wonkette.

norbziness May 30, 2008 at 1:36 pm

Buck Young? That’s either the flat-top guy from Hee Haw or one of JimmyJeff Gannon’s co-stars during his cinematic career.

I also like the inclusion of phony soldiers, because it gives me a chance to embed this link, assuming that the new design hasn’t taken away that reason for living from me:

The graphics are INCREDIBLE!

CollegeStudent May 30, 2008 at 1:36 pm

@AngryBlakGuy: Dude, did you see that? You’re famous now. So much better than the time a Wonkette commenter made WaPo.

Um, I think it’s time to make these guys a recurring role on the wonkette, like the the political cartoons guy or when there used to be the “Ask a Lobbyist” feature. You could call this one “Ask a Blathering Right Wing Nutjob with Bad Web Designers”

donner_froh May 30, 2008 at 1:37 pm

“The big and powerful Wonkette, lost to Patriotism.”

While it is possible to parse that sentence in a number of ways based on the comma one thing is clear–the status of Wonkette among this brand of wingnuts.


Meaux May 30, 2008 at 1:37 pm

I’m just happy the Cash Fan Dude lives on in screenshot perpetuity.

Also, I just like to say it: cash fan.

V572625694 May 30, 2008 at 1:38 pm

The fancy name the neocons gave President Chimpy for this sort of “thinking” was “Manichean,” which who the fuck knows or cares where it comes from. Oh, all right, I’m not too lazy to use the Google:, and hey, it’s Persian, which is like Iranian, which means let’s bomb it!

Doglessliberal May 30, 2008 at 1:38 pm

Wasn’t I here before? Am I in Memento? Great movie, not a life I want to live.

Doglessliberal May 30, 2008 at 1:39 pm

though any time a posting contains TruckNutz, I am happy to read it over and over.

Lionel Hutz Esq. May 30, 2008 at 1:40 pm

So, will all of the editors here make their quotas by just posting old articles? And do I have to come up with new jokes? Or just post the old ones if I remember them?

norbziness May 30, 2008 at 1:40 pm

We might be able to take out the incipient Zoroastrian scourge as well!

Naked Bunny with a Whip May 30, 2008 at 1:46 pm

Lionel: I just post old jokes regardless.

Lookit me! I’m a horny naked furry with a whip and stuff!

See? Comment gold. But I did stay relevant by posting a new pic of my fuzzy ass for all of you to enjoy. Touch it, don’t be shy!

StrangelyBrown May 30, 2008 at 1:47 pm

Ahh, Truck Nutz — the Sweet Nutz of Liberty…

It’s interesting how the wingnuts’ website has changed since the last time I gave two shits about it. Gone are the skulls-n-bones representing the traitors, which are now replaced by some kind of flag and dogshit still-life composition. But why does George Soros get his own special Spider-Man icon?

Plus someone named “Wonkette .Com” is on the traitors list now. Whoever she is, she needs to be winning by midnight.

SayItWithWookies May 30, 2008 at 1:53 pm

They must live in a really small basement to think of Wonkette as a big bad adversary. And where the heck is John Birch on their list?
@CollegeStudent: Oh that’s overdoing it a bit.

AngryBlakGuy May 30, 2008 at 1:55 pm

@CollegeStudent:…not sure exactly what Im looking for, but am I gonna need to call my lawyer? Because Im still a little tapped out from that DUI!

Accordion-o-rama May 30, 2008 at 1:57 pm

What’s the deal with the blue-spotted squid favicon?

shortsshortsshorts May 30, 2008 at 2:14 pm

I still CANNOT BELIEVE that Truck Nutz is considered “traitor,” and its been a week. You lie Jim! Truck Nutz is as American as apple pie.

But Country Above Self, are TRAITORS. They do not stand for our American Values. If that website continues, surely the terrorists have won.

CollegeStudent May 30, 2008 at 2:35 pm

@AngryBlakGuy: T-minus 14 minutes until Obama rejects and denounces you.

@SayItWithWookies: What? You like their web design?

freeradical May 30, 2008 at 2:36 pm

Soros has a spider cuz he’s all foriegn-sounding and thus doesn’t even rate a poop-flag.

ronaldpagan May 30, 2008 at 2:46 pm

Everyone share your top 5 patriots and traitors.


1. Wonkette*
2. Alberto Gonzales (duh)
3. Pavlick Maroza
4. Larry Craig’s foot
5. Ted Nugent

*For putting in all the old comments by hand


1. Gawker
2. Cindy Sheehan’s son
3. Non-closeted gays
4. FDR
5. White people who voted for Obama

AngryBlakGuy May 30, 2008 at 3:11 pm

@CollegeStudent:…he cant reject and denounce ME! Im his core demographic; black, 27 years old, college educated, male and NON-hardworking! He is stuck with me baby!!!

SayItWithWookies May 30, 2008 at 3:19 pm

@CollegeStudent: That was hilarious!

AngryBlakGuy May 30, 2008 at 3:26 pm


Tawmn May 30, 2008 at 4:00 pm

I thought it was okay for soldiers to use their phones…

Dr. Spaceman May 30, 2008 at 5:34 pm

They have a discussion board, you know. With all of 12 threads so far.

Unindicted Co-Conspirator May 30, 2008 at 11:07 pm

So Ruth Ginsberg & John Paul Stevens are considered patriots but Wesley Clark & Jack Murtha ain’t!
What a bunch of douches!

drunkenredinjun June 5, 2008 at 1:37 am

Do dez 1490 really good Americans know dat Sean Hannity has a dating website for normal people as well as the gays? I reckon he’s like 20% libertarian, 60% conservative and 88% still an incredible dbag which is better than the 100% dbag he was before i learned this fact.

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