OMG is them librulz inna \'puter?The Internet is a computer-based system that constantly baffles dumb people who use the Internet. This tragic fact was proven again today when our favorite website, “Country Above Self,” excitedly announced that Wonkette had shamefully removed all the Wonkette posts calling “Country Above Self” a virtual home for the retarded.

In confusing reality, Wonkette moved from its old home on Gawker’s computerized computer servers to our new home at BlogAds/Pressflex, which has different computerized computer servers. Regular readers of our site know this, because the whole site has been crazy fucked up since Wednesday night and is only now starting to return to normalcy, as they say.

So the old tags don’t quite work yet, meaning if you use last week’s URL for the tag “country above self,” it goes nowhere. Worse, we have a whole week’s worth of posts — from the Kentucky/Oregon primary to Wednesday night — that your editor is moving by hand, from Gawker’s Movable Type system to the new WordPress system, because they weren’t part of the export/import database made last week, which means we also lost the comments from that week. We are sorry if those comments are lost, but we have faith that you people, our Wonkette Commenters, will make comments even more offensive to the dumb douchesacks who do this pathetic “Country Above Self” website, which honestly features a little American flag with shit on it, next to the names of political or entertainment figures these retards are so excited about.

Our own Jim Newell is putting all of our Country Above Self posts on the front page again, just to make it very clear how much we enjoy having posts about these sad, AM-radio-listening halfwit poor people who live in trailer parks with their adult retarded children. We want everyone to laugh at the retarded people, again.

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  1. I also like their reference to “hacking.” Am I correct in thinking that they are using the same definition of “hacking” as my 60 year old mom uses, namely, to refer to anything about computers she doesn’t really understand?

  2. Won’t putting all these old posts back on the front page cause clogs in the series of tubes? Wonkette, you are an irresponsible caretaker of this digitechwhatsit plumbing.

  3. Do you think that these guys are just pissed off because the only mass media they have figured out how to dominate is AM radio, which was invented just after John McCain’s 30th birthday?

  4. Isn’t the idea of ‘country above self’ entirely antithetical to the Bill of Rights? Sort of — um — unpatriotic?

  5. I must say I agree with “Country Above Self” that Wonkette is a cowardly website. And as long as ‘berto Gonzales is at the top of the Patriots list….

    Oh it’s got to be a joke.

  6. @ Dave J. – Everything these guys know about hacking they learned from the movie Hackers. These editors want to perpetuate that film’s stereotypes; Johnny Lee Miller and pre-annoying Angelina Jolie were much hotter than any “computer people” ever had business being.

  7. Just to show how dumb those douchbags are, neither Dick Cheney
    or George W Bush are included on the “TRAITORS” list.
    Even though some woman no one has ever heard of is there
    with only six votes!
    And some guy named Ron Paul whom no one has heard of either
    is at the top of the list!
    What morans.

  8. I am rather disappointed that Wonkette only ranks 52 on the shit-on-a-flag list. Come on people, we’re being beaten by Gen. Paul Eaton!!! We can do better than that!!

  9. At least the site likes Raging Conservative Joe Lieberman as a “patriot.”

    Hey country above-assfucking? Why DONT YOU COME PLAY WITH US OVER HERE if you do not like us going over to your house, douchebags.

  10. i think it should be a FLAMING flag with poo and it should be left on their doorstep.

    PS. when i look at their computer server place from my computer server place i see George Soros is a bee, not a poo poo flag and i can’t figure it out.

    Dave J’s 60 year old mum

  11. Perfect time for me to change my name here, anyway.

    FEMA trailer park fumes do a lot of damage, but not as much as a quarter century of cat pee. This will be important in dealing with future voters who grow up in such establishments.

  12. good to see they have steven colbert in the “patriots” section. i think irony hasn’t been totally defined by them beyond “irony my shirts”.

  13. Can YOU name this traitor?

    “This individual is the poster child for left – nut – case – screw – ball – lunatic – lack-o-logic, infant. He has declared only stupid people fight and die for their country. That makes him stupid as his statement is upside down.”

    That’s right, kiddos, it’s Ted Rall…a cartoonist. A lack-o-logic infant cartoonist.

  14. @Dramatist Hey, wait – when I worked for, we ran this feature called ‘Bachelors of Silicon Valley’ a few times and the guys were totally hot.

    Oh, wait, that’s a lie – they weren’t even San Jose hot. Nor were most of the women of, now that I think back…

  15. From the Chimp Board:
    “Welcome back Wonkettes. Now you can vote yourself as high as you’d like. Its amazing what power a little Patriotic website has over the big bad Wonkette. Whoa… we’re scared. NOT.”

    At first I read it and thought, how do they know we’re high. Anyway, COMEDY GOLD.

  16. Totally and completely OT, but OMFG Clay Aiken has fathered artificially inseminated a 50-year-old woman who is now with child. I think this has Patriot written all over it.

  17. S’ok, my mom still thinks every computer comes with a tiny demon inside, summoned by the dark arts practitioners known as “haxorz”.

    Now, tell me why we can’t forcibly, painfully phase out AM radio like we’re doing to old analog TV?

  18. There’s some kind of subtlety at this site I don’t entirely get. “” is down on the traitors list, sure, but someone got banned for nominating “Wonkette” as a traitor? You’ve got to respect the domain name, I guess.

    I see someone else got banned for nominating “Jim Newell” as a traitor, which must show they believe strongly in the concept of limited liability corporations.

  19. So now that the Paultards have been defeated, the Cold War with RedState is back on?

    We have always been at war with Eastasia.


    At least we can get some more votes. Thanks Fuckfaces Above Anything Else.\

    GODDAMN America, freakin’ half wits. This is to much fun.

  21. @tunamelt:
    Could we crap on the flag, then set it on fire, then leave it on the Chimps’ doorstep, ring the bell and run away?

  22. @tunamelt: How did you reply to my comment with a hyperlinky doo-dad? My comments can’t do that. There is no button on my screen (Windows XP, Firefox 5.0). Boo!

    Anyway, I love that they are the ones posting images of poo-covered flags to symbolize people they think would literally poo on a flag. Now my brain hurts. It’s too meta.

  23. The subheading phrase on the Chimp Board is “Reach back behind, grab a handful and throw.” Isn’t that what Larry Craig said just before he was arrested?

  24. I can’t believe you’re moving all the comments by hand! You just beat Danny Glover to the top of my desert island patriot list!

  25. @ NoWireHangers. You have to do the a href tag yourself, and write the person’s name in to make it appear like it used to with the reply button. I don’t miss that as much as I do the preview function, because I tend to screw up a lot of my HTML tags.

  26. Collectively, I think the wonkette community could push above Ron Paul as #1 traitor. I urge everyone to vote on the Country Above Self site.

  27. Come on people! We’re only at 68 on the traitors list. Not everyone has been banned yet, have they?

    We can’t let Danny Glover be a bigger traitor than us.

  28. Whatever else is added to wonkette, no emoticons please! Anyone who wants to add a barfing head for effect should be forced to figure out html tags and come up with their own.

  29. @tunamelt: Ah, yes the crazy pampleteering. How could I forget Thomas Paine’s gift to American wingnuttery.

    @NoWireHangers: I can’t do the “hyperlinky doo-dad” anymore either, and I don’t have any fancy XP Firefox stuff either. When will Ken Layne stop destroying America and denounce and reject our lack of “hyperlinky doo-dad” ability?

  30. The one thing you can say about this site is that you know Bill O’Reilly masturbates to it with some falafel every night.

  31. @Lionel Huts Esq.: How the hell do you masturbate with a a falafel? Surely it falls apart? Or do you have access to some secret terrorist super falafel? TRAITOR!

  32. Hey, why is George Soros represented by a spider and not poop on a flag? Is that some sort of antisemitism?

    And why is Senator Chuck Hagle, a decorated comabat vetran, a traitor while Dick Cheney, George Bush, Alberto Gonzales and (snort) Michael Reagan are “Patriots.” Why do the bitters hate our American Military so?

  33. One of the patriots is Stephen Colbert. They list him as a Conservative/Patriotic Talkshow host. Their bio for Colbert is:

    Colbert, a native southerner, is the conservative counterbalance to Comedy Central’s resident liberal Jon Stewart. Colbert is best known for his furious defense of President George Bush and sharp criticism of the Main Stream Media at the 2006 White House Correspondent’s Dinner. He is well known for his undying admiration of Bill O’Reilly and his scathing parodies of homosexuals (the ambiguously gay duo) and blame-america-firsters (you know who you are). The best part is that liberals often mindlessly mistake his genuine outrage for sarcasm and believe he’s on their side while he’s quite effectively evicerating them. Stephen Colbert…a true patriot in every sense.

    Give him votes and notify him if he makes number one. It would be good fun to see the Colbert Report and/or the Daily Show do damage to the Country About Self organization.

  34. …and yet they managed to goad you into providing them more web references, hiking up their search engine scoring.

    Whose the dumber double dumb-ass now, hmm?

  35. Oh my God, that Colbert thing is so fucking funny!!! I knew some morans used to think that back in the day, but I thought the White House Correspondents Dinner cleared up any misconceptions.

  36. @ronaldpagan: I have a relative who saw the correspondent’s dinner speech and thought he was genuinely admiring Bush. Seriously.

  37. Click on the thread below to see a weird interaction that involves the changing of the Soros image from a shat upon flag to a bug of some sort. “Patriot” seems to have something big up his sleeve!!!

    From this thread:

    Oh this answer is going to be fun!

    I don’t believe. And it is not a civil matter. Reference back, not forward. If you don’t ‘get it’ when the icon changes on the Traitor’s list (for one person only) you’ll be kicking yourself later. Who coulda thunk it?

  38. @ dgea2 says: May 30th, 2008 at 3:12 pm

    I suppose next you’re going to try and tell me that Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity weren’t comic actors randomly pulled out of Central Casting to portray crude charactures of mindless hyperbolic propagandists for a failed idealology!

  39. I’ve been on their website fucking it up as much as possible, which is difficult being that it’s so fucked up as it is.

  40. Re: Dave J., tunamelt, CollegeStudent

    HREF you say? HTML? WTF is all I understand. Wonkette! Make it easy again! I didn’t know how good I had it. Whhhhhhhhhhhyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  41. @shortsshortsshorts says: May 30th, 2008 at 3:34 pm
    Please nominate my left tit as a patriot, and my right one as a traitor, (my hoo-ha is neutral, like Switzerland and Turkmenistan.)

  42. Hi, Country Above Self people. Glad to see you taking time from beating up brown people and guys with thick beards long enough to explore the Internet. It’s a magical place. Congrats on being afraid of everybody and everything that doesn’t think the way you do. You represent the very best in all of us.

  43. @Advocatus_Diaboli

    Oh, and I forgot to mention how flattered we all should be by the comment “Obviously Wonkette has nothing better to do than tear people down with immature comments”.

    We have clearly been doing our job, even through the server change interwebby thing. Kudos to us!

  44. @Godless Liberal: Oh good Christ. There are no words. None. Do you think he got nominated for the Correspondents Dinner in the first place because people thought he was conservative?

    And are private messages ever going to be re-enabled? Because I have a secret to tell termite. Hey termite, do you still have a Gawker account?

  45. ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod

    I was actually called out on that retarded retard of a retard site The Land of the Free for my nomination of John Hinkley Jr. as a Patriot! My voice really was heard! (still no update on my Sam the Eagle nomination. guess he’s acutally a traitor too since he is part of that commie/pinko/liberal scum Jim Henson’s crew)

  46. shortsshortsshorts:

    How have you not been banned yet? I received this the last time I tried to nominate someone:

    “Your access does not have permission to nominate after posting Rick Astley as a Traitor. If that action was not performed by you, someone using the same access is responsible.”

    They loves their Rick Astley over there.

  47. @ronaldpagan – yes, they clearly enjoy the daddy play. how many times did he call us immature and childish?

    spank me i’ve been oh so bad.

  48. check out the description for colbert (patriot):

    “Colbert, a native southerner, is the conservative counterbalance to Comedy Central’s resident liberal Jon Stewart. Colbert is best known for his furious defense of President George Bush and sharp criticism of the Main Stream Media at the 2006 White House Correspondent’s Dinner. He is well known for his undying admiration of Bill O’Reilly and his scathing parodies of homosexuals (the ambiguously gay duo) and blame-america-firsters (you know who you are). The best part is that liberals often mindlessly mistake his genuine outrage for sarcasm and believe he’s on their side while he’s quite effectively evicerating them. Stephen Colbert…a true patriot in every sense.”

    has to be a plant…

  49. It’s maddening how fucking ass-backwards their rationality is. Putting country above self is about the most intrinsically un-patriotic thing one can do! Oh how i miss the old-school self-centered, greedy, laissez-faire Rand-roids of yore.

  50. @ronaldpagan says: Wait, you’re using reply. This happened once before, but i don’t get no more – no reply! (I nearly died)

  51. Shorts your fucking killing it over there! I can’t believe they haven’t disabled comments yet. I’d usually worry that this is driving up ad revenue but Wonkette commenters are all broke, alcoholics who don’t have credit cards. Okay, it’s the end of the workday. I’m going to go beg for change on the streets of Seattle and get me a forty ounce of malt liquor.

  52. “It appears the traitors are easily controlled by making them react. Fools.”

    Dear guy who’s been reading comic books way too late into life and now sounds like Ming the Merciless … so, uh, you wanted all the buttseks comments back?

    You could just tell people yourself that you’re coming out of the closet, lazy ass …

  53. @KevoTron:

    I thought they didn’t let people by 40s in Pioneer Square anymore. Don’t you have to go to a club and do shots with the college kids?

  54. I’m glad either way termite. I’m going to be laughing about poop pants and shitting on Jeebus at happy hour. This is not going to be good. I see some drunkeness in my near future.

  55. I don’t know Lionel… I get hammered in Belltown where I live. Two days ago this homeless transvestite trying to sell me a Real Change newspaper freaked the fuck out when I said no. He threatened to kick me and my friends asses. Our response was “Not in that dress your not! Go put on something classy first.”

  56. a href=”″>@Tra: He does sound a bit like a cheeto-stained Sun Tzu, doesn’t he?

  57. The board is now members only. Quote from the front page: “Chimp Board Proves Its Name: The Chimp Board has been restricted to member only activity due to the children of the corn. It was almost a shame to delete the content posted by wonkette-monkeys. It would have been a grand example of the lunatic asylum’s failed rehabilitation. But their postings were so vile and disgusting, the educational benefit of learning something we already know about them was just not great enough. Members only now, and members will be removed and banned if a common decency is not adhered to. “

  58. @termite:
    Unfortunately, this kind of reveals how big the site really is: Registered users: No registered users. Oh, sure, it also says Total members 9, but I assume this is just the
    set of avatars that Lee (the site owner) has created for himself.

  59. I did a little Googling, and it turns out the site owner, Lee Hempfling, is sort of an old-school Internet crackpot. He has his own theory of the brain and AI that he expounds
    on at and other places. The rants were a bit much for me to read through, but it’s clear he doesn’t care for inductive reasoning. So don’t try to fool him with facts; he’s way beyond that nonsense.

  60. Come on wonketeers, keep voting Colbert and Wonkette up the list. Remember, a vote for Colbert is a vote for truck nutz, and a vote for Wonkette is a vote for buttsex!

  61. If you really want to have fun, go to the site and on the top of the page, click on the “Why Can’t I Vote” tag. Amongst other gut busters, nominating Bill Clinton as a patriot, or Wonkette as a traitor will get you banned.

  62. Hemp Fling? Seriously?
    Hey, people laughed at Archimedes Plutonium, and look where he is
    today! (Speaking of which, where exactly is he today? After the
    “King of Science” got fired from his job as a dishwasher at
    Dartmouth, he disappeared from the Internets.)

  63. Crap, I nearly voted for Hempfling because I figured one of you guys put it up there. I voted for Robert Bork as our greatest patriot instead.

  64. Okay so this is days after its expiration date, but YAYYY Wonkette as a traitor and Steven Colbert as a patriot! If we can surpass Jeremiah Wright, we’ve done our job!

    And also, how do these jackasses justify Colbert’s years on the Daily Show? The whole thing genuinely puzzles me.

  65. @ronaldpagan

    Did JFK actually say that, or are you referring to the “ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country” quote? The latter is a bit less mindlessly altruistic.

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