REPUBLICANS  12:22 pm May 30, 2008

Livid Bob Dole Sends Email Rant To Scott McClellan

by Sara K. Smith

Bob Dole is not happy with you, Scott McClellanRemember how Bob Dole used to be a pleasant old former politician who spent his retirement hawking little blue pills on the teevee? Well now he is very upset with Scott McClellan and let him know via the emails, which were invented several hundred years after Bob Dole first attained elective office. Quotations from his angry E-Communication after the jump.

  • “There are miserable creatures like you in every administration who don’t have the guts to speak up or quit if there are disagreements with the boss or colleagues. No, your type soaks up the benefits of power, revels in the limelight for years, then quits, and spurred on by greed, cashes in with a scathing critique.”
  • “In my nearly 36 years of public service I’ve known of a few like you … No doubt you will ‘clean up’ as the liberal anti-Bush press will promote your belated concerns with wild enthusiasm. When the money starts rolling in you should donate it to a worthy cause, something like, ‘Biting The Hand That Fed Me.’”
  • “Another thought is to weasel your way back into the White House if a Democrat is elected. That would provide a good set up for a second book deal in a few years.”
  • “If all these awful things were happening, and perhaps some may have been, you should have spoken up publicly like a man, or quit your cushy, high profile job.”
  • “You’re a hot ticket now but don’t you, deep down, feel like a total ingrate?”
  • “P.S. Eat a bag of dicks.”
  • “BOB DOLE”

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 69 comments }

freakishlystrong May 30, 2008 at 12:26 pm

Is a pen joke too obvious?

V572625694 May 30, 2008 at 12:28 pm

Wow, best Dole rant ever. I love it when the scales fall off his apparently genial demeanor and you see the ugly, power-grasping monster that lives inside.

Ever wonder why we have a big Army installation in Junction City Kansas, and are spending money like crazy to expand it even though it’s as far from any potential conflict as any place could be and still be in the US?

They don’t call Fort Riley “Fort Dole” for nothing!

AngryBlakGuy May 30, 2008 at 12:28 pm

…why isn’t this asshole senile yet?!

queeraselvis v 2.0 May 30, 2008 at 12:28 pm

Obviously the “Eat a bag of dicks” postscript was in the un-redacted version.

NoWireHangers May 30, 2008 at 12:29 pm

It’s not too obvious:

I bet Bob Dole got so mad that the pencil in his hand snapped in two. I bet Bob Dole got so mad that he then used the pencil stub to stab Scott McClellan in the eye. I bet after he did that Elizabeth Dole told the Red Cross not to help Scott stop the bleeding. I bet that’s how mad he was.

Shypixel May 30, 2008 at 12:29 pm

BOB DOLE! Yes! The John Kerry of Republicans.

You’d think they’d keep him under his rock during an election year, for fear he’ll taint the nominee, much like the Dems are doing with Captain Swiftboat.

AngryBlakGuy May 30, 2008 at 12:30 pm

…shouldn’t he be snorting Viagra off the ass crack of some 13 year old Vietnamese boy like all other retired Republicans?

jagorev May 30, 2008 at 12:31 pm

Bob Dole held elected office during the Eisenhower administration. Just think about that for a second.

ManchuCandidate May 30, 2008 at 12:32 pm

Hey BobDole, scarf back a Pepsi, pop a Viagra and think of Britney Spears when she was hot.

SayItWithWookies May 30, 2008 at 12:33 pm

Wow — somebody woke up on the wrong side of the cryogenic life support chamber this morning.

WIDTAP May 30, 2008 at 12:34 pm

We can only wish that Bob actually said “P.S. Eat a bag of dicks.”, but with his supply of little blue pills running low, the man could never afford to make such an offer.

jagorev May 30, 2008 at 12:35 pm

No wait, scratch that, he was first elected to a state legislature in 1950, which was during the Truman administration. Jesus.

Doglessliberal May 30, 2008 at 12:35 pm

@AngryBlakGuy: I am taking this vituperative and unsolicited email to someone he does not know as a sign he IS senile. Either that or he is a flaming asshat. Could be both, I suppose.

freakishlystrong May 30, 2008 at 12:36 pm

@nowirehangers: I guess it wasn’t too obvious..YOU my freind, deserve a shiny star…

norbziness May 30, 2008 at 12:36 pm

I can’t say I disagree with fingerpoints 1, 4, 5, 6, and 7 of Bob Dole’s assessment. McClellan is an awful little turd of a man; if John Dean had done what McClellan did, he would have ratted on Nixon some in 1978.

shortsshortsshorts May 30, 2008 at 12:36 pm

Totally agree Sara, two bags of dicks would probably do the job.

Bob Dole knows what’s best for America. Bob Dole wants you to be prosperous. Bob Dole will make everything better for the middle class. ‘Problem is Bob Dole doesn’t remember how to get their. Bob Dole for President, ’96.

Jeebus if the guy was old then, he must be a freakin’ relic now.

Advocatus_Diaboli May 30, 2008 at 12:36 pm

whoa, boy

Dave J. May 30, 2008 at 12:37 pm

$50 bucks says his email address ends in .aol.

tunamelt May 30, 2008 at 12:39 pm

You kind of have to love this quote:

“If all these awful things were happening, and perhaps some may have been, you should have spoken up publicly like a man, or quit your cushy, high profile job.”

LascauxcavemanDeux May 30, 2008 at 12:39 pm

GET OFF MY LAWN, McCLELLAN!

econdave May 30, 2008 at 12:40 pm

I’m just impressed that someone of Bob Dole’s age knows how to use the internets!

AngryBlakGuy May 30, 2008 at 12:40 pm

…the Republican party the party where loyalty trumps the law/honesty/life/family/soul/poverty/country/morals/religion(does anyone wanna get tagged in, my fingers hurt?)

shortsshortsshorts May 30, 2008 at 12:41 pm

@LascauxcavemanDeux:

And I would have gotten away with it if it hadn’t been for you damn KIDS.

leonT May 30, 2008 at 12:42 pm

politico “authenticated” the email. they work so hard, they should get one of them pullitzers

TGY May 30, 2008 at 12:43 pm

He can’t be that mad. Note the “Eat a bag of dicks” postscript. If he were really mad, it’d be “Eat bags of dicks”. Or “Eat a bag of megadicks” or possibly “Eat a bag of dykes”, though the last is somewhat ambivalent.

Bob Dole doesn’t know what email is. His staff probably keeps this email around for defections of Republican officials, hence it’s a form rant.

MordecuS May 30, 2008 at 12:43 pm

@AngryBlakGuy:

Even if Jesus Christ posts a comment, I don’t think anyone will top yours.

Da Derga May 30, 2008 at 12:43 pm

DOLE SMASH!!!

He does have a point though, McClellan’s book would have been a bit more helpful, say, five and a half years ago.

tigerbot hesh May 30, 2008 at 12:45 pm

Wow, when Bob Dole was running for POTUS, he was boring as all get-out. Now he’s a screaming, foaming badass! Viva Viagra, indeed!

Patty Dumpling May 30, 2008 at 12:48 pm

Bob Dole should leave intra-party squabbles to the older, more experienced politicians like John McCain.

loquaciousmusic May 30, 2008 at 12:48 pm

I’m surprised that Scott McClellan’s e-mail filter didn’t send it to the “Junk” folder with the rest of the Viagra spam.

lumpenprole May 30, 2008 at 12:48 pm

Bob Dole has become that shrunken thing in a suit from Eraserhead.

What a bag of soggy cat crap. OMGWTFBBQ! A Bush appointee that turned out to be a oppurtunist? Bob Dole is outraged! Eight lawless years of throwing America’s future in the toilet and THIS is what gets a senior stateman angry?

DizzyLizzy May 30, 2008 at 12:49 pm

lord, the series of tubes must be smoking after that doleariffic rant

Humble Pi May 30, 2008 at 12:50 pm

I call bullshit. The man is obviously not Bob Dole. He refered to himself in the first person.

If the email were from Bob Dole, it would have read, “In nearly 36 years of public service, Bob Dole has known a few like you…”

loquaciousmusic May 30, 2008 at 12:51 pm

Also, I love this line:

If all these awful things were happening, and perhaps some may have been, you should have spoken up publicly like a man…

Yes, BE A MAN, FRUMPY! BE A MAN!

I just wish I could embed this cartoon.

http://www.extrememortman.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/03/Bob%20Dole%20tests%20Viagra%20from%20Wagner.gif

Deepthroat May 30, 2008 at 12:51 pm

SayitwithWookies won my vote for the day!

“Wow — somebody woke up on the wrong side of the cryogenic life support chamber this morning”

edgydrifter May 30, 2008 at 12:51 pm

@LascauxcavemanDeux: So by my reconing, the fist-waving angry coot pecking order in DC is such that Bob Dole gets to yell at that young whippersnapper McCain for his unruly hijinks. Dole, in turn, is routinely caned by Robert Byrd for tying strings of tin cans to the dog’s tail and saying “balderdash” in the presence of ladies.

jasonelias May 30, 2008 at 12:54 pm

After all of the shit that’s happened in the past 8 years this fool’s mad about this?

Humble Pi May 30, 2008 at 12:57 pm

@tigerbot: Yeah, he was as exciting as a bag of sand when he was active in politics, but as soon as he lost the bid for president he started being funny on Comedy Central and such. If he had any integrity, he would have been funny on the campaign trail also. Hypocrite!

Tawmn May 30, 2008 at 12:57 pm

Dear Scott,

You take it back or I’ll beat you with my stiff pen.

Love, Bob

DemmeFatale May 30, 2008 at 12:58 pm

Bob has NEVER been pleasant. I remember him as bitter, mean and vicious. He was the original “Prince of Darkness.”

Is he old enough to be McCain’s VP?
Talk about your dream ticket!

BigLar May 30, 2008 at 1:02 pm

“Well, this takes me back to 1934. Admiral Byrd had just reached the pole, only hours ahead of the Three Stooges … and I guess he won the argument, but I walked away with the turnips. The following morning, I resigned my commission in the Coast Guard. The next thing I heard, there was civil war in Spain … and, that’s everything that happened in my life right up to the time I wrote this email.” (with apologies to Grampa Simpson)

spymoose May 30, 2008 at 1:02 pm

Breaking News … “Dole email meant for wife, Libby.”

qwerty42 May 30, 2008 at 1:03 pm

Geeze even Peggy admits “…When I finished the book I came out not admiring Mr. McClellan or liking him but, in terms of the larger arguments, believing him. …”
Wonder if Bob has any thoughts he could share with her?

jagorev May 30, 2008 at 1:06 pm

@spymoose: This can’t be an email to his wife, I hardly see any use of the words “trollop” or “cunt”, which is how senior Republican politicians express their affection.

shortsshortsshorts May 30, 2008 at 1:08 pm

@qwerty42:
I read the article. Peggy is officially a “bleeding heart” liberal. Who would have thought? But as far as Scotty’s book, I don’t think it was for “truth” per se, but $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$.

Not_So_Much May 30, 2008 at 1:11 pm

Um, should a man with only one working arm be talking about ‘hand biting’? Seems odd.

Just sayin…

weirdiowasculpture May 30, 2008 at 1:17 pm

That does it. Bob Dole is now my favorite politician. Can I please change my security question?

My old Gawker login was byproxy May 30, 2008 at 1:24 pm

Why do you have a picture of a wax doll of Bob Dole along with the story?? That’s just weird.

lumpenprole May 30, 2008 at 1:26 pm

I was hoping the grim decline of the GOP would take Peggy away, like a good flush. Not a low capacity flush, but one of those airport bathroom toilet flushes that roars stuff down the tubes.

airport bathroom, hehe.

CollegeStudent May 30, 2008 at 1:30 pm

Damn, Bob Dole has still got some chops, sweet.
Will some please prop him back up on whatever stage he just fell off of so he can keeps spewing that geniusness.

Is it just me, or has all this talk about Bob Dole made anyone else play Magic The Gathering while watching Spin City and drinking Zima?

PeteJayhawk v2.0 May 30, 2008 at 1:31 pm

@V572625694: No, it’s because Geary County is AWESOME!

2goats May 30, 2008 at 1:33 pm

So, it’s sorta, kinda like these aging GOPer wounded war hero guys got the poor impulse control, no? Which would I guess make the possible side effect 4-hour woody really scary.

sanantonerose May 30, 2008 at 1:34 pm

Wow. It’s been a good long while since I’ve thought about Norm MacDonald.

WonksRunAmuck May 30, 2008 at 1:34 pm

@jagorev: elected in 1950 but only 36 years of public service…time off for bad behavior?

V572625694 May 30, 2008 at 1:41 pm

@PeteJayhawk v2.0: Is that the county where Riley is? I’d give it “flat,” but “awesome” is a bit of a reach.

qwerty42 May 30, 2008 at 1:58 pm

@shortsshortsshorts:I’m reserving judgement on that. It is an odd book (AMC, the Original Wonkette, always had snarky things to say about him), but I don’t see him winning the friends or the $$$ that is being charged – by both sides. Will have to see how this turns out.

ReelectTilden May 30, 2008 at 2:13 pm

“P.P.S. 23 skidoo!”

FunkyPalmettoBug May 30, 2008 at 2:22 pm

To be fair to Bob, he scrawled it on a deer hide and his assistant translated the pictographs into english words.

Lionel Hutz Esq. May 30, 2008 at 2:29 pm

I don’t know what is better, Bob Dole going off into codger land, or watching O’Reilly last night complaining that he didn’t get McClellan first, which he should because he has such a large audience of geezers. Oh, and O’Reilly thinks that everything McClellan says must be wrong because Karl Rove and George Tennant told him that, and they have no reason to lie, other than to cover up their total failure in office, but O’Reilly forgot to mention that.

So what I’m taking from this is that Really Old conservatives don’t like them whipper snappers if they dare tell the truth about how foolish they are.

My only question is, were those human dicks or donkey dicks?

FalafelBill May 30, 2008 at 2:30 pm

Sending emails through the internets-tubes isn’t the only thing Bob Dole does with one hand on the mouse and the other wrapped around a cylindrical object.

Lionel Hutz Esq. May 30, 2008 at 2:32 pm

Anyway, if you think that rant is bad, you should have heard what Dole said after he and McCain attended the Sermon on the Mount, which clearly played into the liberal bias of the main stream media, what with all that “poor inheriting the earth” and “blessed are the peacemakers” stuff. As Dole said about Jesus, “There are misserable creatures like you in every religion who don’t have the guts to speak up or quit if there are disagreements with God. No, your type soaks up the benefits of power, revels in the limelight for years, then quits, and spurred on by greed, cashes in with a scathing critique.”

Truer words were never said.

tunamelt May 30, 2008 at 3:02 pm

@FalaflBill

He also plays computer games with a joystick?

mrtrailsafety May 30, 2008 at 4:04 pm

PSSST…Bob…The “Bag-O-Dicks” are out of stock. The next Chinese freighter isn’t due in for another 10 days.

Starling May 30, 2008 at 4:15 pm

Not to defend McClellan, but does Bob Dole remember what happened to Richard Clarke? Valerie Plame?

Denny Hastert was loyal. Where is he now?

Discretion IS the better part of valor where this administration is concerned.

1ofUS May 30, 2008 at 5:38 pm

Hey Vido, come over heeya a fetch this fuckin’ cottin outta my mouth.

Aurelio May 30, 2008 at 5:51 pm

Bob Dole: Who the hell ate my peanut butter?! Peanut butter!

Chris: I guess I did. Why?

Bob Dole: Yeah, well, now it’s gone! Next time, ask! Nobody eats Bob Dole’s peanut butter without asking!

http://snltranscripts.jt.org/95/95orealworld1.phtml

slowhansolo May 30, 2008 at 11:39 pm

Bob’s just mad because Hillary socketed his old man hands.

102415 May 31, 2008 at 12:13 am

Are you all forgetting Bob Dole’s leering ad during the Superbowl co staring the teenage Republican virgin Britany Spears? She was so young she had no rap sheet.

GoldMonkey June 2, 2008 at 5:38 pm

Bob Dole is a bitter, failed, pathetic has-been politician who chose to appear in TV commercials getting an erection (along with his dog!) over Britney Spears when she was a teenager… rather than tell the truth about the horrors of George W. Bush of which he was very much aware.

There are thousands of dead American soldiers, over 300,000 more wounded, because of both of these two men — but only one has had the guts to admit it.

God bless Mr. McClellan. God damn Mr. Dole.

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