Bob Dole is not happy with you, Scott McClellanRemember how Bob Dole used to be a pleasant old former politician who spent his retirement hawking little blue pills on the teevee? Well now he is very upset with Scott McClellan and let him know via the emails, which were invented several hundred years after Bob Dole first attained elective office. Quotations from his angry E-Communication after the jump.

  • “There are miserable creatures like you in every administration who don’t have the guts to speak up or quit if there are disagreements with the boss or colleagues. No, your type soaks up the benefits of power, revels in the limelight for years, then quits, and spurred on by greed, cashes in with a scathing critique.”
  • “In my nearly 36 years of public service I’ve known of a few like you … No doubt you will ‘clean up’ as the liberal anti-Bush press will promote your belated concerns with wild enthusiasm. When the money starts rolling in you should donate it to a worthy cause, something like, ‘Biting The Hand That Fed Me.'”
  • “Another thought is to weasel your way back into the White House if a Democrat is elected. That would provide a good set up for a second book deal in a few years.”
  • “If all these awful things were happening, and perhaps some may have been, you should have spoken up publicly like a man, or quit your cushy, high profile job.”
  • “You’re a hot ticket now but don’t you, deep down, feel like a total ingrate?”
  • “P.S. Eat a bag of dicks.”
  • “BOB DOLE”
    • Bob Dole unloads on McClellan [Jonathan Martin]

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  1. Wow, best Dole rant ever. I love it when the scales fall off his apparently genial demeanor and you see the ugly, power-grasping monster that lives inside.

    Ever wonder why we have a big Army installation in Junction City Kansas, and are spending money like crazy to expand it even though it’s as far from any potential conflict as any place could be and still be in the US?

    They don’t call Fort Riley “Fort Dole” for nothing!

  2. It’s not too obvious:

    I bet Bob Dole got so mad that the pencil in his hand snapped in two. I bet Bob Dole got so mad that he then used the pencil stub to stab Scott McClellan in the eye. I bet after he did that Elizabeth Dole told the Red Cross not to help Scott stop the bleeding. I bet that’s how mad he was.

  3. BOB DOLE! Yes! The John Kerry of Republicans.

    You’d think they’d keep him under his rock during an election year, for fear he’ll taint the nominee, much like the Dems are doing with Captain Swiftboat.

  4. We can only wish that Bob actually said “P.S. Eat a bag of dicks.”, but with his supply of little blue pills running low, the man could never afford to make such an offer.

  5. @AngryBlakGuy: I am taking this vituperative and unsolicited email to someone he does not know as a sign he IS senile. Either that or he is a flaming asshat. Could be both, I suppose.

  6. I can’t say I disagree with fingerpoints 1, 4, 5, 6, and 7 of Bob Dole’s assessment. McClellan is an awful little turd of a man; if John Dean had done what McClellan did, he would have ratted on Nixon some in 1978.

  7. Totally agree Sara, two bags of dicks would probably do the job.

    Bob Dole knows what’s best for America. Bob Dole wants you to be prosperous. Bob Dole will make everything better for the middle class. ‘Problem is Bob Dole doesn’t remember how to get their. Bob Dole for President, ’96.

    Jeebus if the guy was old then, he must be a freakin’ relic now.

  8. You kind of have to love this quote:

    “If all these awful things were happening, and perhaps some may have been, you should have spoken up publicly like a man, or quit your cushy, high profile job.”

  9. …the Republican party the party where loyalty trumps the law/honesty/life/family/soul/poverty/country/morals/religion(does anyone wanna get tagged in, my fingers hurt?)

  10. He can’t be that mad. Note the “Eat a bag of dicks” postscript. If he were really mad, it’d be “Eat bags of dicks”. Or “Eat a bag of megadicks” or possibly “Eat a bag of dykes”, though the last is somewhat ambivalent.

    Bob Dole doesn’t know what email is. His staff probably keeps this email around for defections of Republican officials, hence it’s a form rant.

  11. Wow, when Bob Dole was running for POTUS, he was boring as all get-out. Now he’s a screaming, foaming badass! Viva Viagra, indeed!

  12. I’m surprised that Scott McClellan’s e-mail filter didn’t send it to the “Junk” folder with the rest of the Viagra spam.

  13. Bob Dole has become that shrunken thing in a suit from Eraserhead.

    What a bag of soggy cat crap. OMGWTFBBQ! A Bush appointee that turned out to be a oppurtunist? Bob Dole is outraged! Eight lawless years of throwing America’s future in the toilet and THIS is what gets a senior stateman angry?

  14. I call bullshit. The man is obviously not Bob Dole. He refered to himself in the first person.

    If the email were from Bob Dole, it would have read, “In nearly 36 years of public service, Bob Dole has known a few like you…”

  15. SayitwithWookies won my vote for the day!

    “Wow — somebody woke up on the wrong side of the cryogenic life support chamber this morning”

  16. @LascauxcavemanDeux: So by my reconing, the fist-waving angry coot pecking order in DC is such that Bob Dole gets to yell at that young whippersnapper McCain for his unruly hijinks. Dole, in turn, is routinely caned by Robert Byrd for tying strings of tin cans to the dog’s tail and saying “balderdash” in the presence of ladies.

  17. @tigerbot: Yeah, he was as exciting as a bag of sand when he was active in politics, but as soon as he lost the bid for president he started being funny on Comedy Central and such. If he had any integrity, he would have been funny on the campaign trail also. Hypocrite!

  18. Bob has NEVER been pleasant. I remember him as bitter, mean and vicious. He was the original “Prince of Darkness.”

    Is he old enough to be McCain’s VP?
    Talk about your dream ticket!

  19. “Well, this takes me back to 1934. Admiral Byrd had just reached the pole, only hours ahead of the Three Stooges … and I guess he won the argument, but I walked away with the turnips. The following morning, I resigned my commission in the Coast Guard. The next thing I heard, there was civil war in Spain … and, that’s everything that happened in my life right up to the time I wrote this email.” (with apologies to Grampa Simpson)

  20. Geeze even Peggy admits “…When I finished the book I came out not admiring Mr. McClellan or liking him but, in terms of the larger arguments, believing him. …”
    Wonder if Bob has any thoughts he could share with her?

  21. @spymoose: This can’t be an email to his wife, I hardly see any use of the words “trollop” or “cunt”, which is how senior Republican politicians express their affection.

  22. @qwerty42:
    I read the article. Peggy is officially a “bleeding heart” liberal. Who would have thought? But as far as Scotty’s book, I don’t think it was for “truth” per se, but $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$.

  23. I was hoping the grim decline of the GOP would take Peggy away, like a good flush. Not a low capacity flush, but one of those airport bathroom toilet flushes that roars stuff down the tubes.

    airport bathroom, hehe.

  24. Damn, Bob Dole has still got some chops, sweet.
    Will some please prop him back up on whatever stage he just fell off of so he can keeps spewing that geniusness.

    Is it just me, or has all this talk about Bob Dole made anyone else play Magic The Gathering while watching Spin City and drinking Zima?

  25. So, it’s sorta, kinda like these aging GOPer wounded war hero guys got the poor impulse control, no? Which would I guess make the possible side effect 4-hour woody really scary.

  26. @shortsshortsshorts:I’m reserving judgement on that. It is an odd book (AMC, the Original Wonkette, always had snarky things to say about him), but I don’t see him winning the friends or the $$$ that is being charged – by both sides. Will have to see how this turns out.

  27. I don’t know what is better, Bob Dole going off into codger land, or watching O’Reilly last night complaining that he didn’t get McClellan first, which he should because he has such a large audience of geezers. Oh, and O’Reilly thinks that everything McClellan says must be wrong because Karl Rove and George Tennant told him that, and they have no reason to lie, other than to cover up their total failure in office, but O’Reilly forgot to mention that.

    So what I’m taking from this is that Really Old conservatives don’t like them whipper snappers if they dare tell the truth about how foolish they are.

    My only question is, were those human dicks or donkey dicks?

  28. Sending emails through the internets-tubes isn’t the only thing Bob Dole does with one hand on the mouse and the other wrapped around a cylindrical object.

  29. Anyway, if you think that rant is bad, you should have heard what Dole said after he and McCain attended the Sermon on the Mount, which clearly played into the liberal bias of the main stream media, what with all that “poor inheriting the earth” and “blessed are the peacemakers” stuff. As Dole said about Jesus, “There are misserable creatures like you in every religion who don’t have the guts to speak up or quit if there are disagreements with God. No, your type soaks up the benefits of power, revels in the limelight for years, then quits, and spurred on by greed, cashes in with a scathing critique.”

    Truer words were never said.

  30. Not to defend McClellan, but does Bob Dole remember what happened to Richard Clarke? Valerie Plame?

    Denny Hastert was loyal. Where is he now?

    Discretion IS the better part of valor where this administration is concerned.

  31. Are you all forgetting Bob Dole’s leering ad during the Superbowl co staring the teenage Republican virgin Britany Spears? She was so young she had no rap sheet.

  32. Bob Dole is a bitter, failed, pathetic has-been politician who chose to appear in TV commercials getting an erection (along with his dog!) over Britney Spears when she was a teenager… rather than tell the truth about the horrors of George W. Bush of which he was very much aware.

    There are thousands of dead American soldiers, over 300,000 more wounded, because of both of these two men — but only one has had the guts to admit it.

    God bless Mr. McClellan. God damn Mr. Dole.

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