Livid Bob Dole Sends Email Rant To Scott McClellan

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Bob Dole is not happy with you, Scott McClellanRemember how Bob Dole used to be a pleasant old former politician who spent his retirement hawking little blue pills on the teevee? Well now he is very upset with Scott McClellan and let him know via the emails, which were invented several hundred years after Bob Dole first attained elective office. Quotations from his angry E-Communication after the jump.

  • “There are miserable creatures like you in every administration who don’t have the guts to speak up or quit if there are disagreements with the boss or colleagues. No, your type soaks up the benefits of power, revels in the limelight for years, then quits, and spurred on by greed, cashes in with a scathing critique.”
  • “In my nearly 36 years of public service I’ve known of a few like you … No doubt you will ‘clean up’ as the liberal anti-Bush press will promote your belated concerns with wild enthusiasm. When the money starts rolling in you should donate it to a worthy cause, something like, ‘Biting The Hand That Fed Me.'”
  • “Another thought is to weasel your way back into the White House if a Democrat is elected. That would provide a good set up for a second book deal in a few years.”
  • “If all these awful things were happening, and perhaps some may have been, you should have spoken up publicly like a man, or quit your cushy, high profile job.”
  • “You’re a hot ticket now but don’t you, deep down, feel like a total ingrate?”
  • “P.S. Eat a bag of dicks.”
  • “BOB DOLE”

About the author

Sara K. Smith was Wonkette's morning editor from 2008 to 2010, and now contributes a weekly (?!) column to Wonkette, to prove she still loves you all!

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  • freakishlystrong

    Is a pen joke too obvious?

  • V572625694

    Wow, best Dole rant ever. I love it when the scales fall off his apparently genial demeanor and you see the ugly, power-grasping monster that lives inside.

    Ever wonder why we have a big Army installation in Junction City Kansas, and are spending money like crazy to expand it even though it’s as far from any potential conflict as any place could be and still be in the US?

    They don’t call Fort Riley “Fort Dole” for nothing!

  • AngryBlakGuy

    …why isn’t this asshole senile yet?!

  • queeraselvis v 2.0

    Obviously the “Eat a bag of dicks” postscript was in the un-redacted version.

  • NoWireHangers

    It’s not too obvious:

    I bet Bob Dole got so mad that the pencil in his hand snapped in two. I bet Bob Dole got so mad that he then used the pencil stub to stab Scott McClellan in the eye. I bet after he did that Elizabeth Dole told the Red Cross not to help Scott stop the bleeding. I bet that’s how mad he was.

  • Shypixel

    BOB DOLE! Yes! The John Kerry of Republicans.

    You’d think they’d keep him under his rock during an election year, for fear he’ll taint the nominee, much like the Dems are doing with Captain Swiftboat.

  • AngryBlakGuy

    …shouldn’t he be snorting Viagra off the ass crack of some 13 year old Vietnamese boy like all other retired Republicans?

  • jagorev

    Bob Dole held elected office during the Eisenhower administration. Just think about that for a second.

  • ManchuCandidate

    Hey BobDole, scarf back a Pepsi, pop a Viagra and think of Britney Spears when she was hot.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Wow — somebody woke up on the wrong side of the cryogenic life support chamber this morning.


    We can only wish that Bob actually said “P.S. Eat a bag of dicks.”, but with his supply of little blue pills running low, the man could never afford to make such an offer.

  • jagorev

    No wait, scratch that, he was first elected to a state legislature in 1950, which was during the Truman administration. Jesus.

  • Doglessliberal

    @AngryBlakGuy: I am taking this vituperative and unsolicited email to someone he does not know as a sign he IS senile. Either that or he is a flaming asshat. Could be both, I suppose.

  • freakishlystrong

    @nowirehangers: I guess it wasn’t too obvious..YOU my freind, deserve a shiny star…

  • norbziness

    I can’t say I disagree with fingerpoints 1, 4, 5, 6, and 7 of Bob Dole’s assessment. McClellan is an awful little turd of a man; if John Dean had done what McClellan did, he would have ratted on Nixon some in 1978.

  • shortsshortsshorts

    Totally agree Sara, two bags of dicks would probably do the job.

    Bob Dole knows what’s best for America. Bob Dole wants you to be prosperous. Bob Dole will make everything better for the middle class. ‘Problem is Bob Dole doesn’t remember how to get their. Bob Dole for President, ’96.

    Jeebus if the guy was old then, he must be a freakin’ relic now.

  • Advocatus_Diaboli

    whoa, boy

  • Dave J.

    $50 bucks says his email address ends in .aol.

  • tunamelt

    You kind of have to love this quote:

    “If all these awful things were happening, and perhaps some may have been, you should have spoken up publicly like a man, or quit your cushy, high profile job.”

  • LascauxcavemanDeux


  • econdave

    I’m just impressed that someone of Bob Dole’s age knows how to use the internets!

  • AngryBlakGuy

    …the Republican party the party where loyalty trumps the law/honesty/life/family/soul/poverty/country/morals/religion(does anyone wanna get tagged in, my fingers hurt?)

  • shortsshortsshorts


    And I would have gotten away with it if it hadn’t been for you damn KIDS.

  • leonT

    politico “authenticated” the email. they work so hard, they should get one of them pullitzers

  • TGY

    He can’t be that mad. Note the “Eat a bag of dicks” postscript. If he were really mad, it’d be “Eat bags of dicks”. Or “Eat a bag of megadicks” or possibly “Eat a bag of dykes”, though the last is somewhat ambivalent.

    Bob Dole doesn’t know what email is. His staff probably keeps this email around for defections of Republican officials, hence it’s a form rant.

  • MordecuS


    Even if Jesus Christ posts a comment, I don’t think anyone will top yours.

  • Da Derga


    He does have a point though, McClellan’s book would have been a bit more helpful, say, five and a half years ago.

  • tigerbot hesh

    Wow, when Bob Dole was running for POTUS, he was boring as all get-out. Now he’s a screaming, foaming badass! Viva Viagra, indeed!

  • Patty Dumpling

    Bob Dole should leave intra-party squabbles to the older, more experienced politicians like John McCain.

  • loquaciousmusic

    I’m surprised that Scott McClellan’s e-mail filter didn’t send it to the “Junk” folder with the rest of the Viagra spam.

  • lumpenprole

    Bob Dole has become that shrunken thing in a suit from Eraserhead.

    What a bag of soggy cat crap. OMGWTFBBQ! A Bush appointee that turned out to be a oppurtunist? Bob Dole is outraged! Eight lawless years of throwing America’s future in the toilet and THIS is what gets a senior stateman angry?

  • DizzyLizzy

    lord, the series of tubes must be smoking after that doleariffic rant

  • Humble Pi

    I call bullshit. The man is obviously not Bob Dole. He refered to himself in the first person.

    If the email were from Bob Dole, it would have read, “In nearly 36 years of public service, Bob Dole has known a few like you…”

  • loquaciousmusic

    Also, I love this line:

    If all these awful things were happening, and perhaps some may have been, you should have spoken up publicly like a man…


    I just wish I could embed this cartoon.

  • Deepthroat

    SayitwithWookies won my vote for the day!

    “Wow — somebody woke up on the wrong side of the cryogenic life support chamber this morning”

  • edgydrifter

    @LascauxcavemanDeux: So by my reconing, the fist-waving angry coot pecking order in DC is such that Bob Dole gets to yell at that young whippersnapper McCain for his unruly hijinks. Dole, in turn, is routinely caned by Robert Byrd for tying strings of tin cans to the dog’s tail and saying “balderdash” in the presence of ladies.

  • jasonelias

    After all of the shit that’s happened in the past 8 years this fool’s mad about this?

  • Humble Pi

    @tigerbot: Yeah, he was as exciting as a bag of sand when he was active in politics, but as soon as he lost the bid for president he started being funny on Comedy Central and such. If he had any integrity, he would have been funny on the campaign trail also. Hypocrite!

  • Tawmn

    Dear Scott,

    You take it back or I’ll beat you with my stiff pen.

    Love, Bob

  • DemmeFatale

    Bob has NEVER been pleasant. I remember him as bitter, mean and vicious. He was the original “Prince of Darkness.”

    Is he old enough to be McCain’s VP?
    Talk about your dream ticket!

  • BigLar

    “Well, this takes me back to 1934. Admiral Byrd had just reached the pole, only hours ahead of the Three Stooges … and I guess he won the argument, but I walked away with the turnips. The following morning, I resigned my commission in the Coast Guard. The next thing I heard, there was civil war in Spain … and, that’s everything that happened in my life right up to the time I wrote this email.” (with apologies to Grampa Simpson)

  • spymoose

    Breaking News … “Dole email meant for wife, Libby.”

  • qwerty42

    Geeze even Peggy admits “…When I finished the book I came out not admiring Mr. McClellan or liking him but, in terms of the larger arguments, believing him. …”
    Wonder if Bob has any thoughts he could share with her?

  • jagorev

    @spymoose: This can’t be an email to his wife, I hardly see any use of the words “trollop” or “cunt”, which is how senior Republican politicians express their affection.

  • shortsshortsshorts

    I read the article. Peggy is officially a “bleeding heart” liberal. Who would have thought? But as far as Scotty’s book, I don’t think it was for “truth” per se, but $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$.

  • Not_So_Much

    Um, should a man with only one working arm be talking about ‘hand biting’? Seems odd.

    Just sayin…

  • weirdiowasculpture

    That does it. Bob Dole is now my favorite politician. Can I please change my security question?

  • My old Gawker login was byproxy

    Why do you have a picture of a wax doll of Bob Dole along with the story?? That’s just weird.

  • lumpenprole

    I was hoping the grim decline of the GOP would take Peggy away, like a good flush. Not a low capacity flush, but one of those airport bathroom toilet flushes that roars stuff down the tubes.

    airport bathroom, hehe.

  • CollegeStudent

    Damn, Bob Dole has still got some chops, sweet.
    Will some please prop him back up on whatever stage he just fell off of so he can keeps spewing that geniusness.

    Is it just me, or has all this talk about Bob Dole made anyone else play Magic The Gathering while watching Spin City and drinking Zima?

  • PeteJayhawk v2.0

    @V572625694: No, it’s because Geary County is AWESOME!

  • 2goats

    So, it’s sorta, kinda like these aging GOPer wounded war hero guys got the poor impulse control, no? Which would I guess make the possible side effect 4-hour woody really scary.

  • sanantonerose

    Wow. It’s been a good long while since I’ve thought about Norm MacDonald.

  • WonksRunAmuck

    @jagorev: elected in 1950 but only 36 years of public service…time off for bad behavior?

  • V572625694

    @PeteJayhawk v2.0: Is that the county where Riley is? I’d give it “flat,” but “awesome” is a bit of a reach.

  • qwerty42

    @shortsshortsshorts:I’m reserving judgement on that. It is an odd book (AMC, the Original Wonkette, always had snarky things to say about him), but I don’t see him winning the friends or the $$$ that is being charged – by both sides. Will have to see how this turns out.

  • ReelectTilden

    “P.P.S. 23 skidoo!”

  • FunkyPalmettoBug

    To be fair to Bob, he scrawled it on a deer hide and his assistant translated the pictographs into english words.

  • Lionel Hutz Esq.

    I don’t know what is better, Bob Dole going off into codger land, or watching O’Reilly last night complaining that he didn’t get McClellan first, which he should because he has such a large audience of geezers. Oh, and O’Reilly thinks that everything McClellan says must be wrong because Karl Rove and George Tennant told him that, and they have no reason to lie, other than to cover up their total failure in office, but O’Reilly forgot to mention that.

    So what I’m taking from this is that Really Old conservatives don’t like them whipper snappers if they dare tell the truth about how foolish they are.

    My only question is, were those human dicks or donkey dicks?

  • FalafelBill

    Sending emails through the internets-tubes isn’t the only thing Bob Dole does with one hand on the mouse and the other wrapped around a cylindrical object.

  • Lionel Hutz Esq.

    Anyway, if you think that rant is bad, you should have heard what Dole said after he and McCain attended the Sermon on the Mount, which clearly played into the liberal bias of the main stream media, what with all that “poor inheriting the earth” and “blessed are the peacemakers” stuff. As Dole said about Jesus, “There are misserable creatures like you in every religion who don’t have the guts to speak up or quit if there are disagreements with God. No, your type soaks up the benefits of power, revels in the limelight for years, then quits, and spurred on by greed, cashes in with a scathing critique.”

    Truer words were never said.

  • tunamelt


    He also plays computer games with a joystick?

  • mrtrailsafety

    PSSST…Bob…The “Bag-O-Dicks” are out of stock. The next Chinese freighter isn’t due in for another 10 days.

  • Starling

    Not to defend McClellan, but does Bob Dole remember what happened to Richard Clarke? Valerie Plame?

    Denny Hastert was loyal. Where is he now?

    Discretion IS the better part of valor where this administration is concerned.

  • 1ofUS

    Hey Vido, come over heeya a fetch this fuckin’ cottin outta my mouth.

  • Aurelio

    Bob Dole: Who the hell ate my peanut butter?! Peanut butter!

    Chris: I guess I did. Why?

    Bob Dole: Yeah, well, now it’s gone! Next time, ask! Nobody eats Bob Dole’s peanut butter without asking!

  • slowhansolo

    Bob’s just mad because Hillary socketed his old man hands.

  • 102415

    Are you all forgetting Bob Dole’s leering ad during the Superbowl co staring the teenage Republican virgin Britany Spears? She was so young she had no rap sheet.

  • GoldMonkey

    Bob Dole is a bitter, failed, pathetic has-been politician who chose to appear in TV commercials getting an erection (along with his dog!) over Britney Spears when she was a teenager… rather than tell the truth about the horrors of George W. Bush of which he was very much aware.

    There are thousands of dead American soldiers, over 300,000 more wounded, because of both of these two men — but only one has had the guts to admit it.

    God bless Mr. McClellan. God damn Mr. Dole.