So many problems

Late in the European Night, a new baby Wonkette was born. It is, of course, terribly deformed. But modern technical medicine can turn it into a beautiful, vulgar little swan. Your editors can’t really put up posts right now, due to a kind of monster called a “Domain Name Server.” (Your editor is sending this from a crashed spaceship.) Luckily there is no politics this morning, hurray! TIPS: If this page looks extra screwy, go to Tools or Privacy or whatever your browser has, and EMPTY THE CACHE, and EMPTY THE DOWNLOAD HISTORY, and then restart your browser and try again. Thank you, and next week you won’t remember any of this. (We put a roofie in your coffee.)

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  1. I don’t care for the scary new commenter sign-up procedure. My age? Really? Is Wonkette trying to set me up on a date? Also setting “favorite politician” as a security question is a terrible idea because the answer is the same for 100% of Wonkette commenters (Mark Penn).

  2. I have no followers, but I’m pretty sure I had eleventy billion yesterday, and had two whore diamond stars. Now my avatar is the Vietnamese flag to honor Walnuts and also to show that I have a star.

  3. I have to wait for enough comments to push the submit button out from under the ads on the left — but that’s probably ’cause of the old crappy browser I’m forced to use here (which, if my boss is reading this, is certainly not the office.)

  4. I was hoping that we would be magically transported with the reboot back to a time when Butterstick was young and a virgin and when Matrix still believed in Bush as a messenger from Jebus.

  5. I missed the golden opportunity to steal the identity of someone really funny, but I figure I would have been caught real quick. Like right about now.

  6. I had to recreate my account too.

    Btw, is it really the best idea to allow “Favorite politician” as a “secret” question choice? I mean, a hax0r could hijack like 90% of the accounts here by typing in ‘Barack Obama’.

    I chose to use “First kiss” instead which, obviously, was with “your mom”.

  7. Also, I want my whore diamond back. That was basically all I had going for me in life. Now I have no reason to get up in the morning.

  8. I’ve been waiting for years to penetrate this delectable site! Now, this one flaw in its design has allowed my plan to come to fruition!

  9. @JAGOREV: …yeah I found the whole favorite politician question funny! 5 Bucks says Barack Obama or Chris Dodd unlocks 75% of the accounts

  10. @corinnemic: I don’t believe you. Your post didn’t read as follows:

    ive been waiting for years to penatrate this delecktible site! now this one flaw in it’s design has aloud my plans to cum to fruitition!

  11. I love the uncertainty of knowing whether my comments show up, the minuscule font, the sheer terror of being friend- and follower-less after months of self-imposed unemployment to build up those stats, the avatars the size of subatomic particles, and the apparent eternal permanence of shitty Gawker graphics.

    I have won the victory over myself. I love Big Wonkette!

  12. I LOVE that picture of Santorum’s glorious failure. As a native Pennsylvanian, I was always ashamed that he represented my home state.

  13. And we keep washing up on the shore from the Gawker plane crash.

    I’ll join the club and bitch a little.
    What if my avatar doesn’t WANT to be a square? WHAT THEN?!
    I miss my friends and followers.
    I’m scared. Barry, hold me.

  14. In my experience, the way to transform (or transcend) an ugly duckling into a vulgar swan is to cut off all things that don’t look swan-ish. Or don’t look vulgar-ish. Or do look duckling-like. Sometimes the paper-mache beak you glue back on might have a slight bend in it, but what the hell, it’s not like it’s government work for hurricane recovery.

  15. Why does my favorite politician matter? Does s/he have to be living or dead? Why not ask me what kind of tree I would like to be? Or my favorite narcotic?

  16. On a lighter note, I’m glad I can comment again finally, but it looks like your IT guys have some serious job security.

  17. @somanjackets:I got the 0, I got the bad password, I got the pink jacket, I got it all but I survived because I am in it to win it!

    If this comment actually posts, it will be a miracle. Yes, miracles have gone downhill considerably in recent years.

  18. I’ll say this: this is far less of a clusterfuck than the Fark redesign. Now that was a shitshow.

    Good job, Wonkette IT hamsters!

  19. Well, I’ll be buttfucked (okay, here’s hoping). This thing works! Queeraselvis is back, darlings, but under a newfangled handle. Same avatar, tho. *raves*

  20. Just cuz i heart Barry, does not mean I don’t HATE CHANGE! Testing: buttsecks, buttsecks, defenestrate, defensestrate. This better work, Wonkie.

  21. I’m back, with a whole new account. I was extraordinarily renditioned!
    Well, at least Wonkette is still alive. Well done Editors and your sinister cabal of backroom enablers.

  22. …OMG, Ive been robbed! Someone stole my STAR!!!

    I lost all of my Friends and all of my Followers and all you care about is your precious whore diamond?

    How come no one ever think about me?

  23. Can we get a fucking refund up in here? I used to love to massage peeples avatars and get my greezy fingers all over ’em, give ’em the old queer eye and lick up and down. No more. And I am an impatient 122 year old geezer, dammit. I wants my touchy expandable avatars, my friends, my frenimies, my robot followers, etc. Here are some star parts, too. Please put mine back together:
    <<>. If you want to make it Kosher, add one more to suit.

    thank you.

  24. Hey, I’ve been on a bender for the last 2 weeks and now I see all hell’s broken loose at Wonkette.
    Ken, you’ve put me through a series of computer intestines to get to this point. What’s the point of all this?
    So DHS can access our files more thoroughly??

  25. So here we all are, fresh and clean like virigns. How long until our fall?

    Any bets on who the first to be banned will be? I’m betting it will be the first person who mentions the Snorg Girl. Oooops.

    I thought I was being obvious, but judging from the comments so far, “Adolf Hitler” is not the politician most people entered. I guess I’m safe for a while from being hacked.

  26. Since I always make fun of Basic Instinct, I thought that bad karma turned me into a Paultard. I colliding with a can of pink paint that said I wasn’t a human. At last, I have arrived.

  27. Correction=
    *I kept colliding….”

    Now, to make my way to the alien registration office to get my avatar and….dude, where’s my star?

  28. @Darehead

    Your star, tragically, belongs to Gawker Media and there doesn’t seem to be a refund/compensation policy for the degrading acts you may have had to endure in order to receive it.

  29. okay, who is loquaciousmusic??? must be on staff or sleeping w/said, b/c the only star is w/loquamusic … So??? inquiring minds want to know!!!

    Also, hoping this act will get pulled together.. I too must protest print size, etc. — or were we spoiled by the Grand Wizard Gawker?

  30. GODDAMNED WONKKKETTE!! I just want to say that I’m FUCKING PISSED! I have no superdelegates, my star has disappeared, and I can’t preview a comment. I don’t even know how the fuck to post a picture anymore! Why do you torment me so?!! I was hoping this would be like becoming a “born again Christian”, but oh how wrong I was.

    I feel so violated and confused!

    Someone hold me.

  31. Aw cmon, all you whiners. You want your star back? Go comment at Jezebel. You’re still a star there. Legible typeface and all.

  32. reminds me of my baptism, sort of. except that i’m aware of it and completely dry. i guess i’m also not crying. Thanks, wonkette!!

  33. As a result of the Gawker Liberation of 2008, I am no longer greeted to the site by the greasy-maned “stars” of Gossip Girl. For that I am thankful, O Wonkette.

  34. You forgot who I was. And I forgot my password. Anyhoo I came back with a new identity. Instead of Ferd Berfel I’m Uncle Al. Hello Little Friends, Hello!

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