Wonkette
Late in the European Night, a new baby Wonkette was born. It is, of course, terribly deformed. But modern technical medicine can turn it into a beautiful, vulgar little swan. Your editors can’t really put up posts right now, due to a kind of monster called a “Domain Name Server.” (Your editor is sending this from a crashed spaceship.) Luckily there is no politics this morning, hurray! TIPS: If this page looks extra screwy, go to Tools or Privacy or whatever your browser has, and EMPTY THE CACHE, and EMPTY THE DOWNLOAD HISTORY, and then restart your browser and try again. Thank you, and next week you won’t remember any of this. (We put a roofie in your coffee.)
Emptying the cache and download history didn’t do it for me. I had to go to the Apple store to buy a new computer, and I had to get Al Gore to invent the Internet again.
Now it works!
/cry my Account was deleted….
I have no friends or followers
/wrists
“(We put a roofie in your coffee.)”
Aw shit! It takes two roofies to give me even the slightest….
… what?
If only the typeface in the comments could be smaller, everything would be perfect.
…OMG, Ive been robbed! Someone stole my STAR!!!
roofies… oh my ass is going to be sore tomorrow…
I don’t care for the scary new commenter sign-up procedure. My age? Really? Is Wonkette trying to set me up on a date? Also setting “favorite politician” as a security question is a terrible idea because the answer is the same for 100% of Wonkette commenters (Mark Penn).
…in an effort to avoid confusion I went back to my old avatar
I have no followers, but I’m pretty sure I had eleventy billion yesterday, and had two whore diamond stars. Now my avatar is the Vietnamese flag to honor Walnuts and also to show that I have a star.
I have to wait for enough comments to push the submit button out from under the ads on the left — but that’s probably ’cause of the old crappy browser I’m forced to use here (which, if my boss is reading this, is certainly not the office.)
I was hoping that we would be magically transported with the reboot back to a time when Butterstick was young and a virgin and when Matrix still believed in Bush as a messenger from Jebus.
I missed the golden opportunity to steal the identity of someone really funny, but I figure I would have been caught real quick. Like right about now.
We’ve all been SHIT ON BY the PROFESSIONALS at wonkette!
…with no “reply” buttons how are we expected to effectively insult each other?!
I had to recreate my account too.
Btw, is it really the best idea to allow “Favorite politician” as a “secret” question choice? I mean, a hax0r could hijack like 90% of the accounts here by typing in ‘Barack Obama’.
I chose to use “First kiss” instead which, obviously, was with “your mom”.
Also, I want my whore diamond back. That was basically all I had going for me in life. Now I have no reason to get up in the morning.
I’ve been waiting for years to penetrate this delectable site! Now, this one flaw in its design has allowed my plan to come to fruition!
@seriesoftubescleaner: We’ll do it live — f*ck it!
I am avatarless! Damn you Wonkette, and your man-on-dog action!
@JAGOREV: …yeah I found the whole favorite politician question funny! 5 Bucks says Barack Obama or Chris Dodd unlocks 75% of the accounts
@corinnemic: I don’t believe you. Your post didn’t read as follows:
ive been waiting for years to penatrate this delecktible site! now this one flaw in it’s design has aloud my plans to cum to fruitition!
…and can the comment box get any bigger, I still have a teeny weeny bit of margin left!
@ AngryBlakGuy: I bet “Santorum” unlocks a ton, as does “Larry Craig.”
I love the uncertainty of knowing whether my comments show up, the minuscule font, the sheer terror of being friend- and follower-less after months of self-imposed unemployment to build up those stats, the avatars the size of subatomic particles, and the apparent eternal permanence of shitty Gawker graphics.
I have won the victory over myself. I love Big Wonkette!
I LOVE that picture of Santorum’s glorious failure. As a native Pennsylvanian, I was always ashamed that he represented my home state.
Friendless, followerless, without restrictions; Wonkette has returned to a state of nature.
And we keep washing up on the shore from the Gawker plane crash.
I’ll join the club and bitch a little.
What if my avatar doesn’t WANT to be a square? WHAT THEN?!
I miss my friends and followers.
I’m scared. Barry, hold me.
Dammit. I screwed this up already.
In my experience, the way to transform (or transcend) an ugly duckling into a vulgar swan is to cut off all things that don’t look swan-ish. Or don’t look vulgar-ish. Or do look duckling-like. Sometimes the paper-mache beak you glue back on might have a slight bend in it, but what the hell, it’s not like it’s government work for hurricane recovery.
Why does my favorite politician matter? Does s/he have to be living or dead? Why not ask me what kind of tree I would like to be? Or my favorite narcotic?
maybe this thing will be working by june. after all RFK was shot in june. just talking about a timeline people!
Great, now I have yet another account. Read about OpenID, Wonkette.
Did anyone else get a “0″. shortshortsshorts did, so a new nickname to be used is necessary.
Huzzah! I’m back in! Maybe.
Or not. Boooo.
Yup, I got the magic ‘0′ page, too.
On a lighter note, I’m glad I can comment again finally, but it looks like your IT guys have some serious job security.
@AngryBlakGuy: You mean Jon Meacham’s wife didn’t make you switch it?
I believe I am past the “0″. Testing. I thought this was a subliminal ad for Obama. Or Overstock.com.
@somanjackets:I got the 0, I got the bad password, I got the pink jacket, I got it all but I survived because I am in it to win it!
If this comment actually posts, it will be a miracle. Yes, miracles have gone downhill considerably in recent years.
I am not past the “0″ testing. In fact, I seem to be regressing.
I’ll say this: this is far less of a clusterfuck than the Fark redesign. Now that was a shitshow.
Good job, Wonkette IT hamsters!
I AM STUCK IN THE BROKED INTERWEBS OF 1997! It will get better, I know that much. I miss my star.
@ Mahousu Miracle achieved. I am now testing my comment reply. If THIS works, it will be a Lourdes-level miracle.
wow. that was easier than math.
Testing, testing: buttfucking, Mark Foley, Who Wants to Date Dennis Kucinich?
All’s well.
also: why is wonkette on my mac perfect and barry beautiful while wonkette PC is all fucked up pantsuit style?
oh, wait.
I’m here. I think in one piece. I’m scared and cold. So cold…
Not sure how I passed the Human Test, but either way here I am.
Where are my comments going??
Thank you Mr. Scott, the transporter worked (although my avatar died in the process *sniff*).
How many of you are Tony the Tiger?
Um. Hello? Kitty Harris? Where’dya go?
@ Shorts:
I, for one, welcome our new breakfast cereal overlords.
-Tony
Well, I’ll be buttfucked (okay, here’s hoping). This thing works! Queeraselvis is back, darlings, but under a newfangled handle. Same avatar, tho. *raves*
The comments section is ugly. I’m getting a headache trying to read it. I’ll be patient. I’ve got drugs.
Just cuz i heart Barry, does not mean I don’t HATE CHANGE! Testing: buttsecks, buttsecks, defenestrate, defensestrate. This better work, Wonkie.
Yeehaaaaaaaaaaaaa. And yes, I really am 122 years old, fuckers.
@tcO3…well some things never change. beat me to the test, goddamit.
I’m back, with a whole new account. I was extraordinarily renditioned!
Well, at least Wonkette is still alive. Well done Editors and your sinister cabal of backroom enablers.
I love this picture.
maybe i made it!
No amount of duck tape in the world can fix that “0″ problem.
maybe now my goldfish made it?
Would someone be kind enough to explain if we can retrieve our own identities?
Thank you in advance
Btwbfdimho
HFC these comments look like shit. Now I see why there were complaints. And I thought it was just the font size.
“…OMG, Ive been robbed! Someone stole my STAR!!!”
I lost all of my Friends and all of my Followers and all you care about is your precious whore diamond?
How come no one ever think about me?
Snark withdrawl…
Well, at least I did make it through the worm hole.
Say, the mgmt may want to know the comments look like shit in IE (IE6). Look OK in Firefox.
Can we get a fucking refund up in here? I used to love to massage peeples avatars and get my greezy fingers all over ‘em, give ‘em the old queer eye and lick up and down. No more. And I am an impatient 122 year old geezer, dammit. I wants my touchy expandable avatars, my friends, my frenimies, my robot followers, etc. Here are some star parts, too. Please put mine back together:
<<>. If you want to make it Kosher, add one more to suit.
thank you.
Okay. I left 5 star parts there and somebody stole 2. Now, knock it off!
>>. There!
Hey, I’ve been on a bender for the last 2 weeks and now I see all hell’s broken loose at Wonkette.
Ken, you’ve put me through a series of computer intestines to get to this point. What’s the point of all this?
So DHS can access our files more thoroughly??
I exist again!
or not.
So here we all are, fresh and clean like virigns. How long until our fall?
Any bets on who the first to be banned will be? I’m betting it will be the first person who mentions the Snorg Girl. Oooops.
I thought I was being obvious, but judging from the comments so far, “Adolf Hitler” is not the politician most people entered. I guess I’m safe for a while from being hacked.
Since I always make fun of Basic Instinct, I thought that bad karma turned me into a Paultard. I colliding with a can of pink paint that said I wasn’t a human. At last, I have arrived.
Correction=
*I kept colliding….”
Now, to make my way to the alien registration office to get my avatar and….dude, where’s my star?
Dude, where’s my duck?
@Darehead
Your star, tragically, belongs to Gawker Media and there doesn’t seem to be a refund/compensation policy for the degrading acts you may have had to endure in order to receive it.
Am I here? Or there?
*knocking on wall*
Hello?
…I can SEEE!! and … I can HEAR!!! — but who the hell am I???
Hooray! I’m finally in! Testing! OK!
Hey new Wonkette! You are confusing, but anything with that Santorum picture at its helm can’t be all bad!
I’m here, I’m queer, I’m Dutch. Thank God AnrgyBlakGuy made it in.
gotz starz
I don’t miss my star, yet.
I want the Paultards to come out and play.
This here new comments setup is ugly–and I mean Cindy McCain sans botox ugly.
Oh, Hi. Where’s the link to Jezebel?
@Darehead:
Right on! Welcome to the revolution!!!!!!!!1!
@shorts:
*rEVOLution. Sorry, the font is oh so very small and I cannot read. I’m still younger than WALNUTS! though.
@s.s.shorts:
Forget about the font… It’s the itsy-bitsy icons which I find abhorrent.
okay, who is loquaciousmusic??? must be on staff or sleeping w/said, b/c the only star is w/loquamusic … So??? inquiring minds want to know!!!
Also, hoping this act will get pulled together.. I too must protest print size, etc. — or were we spoiled by the Grand Wizard Gawker?
GODDAMNED WONKKKETTE!! I just want to say that I’m FUCKING PISSED! I have no superdelegates, my star has disappeared, and I can’t preview a comment. I don’t even know how the fuck to post a picture anymore! Why do you torment me so?!! I was hoping this would be like becoming a “born again Christian”, but oh how wrong I was.
I feel so violated and confused!
Someone hold me.
Whoa … I feel … cleansed.
*shifty eyes*
Oh no! My star!
Aw cmon, all you whiners. You want your star back? Go comment at Jezebel. You’re still a star there. Legible typeface and all.
reminds me of my baptism, sort of. except that i’m aware of it and completely dry. i guess i’m also not crying. Thanks, wonkette!!
As a result of the Gawker Liberation of 2008, I am no longer greeted to the site by the greasy-maned “stars” of Gossip Girl. For that I am thankful, O Wonkette.
You forgot who I was. And I forgot my password. Anyhoo I came back with a new identity. Instead of Ferd Berfel I’m Uncle Al. Hello Little Friends, Hello!
Uncle Al
says:
May 30th, 2008 at 12:01 pm
You forgot who I was. And I forgot my password. Anyhoo I came back with a new identity. Instead of Ferd Berfel I’m Uncle Al. Hello Little Friends, Hello!
Ferd Berfel is befriending SCROTUS in another interverse.
This explains it. Ok.