TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES  1:05 pm May 29, 2008

We Have Moved! We’re In Here, Somewhere!

by Ken Layne

So many problems

Late in the European Night, a new baby Wonkette was born. It is, of course, terribly deformed. But modern technical medicine can turn it into a beautiful, vulgar little swan. Your editors can’t really put up posts right now, due to a kind of monster called a “Domain Name Server.” (Your editor is sending this from a crashed spaceship.) Luckily there is no politics this morning, hurray! TIPS: If this page looks extra screwy, go to Tools or Privacy or whatever your browser has, and EMPTY THE CACHE, and EMPTY THE DOWNLOAD HISTORY, and then restart your browser and try again. Thank you, and next week you won’t remember any of this. (We put a roofie in your coffee.)

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Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.


loquaciousmusic May 29, 2008 at 1:10 pm

Emptying the cache and download history didn’t do it for me. I had to go to the Apple store to buy a new computer, and I had to get Al Gore to invent the Internet again.

Now it works!

Shypixel May 29, 2008 at 1:10 pm

/cry my Account was deleted….

I have no friends or followers


Canuckledragger May 29, 2008 at 1:14 pm

“(We put a roofie in your coffee.)”

Aw shit! It takes two roofies to give me even the slightest….

… what?

V572625694 May 29, 2008 at 1:17 pm

If only the typeface in the comments could be smaller, everything would be perfect.

AngryBlakGuy May 29, 2008 at 1:18 pm

…OMG, Ive been robbed! Someone stole my STAR!!!

metropolitan May 29, 2008 at 1:21 pm

roofies… oh my ass is going to be sore tomorrow…

UnreliableNarrator May 29, 2008 at 1:25 pm

I don’t care for the scary new commenter sign-up procedure. My age? Really? Is Wonkette trying to set me up on a date? Also setting “favorite politician” as a security question is a terrible idea because the answer is the same for 100% of Wonkette commenters (Mark Penn).

AngryBlakGuy May 29, 2008 at 1:25 pm

…in an effort to avoid confusion I went back to my old avatar

Dave J. May 29, 2008 at 1:25 pm

I have no followers, but I’m pretty sure I had eleventy billion yesterday, and had two whore diamond stars. Now my avatar is the Vietnamese flag to honor Walnuts and also to show that I have a star.

SayItWithWookies May 29, 2008 at 1:29 pm

I have to wait for enough comments to push the submit button out from under the ads on the left — but that’s probably ’cause of the old crappy browser I’m forced to use here (which, if my boss is reading this, is certainly not the office.)

My old Gawker login was byproxy May 29, 2008 at 1:33 pm

I was hoping that we would be magically transported with the reboot back to a time when Butterstick was young and a virgin and when Matrix still believed in Bush as a messenger from Jebus.

Pop Socket May 29, 2008 at 1:33 pm

I missed the golden opportunity to steal the identity of someone really funny, but I figure I would have been caught real quick. Like right about now.

seriesoftubescleaner May 29, 2008 at 1:34 pm

We’ve all been SHIT ON BY the PROFESSIONALS at wonkette!

AngryBlakGuy May 29, 2008 at 1:35 pm

…with no “reply” buttons how are we expected to effectively insult each other?!

jagorev May 29, 2008 at 1:35 pm

I had to recreate my account too.

Btw, is it really the best idea to allow “Favorite politician” as a “secret” question choice? I mean, a hax0r could hijack like 90% of the accounts here by typing in ‘Barack Obama’.

I chose to use “First kiss” instead which, obviously, was with “your mom”.

jagorev May 29, 2008 at 1:37 pm

Also, I want my whore diamond back. That was basically all I had going for me in life. Now I have no reason to get up in the morning.

corinnemic May 29, 2008 at 1:38 pm

I’ve been waiting for years to penetrate this delectable site! Now, this one flaw in its design has allowed my plan to come to fruition!

SayItWithWookies May 29, 2008 at 1:39 pm

@seriesoftubescleaner: We’ll do it live — f*ck it!

Spence May 29, 2008 at 1:39 pm

I am avatarless! Damn you Wonkette, and your man-on-dog action!

AngryBlakGuy May 29, 2008 at 1:41 pm

@JAGOREV: …yeah I found the whole favorite politician question funny! 5 Bucks says Barack Obama or Chris Dodd unlocks 75% of the accounts

loquaciousmusic May 29, 2008 at 1:42 pm

@corinnemic: I don’t believe you. Your post didn’t read as follows:

ive been waiting for years to penatrate this delecktible site! now this one flaw in it’s design has aloud my plans to cum to fruitition!

AngryBlakGuy May 29, 2008 at 1:45 pm

…and can the comment box get any bigger, I still have a teeny weeny bit of margin left!

Dave J. May 29, 2008 at 1:47 pm

@ AngryBlakGuy: I bet “Santorum” unlocks a ton, as does “Larry Craig.”

norbziness May 29, 2008 at 1:47 pm

I love the uncertainty of knowing whether my comments show up, the minuscule font, the sheer terror of being friend- and follower-less after months of self-imposed unemployment to build up those stats, the avatars the size of subatomic particles, and the apparent eternal permanence of shitty Gawker graphics.

I have won the victory over myself. I love Big Wonkette!

Sasquatch May 29, 2008 at 1:50 pm

I LOVE that picture of Santorum’s glorious failure. As a native Pennsylvanian, I was always ashamed that he represented my home state.

ReelectTilden May 29, 2008 at 1:52 pm

Friendless, followerless, without restrictions; Wonkette has returned to a state of nature.

sweetladyirony May 29, 2008 at 1:54 pm

And we keep washing up on the shore from the Gawker plane crash.

I’ll join the club and bitch a little.
What if my avatar doesn’t WANT to be a square? WHAT THEN?!
I miss my friends and followers.
I’m scared. Barry, hold me.

PeteJayhawk v2.0 May 29, 2008 at 1:55 pm

Dammit. I screwed this up already.

TGY May 29, 2008 at 1:57 pm

In my experience, the way to transform (or transcend) an ugly duckling into a vulgar swan is to cut off all things that don’t look swan-ish. Or don’t look vulgar-ish. Or do look duckling-like. Sometimes the paper-mache beak you glue back on might have a slight bend in it, but what the hell, it’s not like it’s government work for hurricane recovery.

the cold war makes me hot May 29, 2008 at 2:07 pm

Why does my favorite politician matter? Does s/he have to be living or dead? Why not ask me what kind of tree I would like to be? Or my favorite narcotic?

lovethebomb May 29, 2008 at 2:08 pm

maybe this thing will be working by june. after all RFK was shot in june. just talking about a timeline people!

naveed May 29, 2008 at 2:16 pm

Great, now I have yet another account. Read about OpenID, Wonkette.

somanyjackets May 29, 2008 at 2:30 pm

Did anyone else get a “0″. shortshortsshorts did, so a new nickname to be used is necessary.

edgydrifter May 29, 2008 at 2:36 pm

Huzzah! I’m back in! Maybe.

edgydrifter May 29, 2008 at 2:37 pm

Or not. Boooo.

Gopherit v2.0 May 29, 2008 at 2:39 pm

Yup, I got the magic ’0′ page, too.

Gopherit v2.0 May 29, 2008 at 2:40 pm

On a lighter note, I’m glad I can comment again finally, but it looks like your IT guys have some serious job security.

SwanSwanH May 29, 2008 at 2:44 pm

@AngryBlakGuy: You mean Jon Meacham’s wife didn’t make you switch it?

El Bombastico May 29, 2008 at 2:45 pm

I believe I am past the “0″. Testing. I thought this was a subliminal ad for Obama. Or

Mahousu May 29, 2008 at 2:49 pm

@somanjackets:I got the 0, I got the bad password, I got the pink jacket, I got it all but I survived because I am in it to win it!

If this comment actually posts, it will be a miracle. Yes, miracles have gone downhill considerably in recent years.

Mahousu May 29, 2008 at 2:51 pm

I am not past the “0″ testing. In fact, I seem to be regressing.

jagorev May 29, 2008 at 2:51 pm

I’ll say this: this is far less of a clusterfuck than the Fark redesign. Now that was a shitshow.

Good job, Wonkette IT hamsters!

shorts May 29, 2008 at 2:54 pm

I AM STUCK IN THE BROKED INTERWEBS OF 1997! It will get better, I know that much. I miss my star.

El Bombastico May 29, 2008 at 2:54 pm

@ Mahousu Miracle achieved. I am now testing my comment reply. If THIS works, it will be a Lourdes-level miracle.

ladymacbeth May 29, 2008 at 3:01 pm

wow. that was easier than math.

ct03 May 29, 2008 at 3:02 pm

Testing, testing: buttfucking, Mark Foley, Who Wants to Date Dennis Kucinich?

All’s well.

ladymacbeth May 29, 2008 at 3:09 pm

also: why is wonkette on my mac perfect and barry beautiful while wonkette PC is all fucked up pantsuit style?

oh, wait.

NoWireHangers May 29, 2008 at 3:10 pm

I’m here. I think in one piece. I’m scared and cold. So cold…

rockstarjoe May 29, 2008 at 3:25 pm

Not sure how I passed the Human Test, but either way here I am.

Flounder May 29, 2008 at 3:26 pm

Where are my comments going??

BigLar May 29, 2008 at 3:37 pm

Thank you Mr. Scott, the transporter worked (although my avatar died in the process *sniff*).

shorts May 29, 2008 at 3:50 pm

How many of you are Tony the Tiger?

cantabrigia May 29, 2008 at 3:54 pm

Um. Hello? Kitty Harris? Where’dya go?

RobPetrified May 29, 2008 at 4:00 pm

@ Shorts:
I, for one, welcome our new breakfast cereal overlords.

DanaPerinosBabyDaddy May 29, 2008 at 4:01 pm

Well, I’ll be buttfucked (okay, here’s hoping). This thing works! Queeraselvis is back, darlings, but under a newfangled handle. Same avatar, tho. *raves*

NoWireHangers May 29, 2008 at 4:07 pm

The comments section is ugly. I’m getting a headache trying to read it. I’ll be patient. I’ve got drugs.

bitchincamaro May 29, 2008 at 4:22 pm

Just cuz i heart Barry, does not mean I don’t HATE CHANGE! Testing: buttsecks, buttsecks, defenestrate, defensestrate. This better work, Wonkie.

bitchincamaro May 29, 2008 at 4:23 pm

Yeehaaaaaaaaaaaaa. And yes, I really am 122 years old, fuckers.

bitchincamaro May 29, 2008 at 4:26 pm

@tcO3…well some things never change. beat me to the test, goddamit.

wheelie May 29, 2008 at 4:30 pm

I’m back, with a whole new account. I was extraordinarily renditioned!
Well, at least Wonkette is still alive. Well done Editors and your sinister cabal of backroom enablers.

CaptainCrackers May 29, 2008 at 4:39 pm

I love this picture.

DizzyLizzy May 29, 2008 at 4:43 pm

maybe i made it!

shorts May 29, 2008 at 4:44 pm

No amount of duck tape in the world can fix that “0″ problem.

DizzyLizzy May 29, 2008 at 4:45 pm

maybe now my goldfish made it?

btwbfdimho May 29, 2008 at 5:09 pm

Would someone be kind enough to explain if we can retrieve our own identities?
Thank you in advance

qwerty42 May 29, 2008 at 5:19 pm

HFC these comments look like shit. Now I see why there were complaints. And I thought it was just the font size.

WIDTAP May 29, 2008 at 5:20 pm

…OMG, Ive been robbed! Someone stole my STAR!!!

I lost all of my Friends and all of my Followers and all you care about is your precious whore diamond?

How come no one ever think about me?

Tawmn May 29, 2008 at 5:21 pm

Snark withdrawl…

qwerty42 May 29, 2008 at 5:21 pm

Well, at least I did make it through the worm hole.

qwerty42 May 29, 2008 at 5:25 pm

Say, the mgmt may want to know the comments look like shit in IE (IE6). Look OK in Firefox.

bitchincamaro May 29, 2008 at 5:43 pm

Can we get a fucking refund up in here? I used to love to massage peeples avatars and get my greezy fingers all over ‘em, give ‘em the old queer eye and lick up and down. No more. And I am an impatient 122 year old geezer, dammit. I wants my touchy expandable avatars, my friends, my frenimies, my robot followers, etc. Here are some star parts, too. Please put mine back together:
<<>. If you want to make it Kosher, add one more to suit.

thank you.

bitchincamaro May 29, 2008 at 5:58 pm

Okay. I left 5 star parts there and somebody stole 2. Now, knock it off!
>>. There!

WhatTheHeck May 29, 2008 at 6:38 pm

Hey, I’ve been on a bender for the last 2 weeks and now I see all hell’s broken loose at Wonkette.
Ken, you’ve put me through a series of computer intestines to get to this point. What’s the point of all this?
So DHS can access our files more thoroughly??

tunamelt May 29, 2008 at 6:52 pm

I exist again!

tunamelt May 29, 2008 at 6:52 pm

or not.

Lionel Hutz Esq. May 29, 2008 at 7:25 pm

So here we all are, fresh and clean like virigns. How long until our fall?

Any bets on who the first to be banned will be? I’m betting it will be the first person who mentions the Snorg Girl. Oooops.

I thought I was being obvious, but judging from the comments so far, “Adolf Hitler” is not the politician most people entered. I guess I’m safe for a while from being hacked.

Darehead May 29, 2008 at 7:26 pm

Since I always make fun of Basic Instinct, I thought that bad karma turned me into a Paultard. I colliding with a can of pink paint that said I wasn’t a human. At last, I have arrived.

Darehead May 29, 2008 at 7:37 pm

*I kept colliding….”

Now, to make my way to the alien registration office to get my avatar and….dude, where’s my star?

jbd May 29, 2008 at 7:39 pm

Dude, where’s my duck?

tunamelt May 29, 2008 at 7:40 pm


Your star, tragically, belongs to Gawker Media and there doesn’t seem to be a refund/compensation policy for the degrading acts you may have had to endure in order to receive it.

sanantonerose May 29, 2008 at 7:40 pm

Am I here? Or there?

*knocking on wall*


Gopherit v2.0 May 29, 2008 at 7:50 pm


Words May 29, 2008 at 7:57 pm

…I can SEEE!! and … I can HEAR!!! — but who the hell am I???

Tits_LaRue May 29, 2008 at 8:06 pm

Hooray! I’m finally in! Testing! OK!

ronaldpagan May 29, 2008 at 8:12 pm

Hey new Wonkette! You are confusing, but anything with that Santorum picture at its helm can’t be all bad!

Thomas May 29, 2008 at 8:17 pm

I’m here, I’m queer, I’m Dutch. Thank God AnrgyBlakGuy made it in.

bitchincamaro May 29, 2008 at 8:25 pm

gotz starz

bitchincamaro May 29, 2008 at 8:28 pm

shortsshortsshorts May 29, 2008 at 8:29 pm

I don’t miss my star, yet.

I want the Paultards to come out and play.

IcedCoffee May 29, 2008 at 9:51 pm

This here new comments setup is ugly–and I mean Cindy McCain sans botox ugly.

Beef Supreme May 29, 2008 at 10:01 pm

Oh, Hi. Where’s the link to Jezebel?

shortsshortsshorts May 29, 2008 at 10:30 pm


Right on! Welcome to the revolution!!!!!!!!1!

shortsshortsshorts May 29, 2008 at 10:31 pm

*rEVOLution. Sorry, the font is oh so very small and I cannot read. I’m still younger than WALNUTS! though.

Pravda May 29, 2008 at 11:10 pm


Forget about the font… It’s the itsy-bitsy icons which I find abhorrent.

Words May 30, 2008 at 12:00 am

okay, who is loquaciousmusic??? must be on staff or sleeping w/said, b/c the only star is w/loquamusic … So??? inquiring minds want to know!!!

Also, hoping this act will get pulled together.. I too must protest print size, etc. — or were we spoiled by the Grand Wizard Gawker?

AudicityofHope May 30, 2008 at 12:37 am

GODDAMNED WONKKKETTE!! I just want to say that I’m FUCKING PISSED! I have no superdelegates, my star has disappeared, and I can’t preview a comment. I don’t even know how the fuck to post a picture anymore! Why do you torment me so?!! I was hoping this would be like becoming a “born again Christian”, but oh how wrong I was.

I feel so violated and confused!

Someone hold me.

Destonio May 30, 2008 at 1:06 am

Whoa … I feel … cleansed.

AxmxZ May 30, 2008 at 1:52 am

*shifty eyes*

Oh no! My star!

LascauxcavemanDeux May 30, 2008 at 2:11 am

Aw cmon, all you whiners. You want your star back? Go comment at Jezebel. You’re still a star there. Legible typeface and all.

the rio May 30, 2008 at 3:35 am

reminds me of my baptism, sort of. except that i’m aware of it and completely dry. i guess i’m also not crying. Thanks, wonkette!!

Merkin May 30, 2008 at 11:19 am

As a result of the Gawker Liberation of 2008, I am no longer greeted to the site by the greasy-maned “stars” of Gossip Girl. For that I am thankful, O Wonkette.

Uncle Al May 30, 2008 at 12:01 pm

You forgot who I was. And I forgot my password. Anyhoo I came back with a new identity. Instead of Ferd Berfel I’m Uncle Al. Hello Little Friends, Hello!

1ofUS May 31, 2008 at 3:31 pm

Uncle Al

May 30th, 2008 at 12:01 pm

You forgot who I was. And I forgot my password. Anyhoo I came back with a new identity. Instead of Ferd Berfel I’m Uncle Al. Hello Little Friends, Hello!

Ferd Berfel is befriending SCROTUS in another interverse.

InsidiousTuna June 3, 2008 at 10:07 pm

This explains it. Ok.

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