Liveblogging Obama's 'Milk Cows Come Home To Roost' Speech In Iowa

Barack Obama has gotten his tushy thoroughly handed to him in Kentucky, and there are no results from Oregon yet, so there's only one thing he can do: declare overall victory in Iowa! He has won a majority of pledged delegates, you see, although Hillary has declared a lead in the popular vote -- which she determined by not counting caucus votes and counting Florida and Michigan instead. But whatever! Men suck! Barry can't *really* declare total victory, because that would be Sexist! What kind of vague victory will he declare? Let's find out!

10: 11 -- He comes out to U2's "Beautiful Day" song, with his entire family. Matthews calls them a "very attractive family" because the man only thinks about sex.

10: 12 -- He's outside in Iowa, as we are now in the 2-month "warm season." This place is loaded now, because of the Farm Bill, which Obama supported so he could give this speech without feeling awkward.

10: 13 -- He says he has a really good-lookin' family and gives Michelle the bedroom eyes. This is the horniest speech ever.

10: 14 -- Oh look, he pays his respects to Ted Kennedy, who actually endorsed him. Unlike Hillary, Barack does not list the legislative work he has done with Kennedy, because that is rude . (Also because Barry has only been in the Senate for like -2 years.)

10: 16 -- Something about Iowa doing the "work to create the wealth," (i.e. planting corn that will eventually make up EVERY FOOD ITEM), and now we've got a nostalgia tour. Look at all this stuff I did in Iowa while campaigning. Here are some vague memories. You like change more than most people. I am going to divorce my wife and marry Iowa.

10: 19 -- This is nice, but kind of sad. This is like the only mostly white state that actually likes him, you see.

10: 21 -- He shouts that he has the necessary pledged delegates for the Democratic nomination, hurrah! Doesn't he know that the Clinton team has changed the clinching number from 2,025 to "I kill you"?

10: 22 -- Now he's saying how much he respects Hilz. She is a very formidable fighter and has done some good stuff before with her husband, the President. God, he must have had six or seven Nicorettes before this speech.

10: 23 -- Now he wants to talk about WALNUTS! and his magical lover, George W. Bush, the best fucking president in global history.

10: 24 -- McCain sucks on: Iraq (change), economy (change), taxes (change), health care (change), et cetera and so forth.

10: 25 -- HOPE is in the doghouse tonight! It's all CHANGE CHANGE CHANGE CHANGE CHANGE CHANGE CHANGE CHANGE CHANGE GOD TOO MUCH CHANGE HEAD EXPLODING FROM CHANGE.

10: 27 -- What other changey change is gonna change to a changed form of change change changey? WE'RE GONNA GET THEM PARENTS TO TURN OFF THE FUCKIN' VIDEO GAMES, CHANGE CHANGE CHANGE.

10: 29 -- Divisive politics will not work in this election, and you cracka-ass crackas in Iowa are gonna prove it!

10: 31 -- Why did poor people who couldn't pay their bills wastefully give me $10? Change! But we had no pennies or nickels so they didn't get any change.

10: 32 -- Oh, now he's getting into his groove. He's doing that shouty thing where he talks about the civil rights people in Selma and Montgomery. MSNBC locates a couple old black folks in the crowd, who were probably in Selma at the time or something.

10: 33 -- CHANGE is so much neater when you yell it and point.

10: 34 -- Over! So Obama declared what? That he has gotten all these pledged delegates and he is almost certainly within reach of clinching?

That's the single most Sexist statement a human has ever made.