Look, we speak Bitterese: Hilry done gone inna West Virginnie done won it ‘gainst the colored man. Colored man naw gon win no West Virginnie, haw haw, yeeeeesh siree. Done hear Hillary lost big ‘lection already, but we ain’t ne’er votin’ no Mooslim terror-starter inna our WHITE House. Don’t make none sense like, but I guess not much do these a’days.
7:33 — What the hell did I just write? Oh yes, that is how the Bitters talk in West Virginia, every single one of them. The point is, Hilz has won West Virginia with -4 votes counted. She is giving a speech sometime after 8 o’clock; Barry’s not giving a speech at all, so we’ll stick it out until she’s done and then leave forever.
7:35 — Watching MSNBC. Keith Olbermann is making sarcastic jokes left-and-right about his monstrous hatred of Hillary. Chris Matthews is talking to some lady with glasses, who thinks Hillary will be ahead in the popular vote in the end. You know how she’ll do that? By cheating.
7:37 — This lady just got mad at Chris Matthews unnecessarily harassing her, and Chris says “sorry, I’m just trying to be tough.” How professional! This is like your Wonkette editors saying “we’re trying to make jokes.”
7:38 — Ha ha, this old gal is so sensitive! She keeps saying to Chris that he must be happy that Clinton probably won’t win. OBVS! But Chris thanks her for her brother, uh, fixing people’s subprime mortgages. Her brother must be Ben Bernanke, who cannot stop saving the economy.
7:40 — Oh look, a Congressman from West Virginia who supports Barry. What does he have to say about this pathetic loss?
7:42 — He still supports Obama because West Virginia doesn’t fucking matter.
7:43 — OOOOH he says the Democrats will beat “John McBush” in the fall. Freudian slip/terrorism/etc.
7:44 — The Nora O’Donnell Watch: One more week pregnant, one more week just as smokin’.
7:48 — Ahh… Chuck Todd… It’s like we’ve died and gone to Heaven. This math guy should host every show on teevee. He should be Obama’s black vice president, even.
7:49 — Out of 189 remaining Pledgies, Hillary will have to win 172. Chuck Todd says it can’t happen! CHUCK!
7:51 — “As goes Guam, so goes Puerto Rico,” says Mexican Keith.
7:52 — OK Keith, when you insult Chuck Todd, you’re insulting Wonkette. He is the smartest man since President Franklin Pierce. AND WHEN YOU DISS HIS ABACUS, YOU DISS WONKETTE’S ABACUS.
7:54 — Sara K. Smith has an abacus, because she went to Harvard.
7:55 — The MSNBC panel is debating what Hillary wants by staying in this election. Vice presidency? Not as absurd as it once seemed, since she’s making her racist supporters brutally loyal to her. Policy concessions? That’s the funniest thing we’ve ever heard. As if Hillary is staying in this race to promote her policies!
7:59 — Pat Buchanan just had lesbian kiss-sex with Rachel Maddow.
8:00 — Two-to-one victory. Hey, didn’t Bill say they wanted 80%, so this is a loss-by-spin? Looks like the Earth didn’t move, and half of us will be scorched by Hillary’s Sun, the other half iced by Bill’s Moon. THANKS PREZBILL.
8:02 — Oh look it’s Bob Casey, the Pennsyvlania Senatorbot who did such a great job delivering his state for Barry. He says nothing interesting. Drink break!
8:10 — We’re on CNN now. And whoa nelly, I had seen some of you blabbing about Howard Wolfson in the comments, but didn’t realize he was IN-HOUSE.
8:12 — Michigan and Florida, Howard Wolfson says, should be counted. Learn something new everyday! What a creative nut this guy is.
8:17 — +1 to commenter Dernyul for this: “I want my life to change.”
8:20 — ENOUGH. Sara “Kindly” Smith will be liveblogging Hillary’s speech soon. Until then, we’re done, you Bitters! (GO HERE).