Wonkette
Finally, George and Laura have almost married off one of the First Twins! It only took eight years, but Jenna found a "taker" and she's getting hitched tomorrow at her parents' fake "ranch" in Crawford, which sounds only a little better than "Waco," and it's time to celebrate the occasion with a bunch of bullshit trivia, after the jump.
Jenna is really getting married to that one guy, Henry! They will live in Baltimore! But to really make "living in Baltimore" seem romantic, they will exchange vows next to the cattle pond on the property George W. Bush was forced to buy in 1999 when he was running for president so he could "be a cowboy" and all the gullible liberals could say, in disdain, "oh he is a cowboy" when there is nothing cowboy at all about the rich yankee Yale boy who was born in New Haven, Connecticut.
Anyway ...
The gown? Oscar de la Renta.
The bride's earrings? Austin jewelers Anthony Nak.
The bridesmaids' hot little aqua-blue-or-yellow-whatever cocktail dresses of varying styles? Dallas native Lela Rose.
The shocking father-bride dance? Nobody knows what to expect, according to Access Hollywood, but that George W. Bush sure loves to do ethnic dances!
[AP Photo]
Comments
Are those items in the photo sold somewhere? I'm really confused by that photo.
So he's getting married but she's only getting engaged, is that it? Otherwise I don't understand the significance of the rings on that Texas-surrounded-by-barbedwire (!?) thingy.
And I hadn't even thought about the father-daughter dance -- that sent a chill down my spine.
Hopefully W won't accidentally rip off her gown during the daddy daughter dance (like his last inauguration ball?)
To get married in Texas, do you have to prove your a virgin?
@ManchuCandidate: Accidentally?
Fake cowboy, fake president. All goes very well with the cartoonish society that describes most of Texas
...the 26-year-old first daughter is doing her wedding her way, with a lot of help from her mother, first lady Laura Bush - and all without a wedding planner.
White trash wedding planner: the police.
"...they will exchange vows next to cattle pond on the property" that is just too easy
@FloraWay: Yeah. I'm writing a separate post on all this tacky garbage being sold in Crawford this weekend.
So, do you think she'll be a 3 input girl on her wedding night? I mean, there really couldn't be all that much new under the sun in that department.
Something tells me Jenna's mom is gifting her Xanax prescription as a wedding present.
@AngryBlakGuy:
If they're exchanging vows next to the cattle pond, I wonder if someone will throw out a trot line right before the ceremony. Afterward, they could have a dozen or so catfish to fry for the reception.
@knife: Hell no cowboy; "ain't good 'nuff fer her family, ain't good 'nuff for mine."
Hey now, I got married in Waco. In a library. But it was a nice library with marble floors and shit. Cost $300 to rent out. Just looking at these pics makes me feel like I had a pretty swank affair in comparison to Jenna's "we're gettin' hitched in Texas!" theme. I sure as hell didn't have one goddamn Texas trinket in sight.
I still feel sorry for that dumb bastard winding up with Dubya as a father-in-law. Can you just imagine all those long dinners and Christmases and fireside convos? The 9th circle of Hell awaits that young boy.
...what are the odds in Vegas that "W" will get completely shit-faced hammered?!
@scrodd: I wish I had thunk o' that. Woulda saved money on all that cheese and fruit at my nuptial hootenanny!
@Ken Layne: please include info on how we can obtain these priceless heirlooms
@Truculent: HEEEEEEEY! I'm from Texas, sort of. We resemble that remark!
(Not my town though. Austin is awesome.)
How ome we never hear anything about Barbra Jr., the Jan Brady of the Bush Clan?
@Cape Clod: Jenna, Jenna, Jenna!!!11!
So where in Bawlmer are they going to live??
Roland Park?
Druid Heights?
They ought to give up on the city and just move to Glen Burnie or Dundalk with the rest of the white-trash.
@Serolf Divad: Nooo, that photo is more indicative of a shotgun wedding in Alabama or Arkansas. I found a camo wedding attire pic that's fittin' for Louisiana.
For Texas, a shotgun wedding involves a Big McLargehuge Blonde Hairdo for the bride. The bigger the better. Held together with baling wire and a full can of AquaNet.
@capitol-hillbilly: I swear I've seen some of that stuff at the Golden Skillet off I-95. If it's not in the claw game, it's at the souvenir counter next to the horoscope key rings.
God, look at those photos. Their kids are going to be mouth-breathers.
Ken, someone really needs to liveblog this wedding.
I found a picture of the cake!
Are those souvenir MUGS in the background? Like you can make on Cafepress? OMG, why didn't I think of that for my wedding? Jenna is so clever!!!
Has anyone else ever watched "My Big Fat Redneck Wedding" on CMT? Don't. But if you have, I think you can picture their wedding.
@san antone rose: Wow... that is exactly what I was picturing...
Upon further reflection, I do believe those leather Texas-shaped mementos are DRINK COASTERS.
Transcript of Daddy's Toast to the Bride:
I'd like to give a toadst to dabrider and goon on this day of nuptular briss, whatever you want to call it. I'm proud of my daughter... I reckonphiled my love for my daughter a long time ago. Never misunderestimate a father's love for his daughter. Jenna was given a clear option: Are you with us or are you not with us? And she made a clear decision to be not with us, and she redacted on that advice. The marriage system in America is one of the most important foundations of our silly-livation. After all, it is where able men and women from all over America learn to be repornsible stuporters of our fantastic opportunistic society. Jenna and Henry made a swollen commitment to work hard to embetter themselves. Marriage accomplished.
@AfghanVet: Whatever. That dude is gay.
@Darehead: Bravo.
@san antone rose: Damn. That's some fine weddin' cake!
I'm sure that Jenna's been starving herself before her big day so those twinkies and ding dongs are not long for this world.
@san antone rose: Now now. Camo wedding attire is only suitable for Northern Louisiana. Cajuns don't go in for that kinda fancy redneck shit.
Oh, and it's more than a can of AquaNet. More like a case. Remember, "the higher the hair, the closer to G*d."
.
I've had Jenna. (BFD. Everybody in Kennebunkport has.) One word: p*ssy f*rts.
I remember when we used to hang her Dad naked, upside-down off the end of the dock by the Captain's Landing, on the Kennebunk River. That was before the Secret Service detail. Totally blacked out, didn't know it the next day. Awesome. We charged him like, six mill for the pictures.
I think Schuyler f*cked him once when when he was, like, passed out. Schuyler's a f*g, no matter what he says now. But we forgot to take pictures. Six mill at least, down the old drainio. Probly another six mill from Schuy now that he's at the World Bank. Shit.
That was before Bushie was called "W." We used to call him "G" as in George, or "Government," cuz his Dad was like, a VP or some sh*t, and "G" always wore government-type pants. Government-issue, I think. You know, those, like, trousers, with the, like, government thing in the back? And also too, cuz "G" he was a dick. "G" he couldn't hold his liquor. "G" he never f*ckin' bought a round cuz "G" he was a cheap little f*ckin' weasle. "G" I can't believe he's, like, a governor, or some sh*t. Whoah!
Anyway, Jenna wasn't bad, except for those p*ssy f*rts. Seriously. Not bad at all.
.
"Cattle pond" makes me think of big, fat, West Nile carryin' mosquitoes.
(Let's hope the Secret Service has missed a few.)
I think the photo is of their wedding registry. Just 5 photo-mugs shy of a full dinner service!
Looks like some pictures have leaked from the Bachelorette party:
[www.sflistteamhouse.com]
@queeraselvis: That was my problem. Not enough AquaNet to keep me from the hounds of hell!
I'm fixin' to attend another (God help me!) OUTDOOR Summer weddin' in middle Louisiana. I'm sure there will be camo involved in some way shape or form. And crawfish. Lots and lots of suckin' da heads an pinchin' da tails. Ugh.
When Henry was making reservations for their honeymoon, the desk clerk asked if they'd like the bridal.
"No thanks," he answered, "I'll just hold her by the ears until she gets the hang of it."
@Gopherit: Hey, that there is some good practice for the wedding night.
@SayItWithWookies: I disbelieve. Jenna looks like a pegger. Henry's the one who's gonna need the bridle.
Georgie and Jenna's first dance? Why a bit of boot scootin' of course. You can't have a faux Texas Prairie Chapel Ranch Wedding without sliding around the dance floor not moving anything from your hips upward.
That was one of the wee surprises in store for me when I moved to Texas. I grew up with about half my family enthusiastic polka dancing Slavs. When Texans polka dance, there's no bouncing, no swirling, just sliding your feet along and working hard to make sure the level of your shoulders never changes. Damn, takes all the joy out of the dance.
@SayItWithWookies: say no more, i'm on my way ... this stuff will go great with my princess Di dishes
@Gopherit:
I thought that was the bride's toast.
@ManchuCandidate: Like san antone rose said, she was practicing!
@scrodd: Hell, no! That "fly fishin'" stuff is fur them sissy rich yankee folks who move to MT, CO an' such! A true Texan takes out his bass boat (with a charged up motor, natch) and makes enough noise to skeer them fish dead!
@terrymct: Apparently you've never been to West, Texas for the Czech Fest! Just north of Waco. I saw Myron Floren there one year. Drunk as two skunks. Those must've been beer bubbles on the Lawrence Welk show. Yep, nothing quite like doing the polka in flip flops.
@terrymct: Did you move there by CHOICE?
Excuse me, terrymct. It's called the Westfest. Mmmmm. Sausages and kolaches.
@san antone rose: Ah, West. Good food. That's pretty much it.
Couldn't she get a cooler designer than Oscar? He's as old as WALNUTS! and not hip at all.
What about a Juicy Couture Ivory velour tracksuit? White, of course, would be verboten since she's a whore.
@AxmxZ: Austin's kind of not really Texas.
You're more like a moon colony.
How pissed is Jenna that she's getting married on daddy's fake ranch, and not at Grandpappy's spread in Kennebunkport?
If they breed, the horseman will surely follow.
Will Liz Glover be attending?
@shortsshortsshorts: ah...yes...the three horsemen of the apocalypse reminds me i need to rent what is without question the second best cinematic masterpiece ever created (after Ken's favorite Starship Troopers): The Rapture starring Mimi Rogers. I loved the scene where everyone is watching Friday Night Football and it fades tos how the three horsemen and everyone goes up to heaven except Mimi and her little girl. And then Mimi strangles her little girl. Believe me people it is great cinema.
Despite the money and the ties to the East Coast, I can't believe how gauche and country some of the Bushes have made themselves. Was it a brainwashing process? It's truly revolting.
@san antone rose:
Yep, I have. I've eaten kolaches, too. Been down the Schlitterbahn at midnight in a wetsuit after having climbed the gate. I've eaten a klobassy wrapped in a tortilla for lunch.
They still polka funny in Texas, sorry. You don't redeem yourself polka-wise once a year at a festival. You LIVE polka year round.
Agence France Press (AFP) is covering the souvenirs on the wires. Trinkets galore:
Austiners remind me of cat people that always tell you how THEIR cat is different.
THEIR cat is friendly and affectionate, not distant and selfish.
My biggest fear is that they might breed more little Bushes. Whats his name is going to take her last name, isn't he?
Baltimore.
Where the sons and daughters of K street whores live. If they can't aford Alexandria.
Why did Hurricane Katrina have to hit lovely old New Orleans, when there is so much more evil halfway up the east coast? After all, thats why god makes these terrible storms, to punish the evildoers, right?
If that had happened, the 'Reverend' Hagee would have looked a bit more credible.
@TEAM HEIDI: STRANGLES her? Jeebus.
is there ANY WAY for wonkette to get inside of this thing? this is bigger than the election you realize!
It'd be funny if nobody shows up.
@terrymct: Polka spirit! 4EVAH!
@nicolsonde: When I'm in Waco, which is not nearly often enough *eyeroll*, I always stay at the same B&B that the foreign press stays at. I wonder which one of them is in the silver and red honeymoon room? They leave hilarious comments in the little guestbook beside the bed. You know, where so many Waco brides have lost their virginity.
From CNN: As is customary in Texas, Jenna Bush will have a "house party" of 14 women instead of bridesmaids. The first lady's office described them as guests of honor, with no role in the ceremony.
As is customary in Texas? First I've heard of it. I think it's just a clever scheme for getting out of buying all those bridesmaids gifts.
The shocking father-bride dance?
$100 says it's the chicken dance
@san antone rose: They're going to be really disappointed when Jeff Gannon turns out ot be the stripper at the ....errmmm...."house party."
Married in Crawford, TX?
WTF? Is the White House too good for em'?
Jenna Bush Wedding Video! Really worth seeing!
[yetmorefun.net]
@guerilla-nation: Clap clap clap clap!
@san antone rose: Some of those Twinkies had better be deep-fried...
@tunamelt: We're like a transplated slie of Californee. -)
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