Wonkette
So Hillary Clinton has announced that she will stay in the presidential race until there is a nominee. By most measures, there already is one, so she is stupid. But Elite Math still says that she has a chance of winning this thing, as the above scenario from CNN's thrill-a-minute delegate counter shows. In this one, she will clinch the nomination (with one extra delegate!) by winning 45% of undecided superdelegates and 100% of remaining pledged delegates. Yes She Can! What other possibilities are there for Hillary to become president, according to this fun CNN game?
- If Hillary only wins 70% of the remaining pledged delegates, that means she only needs the magic number, 69%, of undecided superdelegates. Get it, it's like sex, haw haw haw!
- If she and Obama split the remaining pledged delegates 50-50, she needs 84% of the undecided superdelegates to endorse her loser campaign. As the Clinton camp is surely aware, some guy wrote a book called 1984 once that depicted a dystopian future. "84" is an omen, and Hillary's the only candidate who can bring us that dystopian future!
- Say Obama went crazy and won 60% of the remaining pledged delegates. Well he'd only be screwing himself, as it happens! Hillary would then need 92% of the undecided superdelegates, and what happened in 1992, OH LET ME THINK, maybe that's when her husband beat some old Republican and took over the White House?! Let's do it again!
- The most likely scenario for Hillary to become president, however: Barack Obama wins 54% of the remaining pledged delegates and 60% of undecided superdelegates, and Hillary shoots him in the face with her fake Hitler Gun, and then Al Gore becomes president again at the convention and she shoots him too, the end.
Delegate counter [CNN.com]
Hillary Clinton says she'll stay in the presidential race [AP/Google]
Comments
There's the last, most dangerous option.
Hils declares that the United States only consists of states she won. The other states are declared part of the Axis of Evil and destroyed.
Math is hard.
Maybe we can convince Hillary and Ron Paul to run against each other in a sort of "fantasy league" presidential race... and the winner gets to be President of Second Life.
Breaking news: CNN, CBS, Zogby, Zagat, Gallop, NBC, ABC, CSPAN, NPR, the FBI and Jehovah's Witnesses all predict that Hillary Clinton will win the Democratic nomination, and she will cruise on to win the presidency in November, defeating McCain in a landslide.
@ManchuCandidate: I'm almost disappointed that my state survives in that scenario.
when she eventually admits reality, am I going to have to fear for my life if I wear an Obama t-shirt? Will wild, weeping Hillbots start rampaging in the streets, looking for scalps?
Somebody remind me why we have 'superdelegates'? People not responsible to anybody and so forth. It seems, you know, a bit 'Soviet'.
"She is the Japanese soldier in the Pacific island that hasn't been told the war is over," said Democratic pollster John Anzalone. "Occasionally she picks off a few islanders and considers it a victory. Well, yesterday she found out the war was over."
[blog.washingtonpost.com]
Guy Anzalone could be a Wonkette, no?
You don't mention the secret nuclear takies backsies option where she threatens to obliterate all states where someone voted for Obama. There's also obliterating Obama as a back up plan.
@ManchuCandidate: Don't you mean "obliterated"?
Actually, I have already imagined her last, nuclear option towards Presidency. And it does include BO's assassination.
Seeing how he's going to have to traverse WV and KY for the next couple of weeks, I don't think that is outside possibility right now.
I'm actually serious. I really wouldn't put it past what's been escalating up to this point.
Because, frankly, exposing oneself to WV and KY is numerically pointless unless she wants to make him vulnerable to physical attack.
From the various videos we've seen (ie: the eBay guy) Obama routinely courts voters so aggressively that he allows people to get disturbingly close to him with the Secret Service nearby but not close enough for my taste.
I'm actually afraid for him. She's been race-baiting so much that anything can happen at this point.
@TGY: Sounds like some unpatriotic sexist loser doesn't want Hillary Clinton to be the next president. Why, sir, do you hate white people, and women, and America?
...you left out one scenario however:
Hillary annexes Canada into the United States, allocating each of its provinces with 100 pledged delgates. She then passes a law making it illegal for Barack Obama to be on the ballot, thereby allowing her to win each and every race in a landslide! GAME SET AND MATCH!!!
@TGY: Superdelegates are handy in case there is a close-call in an election. It is the greatest expression of our electorate overlords, but in cases such as this nomination process, they should be dragged out to the back and shot because of the waste of food and other resources they are. USELESS superdelegates.
I think it's high time Michelle Obama takes matters into her own hands.
Also: I'm convinced that those angry, irrational, spamming Hillbots are the same angry, irrational women who go batshit over anything related to Brangelina and Jennifer Aniston, with them being the rabid Team Aniston folk, of course.
@AngryBlakGuy: You need to factor in how many people take the time to vote "undecided" in that scenario, like Michigan.
this thing isn't over until the last white person has voted!
@The Real JR: ...if this is true then the easiest way to get them to vote for Barry is by running a story in one of the tabloids that John McCain is the "Fish Boy" or was abducted by aliens and thoroughly anal probed!
@The Real JR: Bingo. All are real big as woman-as-victim mantra.
ok, try that again: real big on the woman-as-victim mantra.
If all her loyal blue collar white men, united by their common affinity for religion and schlitz, would just pick up their guns and rally at Howard dean's bowling alley all drunk and shit they could probably solve this whole delegate business quickly. No one would have to get hurt.
@The Real JR: Yes, clearly Hill's campaign has been passing out the rope, sheets, and barbecue postcards.
Totally encouraging the crazies to martyr our Saviour.
@AngryBlakGuy:
She'd be better off annexing Mexico cause she'd get a lot of Latino votes. Canada City's pro 'Bama. If we could vote, it would 80% Bama / 20% anyone else.
@tunamelt: ...in this scenario anyone who votes undecided is assumed to mean: "undecided on whether Barack Obama should be beaten and then shot OR shot and then beaten"
This works out if her math counts Black votes as three-fifths.
@tunamelt: Not to mention all those Repubs who voted for someone other than Johnny Mac - for the presumptive nominee to be getting less than 85% of the wingnut vote seems to put him in lame Hillary territory.
@The Real JR: I'm scared for his safety as well. There are enough genuine retards in West Virginia and Kentucky who might believe they were actually doing something patriotic by taking out the Manchurian Terrorist Candidate.
Hillary understand what this contest is really about.
This is a terrifying chart, CNN, because the only possible way that this could come to fruition is if Barack Obama were dead. What are you planning? Is morbidly obese Candy Crowley going to swallow him whole, like the Whale swallowing Jonah? And if so, will you have exclusive I-Report video of it?
Hillary knows what this contest is really about. She's going to stay in until the climactic end.
[img522.imageshack.us]
@The Real JR: It's incredibly frightening how plausible that scenario is.
@jagorev: Yup. Especially since he's Muslim and Ob/Osama HUMMM Brothers...
I mean, chicken? Squirrel? Hell, it's all just meat anyways, right?
If anything happens to our Barack, I'm holding Michelle Malkin responsible for inciting it.
@The Real JR: I'm confused. Did Angelina Jolie adopt Barack Obama when he lived in an Indonesian madrassa? If so, that would explain the elitism, because TV stars just aren't as good as movie stars.
Best 2 out of 3 bowling contest. Bring it Manchurio!
Another potential danger: if Barack is standing anywhere near Hillary when the reality that she has lost sinks in and her head explodes. The resulting shrapnel could kill.
I really hope I'm missing the snark, cause if I'm not, you guys don't know any rednecks.
If a good ole boy wanted Obama dead, they wouldn't need to get ebay guy close. At all.
Any number of these guys are as good as the Secret Service counter snipers.
There are plenty of other ways for Hillary to win! If a tsunami wiped out the Eastern Seaboard and oblitherated the 13 original states, it would not be a stretch at all for Hils to claim that it's "ridiculous" for 50 states to select the president when there are only 37 states.
@TGY: See the Democratic party post election sobfest, circa 1968, 1972, 1988. That would explain it.
@bambu: Now THAT would rock.
Hillary understands what this race is about: testosterone.
[img522.imageshack.us]
If option two happens, do we all get to take a soma holiday? I, for one, could use one after this protracted primary season.
@Serolf Divad: They can share power. Ron Paul can be president of the Alliance, and Hillary can be president of the Horde.
(It's a Warcraft joke, y'all.)
Well, Hillary could start of a band of freedom fighters, dressed in pantsuits and they could pluck off the undesirables with nothing but blow darts and hand grenades.
I can see her winning 55% of the remaining pledged delegates, due to her bizarre coalition of rednecks and Puerto Ricans, but then she'll need 80% of the superdelegates. And we all know what that means (she'll be held hostage by Iran, naturally).
Of course, the Clinton-controlled Rules Committee is scheduled to meet soon, and then we'll find out that this whole primary season was just a dream that Hillary had while Bill was in the shower (with Michelle Obama, naturally).
@redheadedstepchild: Are you trying to be reassuring? I grew up in redneck land; it's entirely plausible.
@bambu: I think Michelle could kick Hillary's ass, and Chelsea's too. Just give her a reason!
@jasonelias: We'll all be wearing pantsuits when this is over.
@NorthsideSwede: You salute the pantsuit, not the person in it.
If Obama got shot tomorrow, I still don't think Hillary would be able to beat him.
@C-5: No, I'm trying to point out how stupid the "hill's is tryin to get crackers to kill Obama" talk is. If somebody wanted him dead before the nomination, being physically close in KY or WV wouldn't be the thing they were waiting for.
And I'm from redneck land as well.
I think if somebody was going to shoot him, they'd wait till October. Get worried then folks.
@ronaldpagan: If Hillz got shot tomorrow, I still don't think she'd quit.
This is why everyone hates Texas. Because it is white.
@Tawmn: It's just a flesh wound!
You can't get rid of Cankles naturally.
B. Hussein's gonna need some sorta liposuction device that'll suck her out of the body politic if he really wants her gone.
And no, garlic holy water and/or stakes will not cut it.
This game is easy, just slide all the sliders to 100% for Hillary and she wins !
D'uh
I guess we really should be enjoying this whole drama. Because the DNC is going to revamp the process in four years to be completely DRAMA-FREE. It will look a lot like what the Republicans are doing now, much in the same way Clinton's campaign does.
@Scott-san: The Republicans are winner-take-all. There is no way that Barack will let them go to winner-take-all.
Willary secretly took the Jeremiah Wright online course Of "Readin', Ritin', and Ritalin." She didn't take Rithmetic ya'll. And that Ritalin explains her methed-up, will-pander-for-crack, nonstop demonic, delusional "in it to win it" claim to pulling the U-Haul truck back up to the Rose Garden to return those trinkets she prays over.
@The Real JR:
And, that Arkansas Mafia is just waitin' for the word from Bubba. I'm more afraid for Barry's safety than ever now.
How 'bout we just shoot her instead?
54% can't do the math, 48% won't do the math
Hey - I thought we all promised after the Gawker sale that we would not do any more Obama assassination plots.
However, I do think we have to let through the Barry-killed-by-Hill's-head-'sploded-shrapnel scenario as it is just too plausible.
@graceless: you'll need a silver bullet.
If Hillary gets 75% of the pledged delegates and 50% of the superdelegates, she...loses to Obama.
Let's say the superdelegates keep staying silent. If Hillary gets 85% of the remaining pledged delegates, she is still behind Obama!
But then, the elitist math wizards at CNN are forgetting about the all-American Florida and Michigan elections.
You know, in all this talk about the KKKrowd or various Appalachian morans taking out Obama, one group that hasn't been getting any attention is the "Crazed Cracker Chick" demographic.
Play this out: At a Clinton rally...
HRC: "You know, my opponent is very good with speeches. Alot of ladies out there loved him, what with his smooth voice and him telling you were the only girl for him, how he'd be all yours if only you gave him your vote. He made you come to his rallies, and come you did... [pauses]... But honey, I got news for you, "HE'S MARRIED!" [Holds up large photo of Barry and Michelle]
Meanwhile, in some midwestern town, a woman watching it on TV drops her bucket of Rocky Road ice cream, shocked, dazed. She exclaims, "WHAT?!?! He's married? But he said I was the only girl for him. He said he'd marry me! He said we'd be happy together!" The woman heads to her closet, finding a rifle. Muttering under her breath, "if I can't have him, no one ever will!"
Cankles and her thuggish husband will never be removed from the body politic, you can be certain of that. they will spend the rest of their self-absorbed lives trying to erase this public humiliation.
the worst is yet to come
@redheadedstepchild: "Any number of these guys are as good as the Secret Service counter snipers."
Maybe when they're sober.
@RogueDC: That woman is me.
@RogueDC: Which leads me back to the whole Team Aniston Theory.
Quick. Somebody needs to check on Paul Begala. He may be in mortal danger.
"Hillary's gonna quit when monkeys fly out of my butt." Paul Begala
@Dramatist:
Your scenario is even more believable than my dull theories. If no one's noticed, there's a food shortage going on!
@The Real JR:
Yeah, I always knew Jennifer Aniston was a good candidate for the Antichrist, with her Cheney-esque appetite for infant meat.
Hillary is not encouraging anybody to kill Obama, but if someone did she SURELY wouldn't mind.
@RogueDC: They go down so smoothly with Smart Water.
The most HILARIOUS part of all of this "superdelegate" talk and "path to the nomination" racists bullshit, is the name given to people like John Edwards and Al Gore -- now so-called "Senior Statesmen" while ignored are any other Democratic political operative (the Kennedys, Leahy, Feingold, Dodd, Richardson, Kerry, etc.) who supports Obama.
These incompetent wussies, and pandering asshats who handed the election to GWB, authorized his war and have been sitting on their hands for the past seven years are considered STATESMEN for doing the exact same thing throughout this man's historical, inspiring and exquisitely-run campaign. Liberals disgust me sometime.
@RogueDC: Are you saying the food shortage is entirely the fault of Candy Crowley? If you are, then I would agree with you.