Wonkette
Everybody wants to know if John McCain is equipped to serve out a full term in office before expiring of the Old Age Vapours, so his team is assembling a squadron of doctors to vouch for his excellent physical health. This is a man who broke every bone in his body, including the little dealies in his inner ear, before having them each systematically removed and then re-inserted at a 45 degree angle in a sterile Vietnamese Torture Prison. He also had half his face cut off because of Face Cancer.
Despite these hardships, and the fact that he is old enough to be a Chinese dictator, John McCain likes to go rimming on the Grand Canyon. He also enjoys riding on his campaign bus and seducing reporters by daring them to touch his scalp. This is why he will be elected president and 46-year-old Barack Obama will have to ride his tricycle to work in the Senate.
McCain's docs to say he's fit to lead U.S. [New York Daily News]
Comments
He still makes me think of
">The Six Million Rupee Man.Argh! Bad code! No beer!
+ Watch video
McCain was medically vetted by The Smoking Doctor from All That Jazz.
Sara K, your snark seems more tanned and rested since you got back from vacation. I hope you had a great time.
Hee hee hee. "Old jalopy." Oh, Sara, you forget that Walnuts predates the Model T by a couple of centuries, at least.
Yea, they TOLD him it was for "face cancer", but it also could be where they installed the mind control device. I mean, he DID sort of, suddenly, become Bush's best new buddy.
John McCain likes to go rimming on the Grand Canyon
Kinky old bastard, isn't he?
McCain in the doctor's office: "I'm itchy! I've got ants in my pants! I'm discombobulated! Give me a calmative!"
Terry Schiavo's mom's doc cleared him ... McCain even went to Bill Frist for a second opinion.
Yep, you're alive all right.
[hoover.archives.gov]
Call in the team of, ahem, doctors.
...well we could always take a cue from "Futurama" and preserve his head in a jar and put it on a robot body!
It's not his physical health I'm worried about. Hell, the recently deceased Albert Hofmann (reverent sigh) lived to be 102 -- so McCrone could be President of Iraq for a good percentage of the time he's determined to stay there.
What bothers me is the fact that this alleged foreign-policy expert can't tell the difference between al-Qaida and a hippie drum circle, along with a bad case of Adult-onset Sellout Syndrome (acronym readily available).
His new plan is to set up Star Wars missile defense in Siam. He thinks Persia might be an excellent buffer against Iran. He is correct that the Ottoman Empire has contributed absolutely nothing to the defense of the Middle East, and he brings to the table a personal relationship with Otto himself. He is the Foreign Policy Guru by dint of his stint in captivity. That's how that works.
@NBAWRITER1: ...nah, he just went to one of the "doctors" that are clearing our troops for multiple tours in Iraq and Afghanistan.
"...a gunshot wound you say? Just walk it off son, walk it off!"
McCain: I feel great, but I look awful. And there's this smell...
Doctor: Senator, I believe you are a cunt.
Who is his doctor? Theodoric of York?
Will an insurance company issue a $1,000,000 life insurance policy for 4 years? Call me when his campaign gets that answer.
@Serolf Divad: GAWD, you rule.
Has anyone ever thought it was strange that he has GIANT FUCKING WALNUTS IN HIS CHEEKS? I mean...that don't seem right.
His VP choice should provide plenty of hilarity.
Brownback? Santorum?
Which nutjob will it be?
~
@SayItWithWookies:
Brilliant! Just make Grandpa president of Iraq!
Obama bin Laden will be in charge of US America and Eight Belles Hillary, well, she made a valiant effort. We'll miss her...
You can see McCain's medical records here.
If they want to prove John McCain is really physically sound they should schedule a date with one of those three zirconium whores from the Emperor's Club VIP. I recommend Georgina.
@Botswana Meat Commission FC: Seems like most of these are only curable by faith healin' or cod liver oil at the least.
@TEAM HEIDI: why stop at three? I think a 5-diamond whore should work him out, see what he's made of.
He's actually building an argument to the insurance companies as to why he should get health insurance under his reform plan.
@baxterthepug: I heard it was Galen.
@norbizness: Slow down, norbizness! You'll give yourself skin failure!
I think Anne Nicole Smith would be making a play for him if she was still alive.
@baxterthepug:
Dr. Oog from Cave 2304
@Cape Clod: I think you're wrong. It's his wife that has the money.
That whole rimming thing is making me a little queasy.
@Botswana Meat Commission FC: Just before I clicked the link, I was thinking to myself, "what are you doing? You don't read hieroglyphics"!
Checkups from Dr. Nick Riviera don't count.
@WadISay: He's a "rather disgusting-looking tart that should've been disposed of ages ago."
Are they doing a mental evaluation? If I was a P.O.W. for a number of years, there is no fucking way I would be suited to run this trash-heap.
I have read his medical records, and can attest that he is in robust physical health for a 129 year-old man. He likes regular doses of salts, mustard plasters and coffee purges to remain fit. An occasional cupping wards off the augh.
His latest physical:
"23. Head much better. Pain in the head much better and heaviness diminished. Slept pretty well and is not so giddy, and has not any sparks before the eyes; bowels open freely; ...can lie upon either side; foul taste in the mouth..."
Prescribed zinc and camphor.
"25. ...Has pain in the right side immediately below the nipple lasting half an hour... Has pain also across the loin dull & heavy, not increased by pressure, but most when walking about..."
"27. Has still foul taste in the morning and is now deaf in right ear, as if some one had fired a pistol close to the head..."
"30. Pupil of right eye contracted, but is obedient to light..."
I'd say he is ready to lead the Free World!
I guess he's in good enough health for a cyberkinetic organism, living tissue over a reinforced titanium steel frame from the year sometimeinthefuture.
So, they have found a cure for being old as shit?
Ok, his body may be sound (?)(maybe) but he ain't right in the head.
He is fully sound and furiousk, signifying nothing.
k?
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