Liveblogging The Still No Word On Indiana Night Of Torture!

 

This is Hillary Clinton, if she were a pug.Indiana is too close to call, and will be too close to call forever, so hoist another drink and let’s figure out what Hillary Clinton will talk about in her loser/possible winner speech, whenever she gets around to giving it.

9:52 PM — Major Garrett: “The atmosphere in here can only be described as excruciating.” Yes, we are watching FOX. But now it’s a commercial, so over to CNN and Bobblehead Bill Schneider and Soledad O’Brien, who has very good skin.
9:56 PM — Independents went (so far) to Obama by 53% to 47%. We missed the theorizing at Rush Limbaugh’s retarded “Operation Chaos” because we were too busy typing about Soledad’s complexion.
9:57 PM — Lanny Davis: Greetings America, I am dressed like a mob lawyer! And now I am talking like one. Blah blah blah, she is carrying the Democratic Party’s base…Yes, but has she brought peace to the Niger Delta in her off hours? HMMMMM????? Now back to “dele-GATES”, and words words about how if you compare her poll numbers to McCain’s in certain areas, and divide the answer by the number of thumbs you have up your ass, you can project the alignment of the stars over Michigan and Florida that will friolate Democracy into a crisp.
10:02 PM — Gergen: Sorry, Davis, but your girl blew it. Why is Donna Brazile not saying anything?
10:03 PM — John King: Yeah sorry Davis, have you heard of this thing called Math? It is Daunting, for your girl. John King is doing crazy things with the touch screen.
10:06 PM — Davis reiterates that he is friends, respectful friends with everybody at CNN, but they all know where they can put their Math. Oh, poor mob lawyer Lanny Davis. Obama prevented the re-vote in Florida and Michigan, which means with all due respect there is a respectful disagreement about whether or not Obama is a traitor. Also Math can go fuck itself.
10:09 PM — That guy next to Gergen just said, “If my aunt had a male appendage, she’d be my uncle.” He has clearly been talking with Carville.
10:10 PM — Donna Brazile has the most wonderful metallic-colored hair, which is apparently a wig. She is on the Rules Committee, did you know that? That means she has more power than you can imagine, but no opinion on anything.
10:12 PM — LIQUOR BREAK BRB, DRUNK.
10:15 PM — Layne asks, “do you think pelosi fucks gingrich? ‘speaker of the house benefits’ or something? did anyone else see that commercial?” Help him out, dudes!
10:16 PM — Also there are places called Marion and Gary and Lake in Indiana, and they all need to be counted, which will annoy the rest of America who will have to stay up late if they are terrible political dorks like SOME OF US. Do you know who’s from Gary? All of the Jacksons, including Michael. Poor Hillary Clinton is on tenterhooks. Will she talk before they release the absentee ballots, or will she make her bitter old supporters stay up till midnight?
10:19 PM — Eff this, we are going to FOX. Some mildly corpulent man is talking about Lake County, and how they keep all the black Indianans there. There and Gary. What is wrong with Brit Hume’s hair? Which rodent does it most closely resemble? The FOX dude is like “Indiana goes to Hillary, don’t worry.”
10:22 PM — Live camera on sad Hillary voters shuffling around some tragic Indiana gathering-place. Hume looks defeated and very tired. He’s like “So, uh, anybody got any questions?” The atmosphere may best be described as “funereal.” Or, “excruciating,” if you are Major Garrett. Good God, did somebody slip Hume a quaalude or something?
10:26 PM — Nina Easton is getting eaten by her wig while she tries to talk about McCain being tethered to George Bush. So let’s talk about Reverend Wright, and how even if John McCain takes the high road, his surrogates can take the very, very low one! Plus we can hope the Reverend will freak out and start exposing himself on national television. Fred Barnes is like, “Yeah, sadly, I doubt that will happen,” and they all sigh and go back to their shuffleboard and Mr. Pibbs.
10: 28 PM — We hear that “Lanny Davis has death in his face right now,” so we should probably flip back to CNN. Donna Brazile just challenged Lanny Davis to a fight in the green room. Eyes, nose, throat, groin!
10:31 PM — Who is this captivating gentleman with the truckloads of makeup and the mustache of a card sharp? He has just made a very sober observation, which is that looking at general election matchups right now is nonsense. Lanny Davis is like BUT STILL, THE BLUE COLLARS LIKE HILLARY and Jamal Simmons says, “Forget about the white males, dude, we lost them a generation ago.”
10:34 PM — Evan Bayh speaking now, he is boring, so CNN doesn’t care. This is why Bayh ran for like two weeks before dropping out. Didn’t he? FACT CHECK PLS.
10:35 PM — Jeffrey Toobin just admitted he has no new ideas for Hillary.
10:38 PM — Hillary Clinton greets a feverish crowd, and Ken Layne is covering it LIVE, right here, on the next liveblog.

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About the author

Sara K. Smith was Wonkette's morning editor from 2008 to 2010, and now contributes a weekly (?!) column to Wonkette, to prove she still loves you all!

View all articles by Sara K. Smith

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