DEMOCRATS  8:25 pm May 6, 2008

TARHEEL TUMBLE: Liveblogging Obama’s North Carolina Night

by Ken Layne

“Decisive victory,” says sleepy-face Tim Russert. Decisive enough? Or, as sleepy-face Tim Russert says two minutes later, “status quo”? How big did Barry win North Carolina? Nobody will say, just yet, but they will, so … Begun, this live blog has. (Part Two is here, Part One is here, the Pre-Game Commentary is here.)

7:35 PM — Barack won that state we all knew he would win!
7:36 PM — But by how much? Enough to rob Hillary of her evil scheme to steal the nomination like some comical top-hatted villain?
7:40 PM — There is a black politician from South Carolina on MSNBC, talking about the “black church.” Why, we’ve heard something about that, somewhere, once, for the past month or four, so let’s switch to CNN.
7:42 PM — And CNN’s under-the-commercial ticker just said Obama 40%-Clinton 60%, in North Carolina, so of course he is the winner.
7:43 PM — Oh ha ha, that is because two votes were counted at that point.
7:46 PM — And only a “narrow victory” for Hillary in Indiana, if things keep going this way. Why do only half of the Real Americans love Hilz?
7:48 PM — Exit polls also show Indiana’s open-Dem primary had a 10% Republican turnout (Go Rush!) and a 20% Independent turnout, so only seven in ten Indiana primary voters are even registered Democrats.
7:51 PM — John King: “Even if she wins the next five contests, Barack Obama is still ahead.”
7:52 PM — Joke being, she might win two of those.
7:54 PM — But no matter what happens, AOL comments on my Political Machine column will continue arriving, individually, via e-mail, for the next 30 or 40 hours.
7:55 PM — Oh, you would like to read one? Here: “The question is: WHO IS BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA?
The answer is: NOBODY KNOWS!
WE HAVE 50 STATES — COUNT THEIR VOTES!
WAKE UP AMERICANS — HILLARY IS THE BEST CANDIDATE.”
7:56 PM — 33% of the precincts are reporting in Indiana, and STILL TOO CLOSE GO HILZ.
7:56 PM — Jesus christ, are we going to continue to act surprised that uneducated blue-collar rural people aren’t rushing to vote for a black terrorist from Hawaii?
7:57 PM — Lou Dobbs’ orange wig is actually melting into his orange skull, and then sliding out through his jowls/gills.
8:01 PM — Paul Begala just said some weird fucking thing that made us cringe.
8:02 PM — “NPR tote bag totin’ liberals,” says Paul Begala, who lives in an actual tower made of ivory on the campus of both Yale and Harvard.
8:03 PM — Dippity-shit Donna Brazile says Barack Obama should drink more beer and chew tobacco — she ignores Lou when he says Obama handily won N.C. and is doing pretty well in Indiana. What else should Barack do, Donna? She suggests he should also make moonshine in the shed, let all his teeth fall out, be a-scared of ghosts, keep a sofa on the porch, put up a sign in the yard demanding the Army kick the Jews & UN out of America, and get his own daughters pregnant.
8:06 PM — The guy on the CNN panel who looks like Kevin Spacey’s character from “Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil” just said Hillary is a dog which must be taken to the vet and euthanized.
8:08 PM — Obama is currently ahead 65%-33% in North Carolina.
8:08 PM — And why the suspense in Indiana, where Hillary’s at 56% and Obama’s at 44%? Wolf Blitzer will tell us, after this commercial for medicine to make you not so sad.
8:15 PM — Wow, did Obama really win the independent voters — often by huge margins — in every contest except for Arkansas and Oklahoma?
8:20 PM — 44% of the Indiana precincts have reported. Why, CNN’s John King, won’t you tell us who will win?
8:21 PM — He will point to a bunch of counties on a map of Indiana and act like he knows/cares about any of this.
8:22 PM — Hey he just drew creepy eyes at the top of Indiana’s “head.”

 

Hola wonkerados.

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