After all, wasn’t the inventor of basketball, Al Gore, from Indiana anyway? These are two of the many questions surrounding tonight’s Indiana primary, which will be followed by a North Carolina primary like 30 minutes later. Results, that is. Is Chris Matthews punching Keith Olbermann yet, which is what he does to get off? Let’s liveblog more (part one here) and hope that Hillary doesn’t finally kill our souls forever.
7:30: Barack Obama projected to win North Carolina; Indiana too close to call but Hillz is winning.
6:45 — Norah O’Donnell looks hot, and maybe pregnant, but she is showing a lot of legs and they look just fine.
6:46 — Hillary Clinton is winning Indiana by 22%, with 3% of precincts reporting, and this is because of the Blue Collars of course.
6:47 — Fuck you, Chris Matthews, please stop analyzing how Hillary is winning the state of Indiana because she took shots with beer chasers. Just fuck you you fucking fuckity fuck.
6:48 — YOU ALL ARE TERRIBLE NOBODY LIKES YOU PEOPLE ON TEEVEE. Some hobbit gal is talking about how people (Chris Matthews) thought Hillary was a “white-wine swilling” Ivy League elitist, until she had a shot of whiskey at a bar in front of cameras.
6:49 — The hobbit gal went to Brown, OH HO HO, SHE CAN’T TALK.
6:50 — Tom Daschle! Ha ha no way, didn’t he die of anthrax on 9/11?
6:51 — He thinks Barack will win the thing in like mid-June, because who is this Hillary person anyway. Whatever, South Dakota Loser Tom.
6:53 — It’s Tim Russert, the most important journalist in American history. Give us the imminent, dire situation report, Tim!
6:55 — The Dire Tim Russert Situation(TM): If Hillary does not win Indiana by enough. If she only wins by single digits. Will the superdelegates then. And Hillary’s own supporters. PUT PRESSURE ON HER TO END THIS? This is an incredibly important time. It is just that crucial.
6:57 — Commercial break, while Tim Russert writes the 7:30 analysis which will be something like, “Can Hillary go on. There is a lot of pressure on Hillary to not go on. From party officials. Can Hillary go on. If she wins. By three points?”
7:00 — It is POLL CLOSING TIME, and FOUR PERCENT OF VOTES ARE IN, and MSNBC still will not call this race. Elitists.
7:01 — BREAKING NEWS ALERT THAT WE ARE SERIOUSLY NOT MAKING UP: Polls will have to stay open in some county or other in northwest Indiana because of (official reason) “human error.” Chris Matthews explains that some poll worker fucked up the voting process because he couldn’t turn on the machine for several hours. This is actually what happens, this is why polls are staying open late in a county or two. Fuck you, Indiana, no one likes you and your basketball Hoosiers and Gene Hackman too.
7:02 — Oh look, Hillary’s chairman Terry McAuliffe. This is the man who owns Hillary Clinton’s campaign:
7:04 — Let’s search the archives for that “other” picture of Terry McAuliffe, and then maybe by the time we’ve found it he’ll be done talking about why Hillary will be the new president after Michigan is counted:
7:07 — Oh this should give us a much-needed shot in the arm: it’s now the most famous loser in recent history, John Kerry, talking about stuff. Hey John, show yr tits!
7:08 — Please don’t show your tits, ever, John Kerry.
7:09 — Tom Daschle, Terry McAuliffe, John Kerry. It’s like an early 2000s Hall of Monster Democrat Fame! Where’s Dicky Gephardt, or Joe Lieberman? Oh right, one is dead and one is John McCain’s slave.
7:11 — Chris Matthews just went on a textbook Cable News Rant about the American electorate, a picaresque tour of characters in trailer parks who “drop g’s” and drink beer and bowl on the local ladies’ bowling team. I thought it was the Negroes who drop the g’s, like all of those rappers on the Em Tee Vee (Barack Obama)?
7:14 — The Most Important Tim Russert In Journalism says, “Obama has been trying to get white women to come to him.” And this could be. His downfall. Right now. Obama. With the white gals.
7:18 — Obama wins Indiana’s black folks 92% to 8%. That means 46 of Indiana’s black people voted for Barry and the other 4 went for the white chick.
7:23 — Pat Buchanan says Hillary is going to win by double digits and this means Barack Obama cannot be president. Welcome to another Tuesday Night with Pat Buchanan!
7:24 — The only good thing about having more competitive primaries is that it keeps giving Pat Buchanan opportunities to finally yell “RACHEL MADDOW WHAT KINDA CARPET YOU BEEN A’MUNCHIN’.” Swear to God, will happen by West Virginia. South Dakota at the latest.
7:26 — *Not just saying this because he’s the only black dude at the table*, but doesn’t Eugene Robinson sound exactly like Cleveland from Family Guy tonight? Someone do an audio mash up!
7:30 — NORTH CAROLINA POLLS CLOSE: Barack Obama is president of North Carolina, there is a projection! You know why? It’s a secret. (ALL THE BLACK PEOPLE VOTED FOR HIM).
7:33 — Blah blah Tom Brokaw old. This is a good time to pass it over to Ken Layne, who has finished feeding his 45 children. New thread shortly! (IT’S UP GO HERE)