A Children’s Treasury of Sexy Text Messages From Detroit’s Greatest Mayor

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Let us revert our attention back to the Mayor of Detroit, Kwame Kilpatrick, and his human foibles for some time today. Kilpatrick — the greatest mayor in American history — was indicted earlier this year for perjury, obstruction of justice and “conspiracy” along with his former chief of staff, Christine Beatty. Kilpatrick happened to be shtupping Beatty several years ago, and then some city officials got wind of it, and then Kilpatrick fired those city officials for… being lame? And then Kilpatrick and Beatty both completely lied about the nature of these firings in investigative hearings last year. But it was those text messages, those sexy text messages, that the two had exchanged back and forth that did them in. Now an 18-page memo has been released listing all of the good text messages Beatty and Kilpatrick shared. Let’s read them, LOL LOL!

Because all these fucking people text to each other is the word “LOL,” which is Internet parlance for “That is comical.” Look at these retarded seventh graders, as it were, on September 15, 2002 — only 369 days after space stations were blown up in New York City:

LOL LOL LOL, LOL LOL LOL! LOL, LOL LOL LOL LOL? LOL! LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL — LOLOLOL, LOLOL, LOL; LOL LOL LOL; LOL (LOLater on the very, very early morning of September 15, 2002):

As you can see, they were in Washington D.C., home of America! You know how Christine Beatty spent her time enjoying the nation’s capital the next morning? By being a COCKTEASE:

The blacked-out word(s), we believe, is “hummer” or “Slurple McGurple” or “Siamese sucky sorcery.” Whatever you choose to call it, Kwame was rightfully pissed that she would not do it and then go around telling him after the fact. Especially after he got her Ben’s Chili Bowl, LOL OLOL LOLOL!!!

Yes, because men — especially this man — are never in the mood for a Suckering Succotash.

Ha ha, he runs a city.

Detroit Mayor’s To Ex-Aide Are Released [NYT]
PDF of sexy texts memo

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About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

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  • LowerdPeninsula

    You know, living in Michigan, I’d actually never bothered reading the actual texts (only the excerpts from the dailies). I simply didn’t care, but suffice it to say, I knew these two were children. Everyone did.