Karl Rove Has Advice For Barack Obama

Karl Rove knows how to win elections, and he would like to share some top-secret election-winning techniques with Barack Obama! Or is this some reverse double Axel bizarro technique coaching guaranteed to make Obama EPIC FAIL come November? Review Karl Rove's 7 Steps to Electoral Success and decide for yourself!

1. Jazz up your stump speech with a little soft shoe, and don't be afraid to use edgy terms like "cankles" and "assfest."

2. Take your Reverend Wright character, find a bus, throw him under it, and then keep backing up and driving over him until he is an inoffensive pancake.

3. Bomb the Capitol and take credit for it.

4. Stop campaigning.

5. Stop critizing your opponents.

6. Talk a lot about concrete policy initiatives, the way that George Bush did when he was running for president.

7. Remember that liberals don't "drink chablis"; they "sip chardonnay" while Republicans and Hillary Clinton "swill moonshine." Brew up a batch of bathtub gin and watch the blue collars swoon!

 Dear Senator Obama ... [Newsweek]