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bitter elite

Does Barack Obama Hate Tanning Salons?

DO NOT WANTPeople who go to Tanning Salons are poor white trash, according to some dingbat website we've never encountered before just now. Elitists say the tanning craze was briefly "in" with the wealthy people in like 1958 and again in spring of 1992, but that was all, ever, and throughout history having a "suntan" just meant you spent all your time outside doing hard labor. "There is no easier way to tell that someone is white trash than by whether he or she has a tan," some self-proclaimed Beauty Expert told this website. What other ways do poor, bitter people broadcast their socio-economic status to their Elitist Betters? The answers might surprise you!

Okay, they will not surprise you. But let's keep track, anyway, so we have a ready-made list of "demographics" Hillary will next be claiming as her own.

Lower class white people used to look just like any white people — except, perhaps, the Rockefellers and Morgans, with the top hats and monocles. That was when everyone owned at least one decent suit (for funerals/church) and cut their hair in a dignified way and didn't cover themselves with tattoos, goatees, sheet-metal piercings and thick rolls of human fat ... in the 1920s, we think, or possibly during World War II. In any case, the "'60s counterculture" arrived in 1974 and suddenly everybody looked like a sack of day-glo shit.

By 1980, the Elite Rich woke from their long cocaine binge and got rid of the hairsprayed helmet hair, wide polyester lapels, white vinyl shoes and everything else that made them look like '70s porn producers. Ever since, they have stubbornly dressed like 1962 preppies (except for Jenna Bush, who has "her own style"). Poor people, meanwhile, have devised dozens of new ways of displaying their white-trashiness to the world.

Ladies
* Hand tattoos: Once the exclusive domain of old-timey murderers such as Robert Mitchum, now even $4,300 hookers for elite Democrat governors have primitive ink scratches on their hands.
* Belly Button rings: Another regrettable fad of 1997, the "gut bling" has now spread like abdominal cancer to every white 'ho in America, all of whom have already done at least "amateur" porn.
* Fake French Manicures: The top of the nail should be the length of a monster talon, and covered in something that looks like bathtub porcelain. The lower nail should be the same burnt-orange color as the skin. And in the middle of each fingernail, a generous dollop of glue 'n glitter!
* Way-Too-Small "Polo" Shirt: It only makes it over the first or second fat roll, and then there's just an expanse of blubber, which cascades over the low-rise jeans that are just barely not exploding, like when Bill Bixby turned into the Hulk.

Doods
* TruckNutz: These are, of course, replicas of oversized human scrotums which are purchased with a payday loan and then attached to the rear bumper or trailer hitch of a white-trash pickup days before the Repo Man comes a-callin'.
* Giant Shorts: Whether you're a big fuckin' fat dude or some skinny-ass meth mouth dude, you have to wear the same calf-length giant shorts, which only half obscure your ...
* Calf Tattoos of Flames: Like money in the bank, if by "money" you mean "maxed-out 39% APR credit cards."
* Braided Goatees: It was, we believe, the great patriot Hulk Hogan who first introduced America's couch-bound cretins to the concept of "If you're going bald, just hang a bunch of shit in your neck-beard." The dollar has been in steady decline ever since.

Tanning = White Trash? [News Blaze]

3:40 PM on Thu Apr 24 2008
By Ken Layne
7,706 views
117 comments

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