Oh hey, it’s Barack Obama, speaking, on the TeeVee, from Indiana, about the results in Pennsylvania. Let’s liveblog this bitch, shall we?
- 10:46 PM — Obama comes out smiling and happy, saying “I love you back” to a gal screaming “I Lurve You,” and thanking John Cougar Mellencamp … well this must be Indiana!
- 10:47 PM — Starting with the happy talks, the jokes, the stuff. Putting off the bummer?
- 10:47 PM — No, instead, he graciously congratulates Hillary in the first 90 seconds of his speech.
- 10:48 PM — “People thought we were going to be blown out, and now, six weeks later, we closed the gap, we rallied people of every age, race and background to the cause.”
- 10:49 PM — Registered a record number of new voters, who will bury Hillary’s supporters when they die of natural causes, in November.
- 10:52 PM — He just missed a chance to say “doing what we were doing for the past sixteen years.
- 10:53 PM — Because this speech is going to be all about John McCain and George W. Bush. Interesting. Hillary never mentioned McCain, did she?
- 10:53 PM — With 79% of the precincts reporting, looks like a 10% win for Hilz in PA. Will that hold?
- 10:57 PM — Is that Larry David sitting right behind Obama?
- 10:58 PM — Well, he’s less annoying than Hillary, but this is not an award-winning speech. Helps to win, for those speeches.
- 11:02 PM — He is not a perfect man, as his mean wife always tells him, but he will be president for eight years, which is a hint that Hillary will be about as old as McCain’s mom when Obama is finally done being president of the U.S. Solar System, in space.
- 11:05 PM — And out he goes, with, uh … a John Cougar Mellencamp song. You know, “race music.”
- 11:06 PM — Olbermann & Matthews are now saying Hillary is so much better. These fuckin’ guys! Never give these teevee hosts an eight-ball during the speech.
And that’s it, babies. Tonight’s Hillary speech was brought to you by FATE, which decided in 1920 that Hillary Clinton would be president despite the delegate counts or actual vote. And tonight’s Obama speech was brought to you by … Abercrombie & Fitch:
And now we only have another thousand primaries coming up next! Guam! North Carolina! Indiana! West Virginia! Kentucky! Oregon! Puerto Rico! Montana! Jesus, South Dakota could decide this. Or not.
Tim Russert says Obama will easily make up PA in NC, and will still be 700,000 votes ahead in the popular vote, and still way ahead with delegates, and Hillary now says it will be settled in … June. JUNE?