Kind of a weird week in Condiland! She had to threaten her staff again, had an awkward moment with Madeleine Albright, and endured the embarrassment of standing idly by as the Pope got kissed by — ew! — Nancy Pelosi. And that was really kind of it! So let’s flesh things out the way real journalists do: by making things up! See the pictures and feel the magic, after the jump!
It really wasn’t a bad week, there just wasn’t a ton of Condi in it, so that’s always a little disappointing. Things seemed brighter last Monday when America’s Princess Diplomat was presented with yet another honorary doctorate, this one for being queen of the Air Force or something (AP Photo):
Don’t get too impressed, though, because this was down in Alabama, so it was a “hometown girl” kinda thing. The cutest thing was when a local journalist said, “Your name has been floating around as a possible vice presidential bid for — you’re already shaking your head.” Ha ha! Sorry folks, the dream truly is over!
Also on Monday was a superbly cringe-worthy moment as Condi, in a special ceremony from Hell, got to awkwardly present Maddy Albright with her official State Department portrait (AP):
Way to rock the grape satin, Maddy! “I think all of you know that Madeleine and I share a certain kinship,” Condi revealed to the audience, “because I was in college at the University of Denver trying to figure out my way in life and coming to the realization that if I stayed a music major I would end up playing at Nordstrom or perhaps at a piano bar — (laughter) — and I tried courses in English literature, and State and local government. And I hated them all. And then one day, I walked into a course in international politics taught by a Soviet specialist, a Czech émigré, a man named Josef Korbel, Secretary Albright’s father.” So there you go! Now you know who to blame! Also: Nordstrom is never very far from Dr. Ferragamo’s thoughts.
Anyway, wouldn’t it be weird if Condoleezza Rice woke up one day with a full set of antlers? I know, random, right? What would her day be like? What adventures would she have?
• 7:30 AM: Condi resumes her morning after she and her handlers master the “stoop and turn sideways” technique of walking through doorways.
• 9:00 AM: Hopelessly distracted, Colombian foreign minister signs highly disadvantageous memorandum of understanding.
• 11:00 AM: Condi informs Henry Waxman she’s changed her mind about “butting heads” with him; Waxman nervously backs off.
• 1:00 PM: Glenn Kessler spoils press conference with spontaneous game of ring toss.
• 3:00 PM: Condi fails to solve Mideast crisis.
• 4:30 PM: Condi is forced to cancel weekend trip to Camp David when it’s discovered that she can no longer fit in the helicopter.
So, really, her life wouldn’t be all that much different!
OK, so where were we? Oh yes: threatening the staff. Remember how last Fall she was upset because none of her staffers wanted to serve in Iraq or Afghanistan? Well, it’s that time again! Spring means it’s time for a new batch to be fed into the grinder, so it was also time for Madame Secretary to butter them up by saying how great they are, and how much fun it’ll be to work in a glamorous war zone. Step right up, folks!
Noteworthy broadcast Communist Keith Olbermann had his own ideas about this, taunting Condi by saying, “If it’s so great, why don’t you sign up for Iraq when your term as secretary of state is up?” And you know what? I bet she will!
And finally, the Pope was in town last week, as you may have heard. Presbyterian Condi got to stand near the noteworthy erstwhile Nazi, but apparently was not allowed to come into physical contact with him. Fair enough! Not everybody is good enough to touch the Pope! But Nancy Pelosi apparently is, so it’s obviously a fallen world.
So what’s next for the Condibot? She made an OMG SECRET SURPRISE trip to Iraq yesterday, so that’s fun and I’m sure she solved, oh, just oodles of problems there. She had her very own “bring ‘em on” moment when she called Muqtada al-Sadr a coward, which I’m sure will work out well for everybody. It turns out that all the Iraqis have to do, according to Condi, is beat all the militias! So by this time next week, that’ll be done and it’ll be onto the next challenge for America’s Virgin Ambassador! Neat! See you then!
Veteran Condiwatcher Peter Huestis (also known as Princess Sparkle Pony) explores the searing wit and infinite wisdom of America’s Favorite Princess Diplomat™ each week at Wonkette!
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