Wowsers, ABC is giving CNN a run for its money in hosting the worst faux-legitimate debate (part 1) this season. But we have yet to hear whether Obama sheds ONE tear or SEVERAL tears when he sees an American Bald Eagle. Does the Bald Eagle love America as much as he does? George & Chuckie will be sure to ask.
8:53 — Ooh, a real question, about American Iraq. Some lady in Philly asks Hillary if we will actually leave Iraq or if that is complete bullshit. Hey, that’s a question! Congrats, lady in Philly — you’re a better journalist than anyone at ABC News!
8:54 — Hillary says that we have Civilian Executives who listen to what David Petraeus says about the “ground situation,” and then compare it with the status of the electoral map.
8:55 — CHARLES GIBSON: So you think you’re BETTER or SMARTER than St. General David of Petraeus? Think you’re all fancy in your “limousine liberal” Oval Office?
8:56 — No, I’m not saying I’m smarter than my would-be subordinate in the military! Not saying that at all. Just saying that Vote Hillary for President!
8:57 — Barack: I Know Bouts Miltarys.
8:58 — The latest question in this wretched, humiliating debate: So guys, um, what if… what if Iran got a NUKE and then it was all like “HEY JEWS I’MA BOMB YOUR COUNTRY” and the Jews were like “BRING IT MUSLIMS” and then the Iran totally DID NUKE Israel. Would you guys in this AWESOME action scenario totally declare WAR on Iran?
9:03 — They’re showing a funny clip of John McCain making an old-man joke that’s along the lines of “Hopey’s gonna raise your taxes, the uppity jackrabbit is! That ain’t hope. That’d be worse than when I wanted to import some Coal but then they went about passin’ ol’ Hoot-Smawley!” A question, for this debate, is derived from this clip. Hillary cackles like a moron.
9:05 — George Stephanopoulos, Rhodes Scholar: “Can you make a ‘no new taxes’ pledge, Hitlery?” Has teevee news ever considered life outside of its cave of binarisms?
9:08 — Ooh, they’re actually asking about the capital gains tax for the first time all election season! That’s actually legit, since Barack is progressive against the Stock-owning Class’ interests and Hillary Clinton is corporate as fuck.
9:10 — Charles Gibson is asking about Obama’s plan to raise the capital gains tax among the wealthiest Americans by saying, essentially, What’s your problem with supply-side economics? Barack Obama doesn’t even understand the trickle-down effect! Charles’ll learn ‘em.
9:11 — Gawd, Barack Obama just does not understand that upping the cap gains tax on households making $250,000/year would ruin the “working upper class” and their petty $3.2 million in assets.
9:20 — Oh hey I went to go get coffee. Did George and Chuck maybe possibly get deported back to Hell yet?
9:22 — Commercial! Was that a 7-eleven ad I saw? Learned more about the issues in those thirty seconds than I have all election season, culminating tonight.
9:24 — Hey Hillary how are you going to fix Philadelphia’s crime problem, as president of the United States of America?
9:26 — Hillary: Assault weapons are being brought in by the Mexicans and given to actual retards. That makes murder happen!
9:27 — So Hillary’s grandfather was a retard in cahoots with the Mexicans?
9:27 — Hillary’s grandfather was a Mexican with a Retard Gun!
9:28 — Barack: I took peoples’ guns in Chicago. Which side of Chicago you ask? No, not the North, or the East or West or Center. What else could there be? OH MAYBE THE SOUTH SIDE, OF CHICAGO. You know where it takes balls to even exist in. That is where Barry took the Mexican retards’ guns, from Hillary Clinton and her grandfather.
9:31 — Hillary: Guns that shoot in Washington D.C. may shoot differently — or maybe not at all! — in New York. And in Pennsylvania they work Great!
9:35 — Hillary to make Affirmative Change on Black People’s life, with Affirmative Investment. Racism ends when the capital gains tax ends, no?
9:37 — Charlie Gibson, wrapping up the show and not seven minutes too late: “So c’mon whaddaya gonna do bout these gas prices, they’re killin’ me. Death, these prices, can’t even get out of my driveway without, without this guy comin’ askin’ me for that $2k I lost at the greyhound races. I’m like look guy, told ya, you’d get your $2k plus prime interest in a week or two! Things are just a little slim now with the wife, the damn wife took that secret wad of ones I keep in my sock drawer. Third sock with the golden toe, she knew which one! So yes: Which one of you will kill my bookie and the slow greyhound I lost my fortune on and my tramp of a wife, that whore. WHICH ONE?”
9:38 — “Yeah gas is bad Charlie,” says the world.
9:41 — Is this just another commercial break, or is it the end that was supposed to happen 13 minutes ago?
9:43 — KAUS HAS EATEN EVERY DONUT IN SOUTHEASTERN PENNSYLVANIA.
9:47 — You know who hates George and Charlie more than anyone? Philly’s two big newspaper bloggers.
9:48 — Hillary says we can vote for her because “You know where I stand” on the issues. Yes, we do: you would leave Jeremiah Wright’s church, you like some guns some places, and you think “bitter” is trite when it comes to adjective selection in 2008. Thanks for weaning these nuggets out, ABC!
9:49 — Barack says something in Mexican.
9:51 — OVER!
9:52 — Tonight’s Lesson: Barack Obama will not tell the truth about how he hates America, and its flag.
They were worse than Wolf Blitzer.