Hey look everybody, it’s your favorite pals from the Main Stream Media, in Philadelphia. We are here to liveblog Barack and Hillary’s latest friendly debate from the National Constitution Center, where the Constitution was whittled from a single block of wood. It’s true! Ask Ben Franklin, he’s EVERYWHERE in this city. Anyway, what do Barack and Hillary have to say that anyone will care about? Only THE ISSUES! Now let’s grab a bottled water and wave girlishly at Mickey Kaus and liveblog this number.
8:01 — Ooh, Charles Gibson from ABC is hosting. Are we supposed to like him? Most people here forget.
8:01 — He calls this debate “Round 15″ in a 10-round fight. I believe this is, what, the 20th or 21st round? Get yr facts write, “Chuck from ABC.”
8:02 — Ahh, questions from Facebook.com! What will they be? “Barack, why did you not return my poke or accept my Scrabulous game!!” Barack: “Don’t be so bitter, Gunsy.”
8:03 — Hopey is now saying “frustrated” instead of “bitter” when describing Pennsylvania’s poor “white ethnics.” Somehow, this is acceptable. They are not frustrated with the government at all! Rumsfeld 4 Prez.
8:05 — Hillary says we need a “passport” to opportunity. WHASSA MATTER, THE U.S. ISN’T GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU? Clearly the Blue Collars do not have passports, otherwise they would live in Mexico, shootin’ and killin’ Mexicans & jobs.
8:06 — Oh, oh now this is good, a commercial break already! Can we have one every two minutes?
8:07 — MICKEY IS STEALING ALL THE COMPLIMENTARY DONUTS NOW.
8:07 — Oh look, a Constitution sentence saying that the president serves for four years. Thanks, ABC! We thought the president served for two and then Dick Cheney just kind of did most things.
8:08 — We’re off to a substantive start here. Charles Gibson introduces his first question with “Before we get to the issues…” then asks them some dumb bullshit that neither has an answer to. Like, should you run on the Dream Ticket (Barack and Hillary together) THAT NO ONE WANTS.
8:09 — Barack finally answers, “the American people, nah, don’t like George Bush, Charlie.” He’s chain-patching four Nicorettes right now.
8:11 — Hillary will save everyone from dying of the Health Insurance Cancer. She’s seen them die! [CACKLE].
8:12 — Chuckie’s already going after BITTERGATE and asking Barack why he’s “patronizing.” Barack responds that Warren Buffet is a patron, but doesn’t pay income tax much! No, he did not say that. He is talking about the housing crisis that has left him with only one Tony Rezko Home.
8:14 — When will this fuckwit learn that the humans are NOT frustrated about the economy, only about the gays and Jimmy Carter?
8:15 — Ha ha, Hillary’s grandfather was a Blue Collar in Scranton who worked “six days a week,” uphill three ways! Why stop there? Hillary’s grandfather was an African-American plantation slave in Dickensian England. Please sir, s’more? There was “no more” or “anything at all” when Hillary’s grandfather lived somewhere in PA!
8:16 — Hillary: “For 15 years I’ve been on the receiving end of the Republican machine,” almost verbatim. And you don’t know nothin’ until you know the long dick of the Red States.
8:17 — George Stephanopoulos is also asking questions for ABC, and he asks Hillary if BARRY can win against John McCain.
8:17 — Hillary: John McCain is terrible! Those policies are like, as bad as the black race!
8:18 — George: Answer the question, Pantsy McHitler.
8:19 — Hillary: Sure, Barack can win! In Kenya… the Kenya of Outer Space!
8:21 — Barack: Nah nah, I can be president, you just watch me Ms. WORD-CONSTRUER FOR GAIN. (He is very offended that Hillary plays politics).
8:23 — Charlie Gibson wants to know why Obama has a Typical Black Preacher, who hates America and its lack of swarthiness.
8:24 — I’m sorry, Barack is just terrible dealing with this Jeremiah Wright stuff when he has to actually “confront it” rather than make a speech. I mean, just terrible. “Uh, I saw the comments made by Wright in Rolling Stone but thought they would be a distraction, since they just came out.” And he had no idea that YouTube was making Wright say all these terrible things!
8:25 — Charlie: Hey Hillary, why did you say you would leave Obama’s church when asked? Because, if I may say so,
8:27 — Hillary says it was a question and she answered it directly. Hey, that’s actually an achievement for her!
8:28 — Wow, George Stephanopoulos just asked an embarrassing question: “Does Jeremiah Wright love America as much as you?” Seriously. Because if he doesn’t, then he cannot be your Secretary of Black that you obviously intend to make him.
8:29 — Hey, here’s a question that I would submit to Facebook.com if I still used that: What does either of you think about a SINGLE THING RELATED TO THE CURRENT ELECTION?
8:32 — Bosnia.
8:33 — Hillary lied about Bosnia.
8:34 — Did you know that Hillary lied about Bosnia and its Sinbadgate?
8:35 — So far, the issues at hand: Dream ticket, the word “bitter,” Jeremiah Wright’s patriotism vis-a-vis Barack Obama’s, Sinbad and Bosnia.
8:37 — YouTube is the issue now. Whaddaya think about YouTube, candidates for president? It’s so Y2K isn’t it!?
8:38 — A real question that was just asked at a presidential debate, from Pennsylvania citizen Nash McCabe, an old lady: “Barack Obama, what do you think about the American flag?” YES BARACK OBAMA YOU SHITEATING SON OF A SAUDI MUSLIM BLACK KENYAN ETHIOPIAN TERRORIST FROM MARS, DO YOU IN ANY FUCKING WAY LIKE THE UNITED STATES?
8:40 — Barack: “It’s great! Also, which way is Mecca, I need to face it.”
8:42 — New, creative question, paraphrased: HEY BARRY THIS GUY WHO HATES MERRRKKKA ALSO LIVES IN YOUR NEIGHBORHOODD WHY DOES HE LIVE IN YR NEIGHBORHOOD ARE YOU GAY’N MUSLIM?
8:45 — We’re gonna start a new thread (HERE IT IS). Maybe every question about Barack’s acquaintances and how much they hate America will be answered by the time the next one loads. Oh, what’s that, Charles Barkley also lives in Obama’s guest room?