Veteran Condiwatchers thought the ridiculous vice presidential rumors were over and done with, but oh no, there was to be one final, glorious flare-up last week to finally burn them to cinders. What else has America’s Princess Diplomat been up to for the last seven days? Well, it all involves paperweights, cutesy baseball references, Jimmy Carter, and torture! Yay! Find out all about it after the jump.
OK, so last week in the Condi Roundup, I linked almost as an afterthought to an article about Dan Senor trucking the Condi veep rumors on ABC’s This Week. Senor obviously got the whole idea from Steve Clemons, who had earlier spun the straw of Condi meeting with Grover Norquist into the gold of her angling to be McCain’s running mate. Well, you know what happens when you repeat a rumor, no matter how illogical, on television! And like an extravagantly virulent STD, the rumors flared up anew.
And since nobody wanted the rumor to be true more than journalists, they all rushed to write about it. Condi’s spokesboy, Sean McCormack, tried to throw water on the whole thing with a quick denial, but it was too late. Both Reuters and Ackers at the Washington Post buried the denials in clouds of wishful thinking and feel-good quotes from Grover Norquist,.
The funniest thing is that WALNUTS! McCain himself was pretty bewildered about the whole business.
“I missed those signals,” the doddering, ancient coot said, refusing to play along with the reporters. He then rambled on a bit about Condi being a great American ‘n stuff, finally adding, hilariously, “her overall record is very, very meritorious.” And then they gave him his meds and wheeled him back to his room.
Meanwhile, what was Condi herself doing while all this was swirling around? Why, she was chuckling it up with tiny defense secretary Robert Gates at the Colombia trade thingy. (All large photos by AP.)
On Tuesday, Camp Condi issued a fresh batch of “No, Condi’s not running” statements. The Washington Post’s Eugene Robinson, refreshingly, realized full well that the McCain/Condi idea was totally ludicrous, and wrote a hilarious column to that effect. “[T]he piano recitals, the early-morning workouts, the skybox appearances at football games, the impromptu lectures on Russian history (in Russian), the daily fashion show,” Robinson wrote excitedly, ending with a heartfelt “Pleeeeeease?”
And just like that, the rumor was dead. Well done, Eugene!
Well, now that we’ve got that all sorted out, let’s talk about something more fun, like torture! On Wednesday, ABC News reported that — wouldn’t you know it? — the Bush Administration had all kinds of special meetings about approving “enhanced interrogation techniques.”
And what about our fashionista diplobot? Why, she chaired the meetings! Neato, Condi! There’s that legacy you were wondering about! It’s no wonder she looked so constipated at her meeting with her Canadian and Mexican counterparts:
The rest of Condi’s week was mostly made out of cutesy bullshit, although she did take some time out on Friday to call Jimmy Carter an asshole. Just because he won the Nobel Peace Prize, he thinks he can do a better job in the Mideast than Dr. Ferragamo! The nerve! He’s trying to steal your precious legacy, girl! Don’t let him do it!
Meanwhile on Friday, Condi was presented with one of the most underwhelming honors of her career. A bunch of Afghanis were around, and to show their appreciation to Condi for everything she’s done for their bucolic country, they presented her with … a paperweight. No, really! A paperweight! How much do you want to bet they picked it up last minute at the airport? Anyway, here’s what it looks like when Condi is presented with a magic paperweight by grateful Afghans:
Condi, I think the above picture gives an accurate representation of every photo-op you’re going to endure from now on for the rest of your life.
And finally, remember how Bush got booed recently when he threw out the first pitch at the Nationals game? I think it affected Condi deeply. How do I know this? Well, her last thing on Friday was a presser with her German counterpart, Frank Steinmeier, and at the end when everything had devolved into cute nattering, one of the reporters asked if Condi had any advice for Mr. Steinmeier, who was scheduled to throw out a pitch in Boston. Her suggestion? “I would tell him not to do that,” the plucky diplomat warned, “This is risky, Frank.”
And last but not least, just to show how totally dead the Condi/WALNUTS! rumors were by the end of the week, some people had already moved on to other absurd ideas about who to put up as McCain’s running mate. Gary Bauer, the batshit crazy erstwhile candidate, for instance, came up with perhaps the only pick more unlikely than Condi: Fred Thompson! And that, dear readers, is how a rumor truly dies, not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Veteran Condiwatcher Peter Huestis (also known as Princess Sparkle Pony) explores the searing wit and infinite wisdom of America’s Favorite Princess Diplomat™ each week at Wonkette!
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