Hey, did you know that it’s only March? That’s right, you have another seven months of this stupid election to endure. Since it’s already gone on for eleventy billion months already, everything of remote substance has already been hashed out and forgotten, so now all we have time for are the wild accusations. And everyone knows wild accusations are more fun in cartoon form!
Basis in truth: Sadly, this is more Hillary exaggeration and spin. In an attempt to prove that her sexual prowess was superior to her opponents, Hillary boasted that she had once “fucked a dinosaur.” When it was pointed out to her that dinosaurs have been dead for millions of years, she claimed that she “misspoke,” and that the dinosaur she fucked had been dead at the time. Even this version of the story was ultimately disproved by the brave testimony of popular ’80s funnyman Bronson Pinchot.
Basis in truth: With his long, lithe body and his natural ease and grace, it would have been crazy for Obama to not have tried his luck on the figure skating circuit. Sure, it might seem a little weird that he wore a skirt for his routines, but his coaches told him that with his great legs, the unorthodox move would make an excellent impression on the judges.
As for all of those possibly disturbing videos on YouTube of him mincing about effeminately on ice — well, we can keep talking about those out-of-context images until we’re blue in the face, but if we don’t move on to the real issues that are facing America, we’re just going to see more of the same in 2012, possibly starring Mitt Romney, and nobody wants that.
Basis in truth: Ha, if only. Paying deranged homeless men in sammiches and sterno to berate passers-by into coughing up spare change would be much more dignified than the way these campaigns are actually raising money, which is soliciting it over the Internet.
If you were a candidate, which would you rather have: a crumpled five-dollar bill hurled at a raving schizophrenic out of guilt, or a $50 credit card contribution which was entered into a browser window that shared screen space with a furry porn chat window in which your supporter was getting a blow job from a raccoon?
Basis in truth: This is actually more of a misunderstanding. You can see how it happened, because usually a donkey is a symbol of the Democrats. In this case, though, it’s just an actual donkey. Hills just can’t get enough of torturing animals.
Wild accusation: If the Democrats haven’t settled on a nominee by the time the convention rolls around, the issue will be decided by a sissy slap fight between the two candidates’ champions: a disheveled, obese Bill Richardson, and a freakishly lumpy-headed and lizard-like James Carville.
Basis in truth: Sadly, this scenario will only play out in the fevered imaginations of the more perverse superdelegates.
Basis in truth: This is actually 100 percent true. Look, he’s definitely got the cleavage for it.