Wonkette

Translation:

Dear Scott

Go fukk yourself and stop wasting our internet bandwidth!

I hope this is helpful. Thank you again for writing the Governor.

Best regards,

Rob Black
Policy Analyst
Governor's Office

Dear "Scott",

Awesome. You. Are. Awesome.

I still wonder how many bodies are in Wyoming that have had their organs removed and eaten by Cheney-licious though...

Q: Why are there no escalators in Wyoming?

A: Because they don't work well in sod houses and log cabins.

I work in a building with an escalator. I will go forth and ride it in honor of Scott.

Bullshit. I'll bet there's a Wyoming elevator inspector's bureau

No escalators at all in Wyoming? I guess Cheney is considered an escalateur.

While we are not aware of any research on this issue, it is widely assumed that there are no escalators in Wyoming.

I smell a federal funding opportunity!

@KiKiRiKi: Yeah, that's what the Maytag repairman does since his retirement.

All of Wyoming's missile silos have spiral staircases.

I'm going to start using the "It is widely assumed that..." in virtually every written response I give to a manager's directive at work.

If later pressed on that, I can always say "well, I gathered you would understand that those assumptions are wrong."

It's the ultimate win-win!

Wyoming is real man country -- where a handshake is worth more than the paper it's written on, where they allow hunting in church, and family is more than just folks you can't marry. And they said no moving staircase could conquer this rugged land of sagebrush and snowstorms -- but Jedediah Escalator set out to prove them wrong....

So I googled this just out of curiosity, and I got a hit for a Wyoming discussion board (!!) thread dealing with the topic back in 2002. It goes 12 pages -- and I could barely force myself to skim the first one -- but the gist of it seems to be that if God wanted escalators in Wyoming, He'd have put cows on the second floor.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the Ur-Paultards:
[www.wyomingnetwork.com]

Bet he misread "escalator" as "alligator"

I think there's one in the Jackson Hole Airport. It looks like it's written out on the north end of the map. Although, this thing looks like a prop from
"Waterworld" so I can't be sure.
[www.jacksonholeairport.com]

This from the Pinedale Roundup, Thursday, December 11, 1997:

RETAIL SPACE FOR LEASE Broadway Shops 1478 sq ft of retail space in a signature location with high traffic count Jackson s only indoor shopping mall and WYOMING s only ESCALATOR F. Pearl Street ground level space one block from the Town Square 1400 sq ft 925 sq ft at 00 per sq ft or combine both spaces far 50 per sq...

That sheep driving the motorcycle rates two diamonds in Wyoming.

Good Allah, This is the best thing I have seen all year. I really need to get out more. Perhaps a trip to Idaho.

@Dave J.: "It is widely assumed that everyone in Wyoming lives in a sod house and is very good friends with sheep." Of course, this would be wrong, but hey, as long as it's "widely assumed."

It's also widely assumed that Dick Cheney is a war-mad, bloodthirsty maniac whose closest approach to DC should have been St. Elizabeth's. Or whose next stop should be a cell in the Hague. Both assumptions are, alas, correct.

Escalators in Wyoming must have been classified as public transit and anything that is shared with others is socialist. Private escalators are allowed however -- like the one they are going to install in Cheney's home, next to his staircase.

@queeraselvis: Like Spitzer's WHORES, "widely assumed."

@piobaroja: That escalator was later taken out after a terrible accident - the escalator got stuck, and 40 Wyomans were trapped on it for three hours.

Seriously, though, the escalator was taken out and a coffee shop or something was put in its place.

I did a similar Google search and was fascinated to discover that Wyoming (like every other state) has escalator "expert" witnesses who will (for a fee) testify in your escalator injury case. I suppose they are like the Vatican experts on human sexuality.

Of course there are no escalators in Wyoming. Dick Cheney doesn't sit on the board of Acme Escalator.

@mahousu: It is widely assumed that the Vatican library has the best porn collection in the world. Sure, it's medieval and Renaissance porn, but hey...porn!

They're just taking a page from the Bush/Cheney playbook: "While we are not aware of any research, it is widely assumed there are stockpiles of nuclear weapons in Iraq."

There is only one escalator in the entire city of Santa Fe, the capitol of New Mexico. It takes you to a Mexican restaurant.

No, that is a *New Mexican* restaurant. Mexican food has no green chile and less cheese

Quick! Somebody alert Colson Whitehead: I smell a sequel!

How many jackalopes are there in Wyoming?

What you ignorant, elitist, Starbuck-sipping, sushi-eating city-folk don't seem to realize is that Wyoming is populated entirely by subterranean mole-men.

The adventurous ones used to poke their heads above ground occasionally, but Dick Cheney shot them.

Hah! Trick question! There is no such state as "Wyoming" and thus no escalators. I am pretty sure that everything west of the Mississippi is still just a territory. With scaaaarrry injuns.

@chapoutier:

Hah! Trick question! There is no such state as "Wyoming" and thus no escalators.

I thought Wyoming was the state of being cold, friendless, and obsessed with sheep. Every now and again, we all feel a little wyoming.

Dear Scott:

While we are not aware of any research on this issue, it is widely assumed that there are no homogays in Wyoming.

I hope this is helpful. Thank you again for writing the Governor.

Best regards,

Rob Black
Policy Analyst
Governor's Office

Rob Black is truly awesome. It was a smartass question met with a smartass answer. Everyone wins.

Cowboy boot heels get stuck in them. Sometimes the heels fall off. Origin of cowboy song: "You picked a fine time to leave me, loose heel..."

Wyoming is the one just below Canada, right?

@chapoutier: Honestly, I assume that everything west of the Hudson River is a barren wasteland. Or at least Jersey is.

I love Rob Black. That answer is right up there with the interview I heard with Montana's governor on NPR a few weeks ago about the Real ID program. He told the Fed gov't to go to hell. Really. I was applauding the radio. I get the feeling that if you push these Western-state pols too far, you might get shot.

Dear Scott,

What the fuck's an escimalator? You mean one a those goddamn movin staircases? Hot damn, ain't those the things them Homosexuals ride up and down while suckin cock in New Yurk City? Fuck, son, we ain't got a'nuthin like that out here. Even Jesus had to walk ACROSS the water, not take a magic staircase over it.

I'd tell the governor about your email but the truth his he's a'scared as hell of anything that moves up and down other than a four-dollar hooker, and besides, he ain't know what a email is anyway.

Y'all write back now, ya here?
Rob Black
Not To Be Confused With a Black Person
Special Adviser on New Fangled Hoosiewhatsits
The Barn of the Governor

We did just pass a law that allows us to shoot anyone who comes into our sod houses. An odd thing because when Dick came to the neighborhood to visit his niece, a Secret Service guy sauntered into my in-laws house to take a pee. He gave my son a secret service pin, though. Made the mess on the floor more tolerable-- a rare thing 'round here.

@wyo: you should have sent the SS agent to the nearest synagogue. I have heard they like to use the facilities there.

In an odd twist of irony, there is a synagogue only a few blocks away. It seems we have more synagogues than escalators.

If I were Scott, I'd ask to speak with Rob Black's supervisor - you know just to escalate it.

@badtzmaru99: I'm tempted to ask, where.

Right now, the escalator-like "fun" for my kids, whenever we go to Santa Fe is that mall-like complex of galleries, where you can look down three floors into a dining area. It's either in the building where they held "Billy the Kid" for trial, or a couple of doors down.

Comment on Hey Governor, How Many Escalators Are There In Wyoming? Is Wyoming is the world headquarters for Otis Elevator Company ?

@SayItWithWookies:
Hehehe.
That is widely believed to be FAH.

We should buy a multi-level house in Wyoming and install an escalator. To finance the operation, the escalatored section of the home will be opened to the public, who will pay a small fee to ride it. We can even place a fancy coffee stand at the top to make even more money.

Hey, if the G.H.W. Bush Presidential library had time to dig up, scan in and email me pictures of the tie George the Elder was wearing for his first two State of the Union addresses so I could complete my pictoral history, the Governor of Wyoming should have time to answer one little email about excalaters.

Can someone email him back and ask why they have green lights in the cracks? Nowhere else on earth do we have green flourescent lights, except under escalators. Is this a secret replacement for Yucca Mountian? I demand silly answers!

Let's check the scoreboard, shall we?

______________________WY___________DC
Human population.................530,000..............550,000
Voting House members..................1...............................0
U.S. Senators...................................2...............................0
Electricity................................Not sure.......................yes
Escalators.........................................0.......................3,422
Working escalators.....................N/A..........................115

Hey Wyoming, we'll trade you 300 elevators, 10,000 tourists who stand on the left, 600 pigeons, Dupont Circle, and the Wizards NBA franchise for your House seat and one of those Senate seats. Dealio?