Wonkette
Our favorite dumb presidential candidate, John "WALNUTS!" McCain, delivered a "major foreign policy address" today, and it was about war and diplomacy, the latter of which he will never use. Since the media is distracted by Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton, McCain can say (and has said!) all sorts of raving dementia-babble and no one will care, because he is a Maverick. But just for kicks, what hilarious things did he say in his speech?
- Here's how he opened his speech, the inference being that he is the President of WWII and his grandfather cut and ran (to his death) because of screaming yellow banshees (Asians): "When I was five years old, a car pulled up in front of our house in New London, Connecticut, and a Navy officer rolled down the window, and shouted at my father that the Japanese had bombed Pearl Harbor. My father immediately left for the submarine base where he was stationed. I rarely saw him again for four years. My grandfather, who commanded the fast carrier task force under Admiral Halsey, came home from the war exhausted from the burdens he had borne, and died the next day." John McCain promises to honorably die the day after he is done being president, too!
- "I detest war. It might not be the worst thing to befall human beings, but it is wretched beyond all description." Indeed, it makes for a great hate-fuck.
- Suddenly, the lies become specific: "Those who claim we should withdraw from Iraq in order to fight Al Qaeda more effectively elsewhere are making a dangerous mistake. Whether they were there before is immaterial, Al Qaeda is in Iraq now, as it is in the borderlands between Pakistan and Afghanistan, in Somalia, and in Indonesia. If we withdraw prematurely from Iraq, Al Qaeda in Iraq will survive, proclaim victory and continue to provoke sectarian tensions that, while they have been subdued by the success of the surge, still exist, as various factions of Sunni and Shi'a have yet to move beyond their ancient hatreds, and are ripe for provocation by Al Qaeda." There should be a new policy where every time John McCain puts "Al Qaeda," "victory" and "Iraq" in the same sentence, he is automatically deemed a liar. They are such a small part of any problem in Iraq, and if John McCain lists them as the main reason to stay, then he is either senile or dumb or both; we knew this, but still, the end. On the other hand, he's just announced that we will have wars in Pakistan and Somalia and Indonesia too, so maybe you should vote for him. Those places are where the Fat Cats summer!
McCain's Foreign Policy Speech [The Caucus]
Comments
So wait Mr. WALNUTS!-
Are the Sunnis in Iran or Iraq? Do they get along? Are we trying to get the Iraqis out of Iraq so there can be more Al Qaeda? You have so much foreign policy experience that one can almost forget that you have forgotten EVERYTHING, you crazy old war-monger.
Being married to that robotic Cruella de Vil wannabe, I'd wager Walnuts knows a thing or two about early withdrawal.
isn't that the old guy from "the real mccoys" on nick at night? i remember him shouting something like "dagnabbit, luke!"
Ergo, we should be at war with Somalia, Pakistan, and Indonesia, or did I miss the part where he explained that his analogy actually cut against his argument?
Ha ha! Nah, I'm just kidding. He's a good guy.
Sen. John McCain - October 19, 1993
There is no reason for the United States of America to remain in Somalia. The American people want them home, I believe the majority of Congress wants them home, and to set an artificial date of March 31 or even February 1, in my view, is not acceptable. The criteria should be to bring them home as rapidly and safely as possible, an evolution which I think could be completed in a matter of weeks.
Our continued military presence in Somalia allows another situation to arise which could then lead to the wounding, killing or capture of American fighting men and women. We should do all in our power to avoid that.
I listened carefully to the President's remarks at a news conference that he held earlier today. I heard nothing in his discussion of the issue that would persuade me that further U.S. military involvement in the area is necessary. In fact, his remarks have persuaded me more profoundly that we should leave and leave soon.
Dates certain, Mr. President, are not the criteria here. What is the criteria and what should be the criteria is our immediate, orderly withdrawal from Somalia. And if we do not do that and other Americans die, other Americans are wounded, other Americans are captured because we stay too long--longer than necessary--then I would say that the responsibilities for that lie with the Congress of the United States who did not exercise their authority under the Constitution of the United States and mandate that they be brought home quickly and safely as possible. . . .
I know that this debate is going to go on this afternoon and I have a lot more to say, but the argument that somehow the United States would suffer a loss to our prestige and our viability, as far as the No. 1 superpower in the world, I think is baloney. The fact is, we won the cold war. The fact is, we won the Persian Gulf conflict. And the fact is that the United States is still the only major world superpower.
I can tell you what will erode our prestige. I can tell you what will hurt our viability as the world's superpower, and that is if we enmesh ourselves in a drawn-out situation which entails the loss of American lives, more debacles like the one we saw with the failed mission to capture Aideed's lieutenants, using American forces, and that then will be what hurts our prestige.
We suffered a terrible tragedy in Beirut, Mr. President; 240 young marines lost their lives, but we got out. Now is the time for us to get out of Somalia as rapidly and as promptly and as safely as possible.
I, along with many others, will have an amendment that says exactly that. It does not give any date certain. It does not say anything about any other missions that the United States may need or feels it needs to carry out. It will say that we should get out as rapidly and orderly as possible.
If we withdraw prematurely from Iraq, she will not be impregnated with Democracy. Instead, we must continue pounding away tirelessly, ceaselessly rhythmically. Bend her over the kitchen table or flip her on her stomach and keep at it. We must onward and upward with Iraq up against the wall, and we must keep at it in the shower if it be deemed necessary. For 100, nay 1000 years we must give that bitch Iraq what we know she wants, regardless of what she's actually saying to us, or screaming out, fists clenched, through grinding teeth and streaming tears. Yeah bitch... you know you want it... bitch.
...looks like someone forgot to take their Metamucil in that photo.
@Serolf Divad: Well done.
MAJOR PLANKS: (1) Reunite the Austrians and Hungarians to provide a barrier against the Prussians; (2) Get the Brits out of Van Diemen's Land, now! Fund the Zulu insurgency! (3) Enter into trade pact with the Shogun. (4) Commence steam shoveling of a canal somewhere on the Central American isthmus to keep those precious rubber plant products flowing. (5) Turn the renegade Ottoman empire into smoking craters with the assistance of bomb-laden zeppelins.
@Serolf Divad: No means yes, and yes means more.
It's absurd to think that Al Qaeda in Iraq (generic term for foreign fighters, numbering in the severeal thousand) would take over if the U.S. forces left.
What would actually happen is, all the various tribal sectarian factions and the government would crush the foreign fighters once and for all, since they are no longer any good for harrassing the U.S. forces. Then they would go back to fighting each other.
But in McCain and Bush's heated brains, they hallucinate Al Qaeda taking over the Iraqi oil fields. This has nothing to do with reality or security strategy, it is living on the level of sheer propaganda. It's all about the trillions of dollars being spent for this, and the people who get rich off that largesse.
US must protect its vital supply of parched rocks.
@Serolf Divad: And when we are done we'll give her a Donkey Punch!
Here's the problem:
"If we ____________________, Al Qaeda in Iraq will survive, proclaim victory and continue to provoke sectarian tensions that, while they have been subdued by the success of the surge, still exist, as various factions of Sunni and Shi'a have yet to move beyond their ancient hatreds, and are ripe for provocation by Al Qaeda."
A. "withdrawal prematurely"
B. "stay in Iraq indefinitely"
C. "don't become energy independent by _____"
c1. "moving to a hydrogen economy"
c2. "subsidize Iowa farmers"
c3. "drilling the shit out of the Alaskan north slope"
D. "continue to accept homosexuality"
E. "screw three- to seven-diamond whores"
I could keep going. Please add your own.
My friends, I am proud that my foreplay with lobbiests includes flying around the room with my arms spread and making airplane noises through my lips.
@FoggyFroggy: Does anyone else remember the speech Bush gave the night of the invasion, when he looked straight at the camera and said "Do not destroy oil wells, they are the property of the Iraqi people?" I laughed so very hard. Sure, Georgie, sure.
Al Qaeda in Iraq will survive, proclaim victory and...
Aha -- so anything we do whereby al-Qaida can claim victory is, to us, defeat? So we're going to stay in Iraq forever just so our withdrawal can't be used for propaganda purposes? Have fun explaining that to some dead soldier's mother, John.
@kentuckienne:
Yeah that's when Bush basically made it as explicit as any war criminal could that we were about to launch this war for oil. Part of the reason I shit upon the mainstream media's grave is the fact that no one seemed to give that statement any importance whatsoever.
@Serolf Divad:
I need a cigarette and a shower after reading that comment. Well done.
You know, Obama's sister is half-Indonesian, and Indonesia cooperated with Japan during WWII.
We've already discussed his Muslim and Black Radical Christian connections, but when will the media finally wake up and expose Barack 'Hirohito' Obama's links to perfidious Nihon and the plot to bomb Pearl Harbor?
@Serolf Divad: Not entirely true - Charlie Rose allowed Viggo Mortensen to wear a "No Blood for Oil" t-shirt on his show. But that's about as far as it got.
So, we're going to stay in Iraq until the Shia and Sunni reconcile their ancient hatreds? So only another 1400 years to go!
War might not be the worst thing to befall human beings?
I guess there's ... Michael Bay movies ...?
@Serolf Divad: I never thought of it this way. Now I'm sold. Let's give it her good.
Whats in John McCain's cheeks (swollen lymph nodes)? :(
@Serolf Divad:
Too bad for democracy- she's screaming "wrong hole!" in Arabic....
@fupduk:
And I think she's maneuvering to reach for the scissors...Arghhh!
@Tra: I was thinking Tom Green.
@Omnilation's Dog: And funny he didn't mention Saudi Arabia at all? Man knows his place.
@Gopherit: McCain could say "bomb bomb Mecca" and as long as Lieberman whispered something and he took it back, the media wouldn't cover it, except KO and Rachel Maddow.
@fupduk:
That's probably about right. Despite the glassy eyed, pie-in-the-sky fantasies of the clueless neo-cons, we're probably only going to wind up with a face full of Santorum.
@TJBeck: F. burn the casserole
G. fail to complete our collection of state quarters
H. allow DJ Caruso to make another film
@MagnusMaximus: I. dance
J: do not allow Ron Paul to be President
K: allow Ron Paul to be President
L: stop the music
@norbizness: (6) Put Lawrence of Arabia in charge of our thousand-year campaign in Mesopotamia, and supply him with all the camels and whips he might need.
Maybe he will do like Woodrow Wilson and live basically in a vegetative state for seven months of his presidency so Meghan McCain can silently serve as president of tattooed 20 year olds and get us the F$#% out of Iraq....
'John McCain promises to honorably die the day after he is done being president, too!'
...couldn't he save us all the trouble and do it now? (die, that is)
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