John McCain Delivers Comical Foreign Policy Speech

 

Our favorite dumb presidential candidate, John “WALNUTS!” McCain, delivered a “major foreign policy address” today, and it was about war and diplomacy, the latter of which he will never use. Since the media is distracted by Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton, McCain can say (and has said!) all sorts of raving dementia-babble and no one will care, because he is a Maverick. But just for kicks, what hilarious things did he say in his speech?

  • Here’s how he opened his speech, the inference being that he is the President of WWII and his grandfather cut and ran (to his death) because of screaming yellow banshees (Asians): “When I was five years old, a car pulled up in front of our house in New London, Connecticut, and a Navy officer rolled down the window, and shouted at my father that the Japanese had bombed Pearl Harbor. My father immediately left for the submarine base where he was stationed. I rarely saw him again for four years. My grandfather, who commanded the fast carrier task force under Admiral Halsey, came home from the war exhausted from the burdens he had borne, and died the next day.” John McCain promises to honorably die the day after he is done being president, too!
  • “I detest war. It might not be the worst thing to befall human beings, but it is wretched beyond all description.” Indeed, it makes for a great hate-fuck.
  • Suddenly, the lies become specific: “Those who claim we should withdraw from Iraq in order to fight Al Qaeda more effectively elsewhere are making a dangerous mistake. Whether they were there before is immaterial, Al Qaeda is in Iraq now, as it is in the borderlands between Pakistan and Afghanistan, in Somalia, and in Indonesia. If we withdraw prematurely from Iraq, Al Qaeda in Iraq will survive, proclaim victory and continue to provoke sectarian tensions that, while they have been subdued by the success of the surge, still exist, as various factions of Sunni and Shi’a have yet to move beyond their ancient hatreds, and are ripe for provocation by Al Qaeda.” There should be a new policy where every time John McCain puts “Al Qaeda,” “victory” and “Iraq” in the same sentence, he is automatically deemed a liar. They are such a small part of any problem in Iraq, and if John McCain lists them as the main reason to stay, then he is either senile or dumb or both; we knew this, but still, the end. On the other hand, he’s just announced that we will have wars in Pakistan and Somalia and Indonesia too, so maybe you should vote for him. Those places are where the Fat Cats summer!

McCain’s Foreign Policy Speech [The Caucus]

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Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

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