Wonkette
This whole "Barack Obama is a fresh face to American political history" meme has finally been disproven as yet another dumb liberal myth. Researchers at the New England Historic Genealogical Society have discovered that, aside from Dick Cheney, Obama is related to six former presidents, a Tory, various Confederate racists, and Brad Pitt. It is not clear whether they are from his Kenyan side or his Muslim side. Hillary COINCIDENTALLY is related to Angelina Jolie, the pretty lady who adopts children with Brad Pitt. John McCain, meanwhile, is the son of the first dinosaur.
Hillary is also related to Alanis Morissette, Madonna and Celine Dion, whose families each immigrated to the New World to trap furs near the St. Lawrence River. If only they knew.
Other famous fur traders include writer Jack Kerouac, who is also related to Hillary Clinton.
John McCain's sixth cousin is Laura Bush, so they've probably had sex at some point.
AND THEN WE COME TO BARACK OBAMA, the last scion of every political dynasty of Fat Cats and racist emperors since Ancient Mesopotamia:
Obama has a prolific presidential lineage that features Democrats and Republicans. His distant cousins include President George W. Bush and his father, George H.W. Bush, Gerald Ford, Lyndon Johnson, Harry S. Truman and James Madison. Other Obama cousins include Vice President Dick Cheney, British Prime Minister Sir Winston Churchill and Civil War General Robert E. Lee.
This is the worst human collective imaginable, and Barack Obama is married to every last one.
Obama Related to Pitt, Clinton to Jolie [AP/Google]
Comments
Hotness runs in Barry's family. (Except it hit Cheney with the ugly stick.)
Celine Dion, Madonna, and Alanis? Hillary's related to the only women on earth who are more annoying than her (Jolie excepted, she seems cool).
And no surprise that Madison was a secret black radical Muslim America-hater, what with his obsession with "rights" and "liberties" and "the constitution".
I started drinking heavily when I learned that am related to myself through Burgess Merideth.
Nepotism!
Geneaologists can find links to just about anybody -- so how come all McCrone gets is a distant cousinship with Laura? Is the Welch family tree more of a palm than an oak -- one long trunk with a few fronds at the end?
Of course now that I think about it, there is a resemblance -- he flies planes as well as she drives cars.
A distant relation to Fatty Arbuckle is a useful excuse for all manner of bad behavior.
Robert E. Lee slept with Winston Churchill ? What the hell ?
Time to start the countdown to Howard Wolfson attacking Obama for not denouncing AND rejecting Robert E. Lee's victory at Fredericksburg...
we are all the gay adopted children of Adam and Steve anyway so to me this whole thing is foolish. FDR was MARRIED to his cousin and that didn't stop either of them from having sex with lots of ladies or creating a welfare state. hillary and barrie should just get it on, run a FreeLuv ticket and get this thing ova with.
Fur trading? That's low.
@SayItWithWookies: "McCain's ancestry was more difficult to trace because records on his relatives were not as complete as records for the families of Obama and Clinton, Child said."
His family has done a really good job covering up all the illegitimate black babies in their past.
Obama needs to recruit some crazy Jennifer Aniston fans (which is to say: all of them) stat!
"Blah Blah Hillary Bitch Cousin Of Angelina Bob Thornton Vial Of Blood Maneating Homewrecking Brother-Kissing Whooooore!!
He needs to tap into HIllary's last remaining support system: Bitter WASP princesses who watch reruns of "Friends" while eating tubs of pudding after their husbands leave them for a sexy golddigger.
It's like the entire universe has colluded to make it possible (and maybe even necessary) for Obama and Hillary to have aggressive, noisy grudge sex.
I would suggest taking the Bradjolina route, and make love in front of some free-roaming lions.
Getting hot (and ashamed) just thinking about it.
it fails to mention that they're all also related to potato-eating filth, john wayne gacy, Ernie the Pizza Hut night manager, and Hitler. Not to mention some 2 million Africans and maybe more than a few Vietnamese...
You can pick your friends. You can pick your racist pastor. You can pick your nose. But, you can't pick your family.
Thank God my folks have only been in America for 50 years. I'm not related to any of you assholes.
Just goes to show you America is basically a bunch of sister fucking rednecks.
Fuck, I'm ashamed to be related to half of my immediate family. I don't want to even consider the depressing possibilities this opens up.
Cousin Barry... But then again, everyone in the Western hemisphere is related to Lee, the test is whether they know how....
Maybe now, Obama can get another joke.
I always thought Dick Cheney was related to Xenu...
@AngryBlakGuy: I'm pretty sure that Dick Cheney is mostly related to turds.
Bad news is in about 50 years the whole world will be related to Michelle Bachmann.
@TheRainWhisperer: Hot tears of shame?
@Btwbfdimho: Let the incest begin.
@DirkLeisure: What is the Senator hiding about his love for the Confed Victory at Chancellorsville?
@Publican: Or they're trespassing on his land since Arlington National Cemetary was the confiscated Lee estate.
Ninth cousins twice removed doesn't count for much. You can legally boff them, theoretically.
So Cousin Barry is now the Tiger Woods of politics. Or is Tiger Woods the Barry Obama of golf? Either way, they're both probably related to me to some degree, so I would like my rightful due of a night in the Lincoln Bedroom and a membership at Pebble Beach.
But are either of them related to me? Inquiring minds want to know.
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