Obama Secretly Related To Every U.S. President, And Brad Pitt

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This whole “Barack Obama is a fresh face to American political history” meme has finally been disproven as yet another dumb liberal myth. Researchers at the New England Historic Genealogical Society have discovered that, aside from Dick Cheney, Obama is related to six former presidents, a Tory, various Confederate racists, and Brad Pitt. It is not clear whether they are from his Kenyan side or his Muslim side. Hillary COINCIDENTALLY is related to Angelina Jolie, the pretty lady who adopts children with Brad Pitt. John McCain, meanwhile, is the son of the first dinosaur.

Hillary is also related to Alanis Morissette, Madonna and Celine Dion, whose families each immigrated to the New World to trap furs near the St. Lawrence River. If only they knew.

Other famous fur traders include writer Jack Kerouac, who is also related to Hillary Clinton.

John McCain’s sixth cousin is Laura Bush, so they’ve probably had sex at some point.

AND THEN WE COME TO BARACK OBAMA, the last scion of every political dynasty of Fat Cats and racist emperors since Ancient Mesopotamia:

Obama has a prolific presidential lineage that features Democrats and Republicans. His distant cousins include President George W. Bush and his father, George H.W. Bush, Gerald Ford, Lyndon Johnson, Harry S. Truman and James Madison. Other Obama cousins include Vice President Dick Cheney, British Prime Minister Sir Winston Churchill and Civil War General Robert E. Lee.

This is the worst human collective imaginable, and Barack Obama is married to every last one.

Obama Related to Pitt, Clinton to Jolie

About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

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