Now Everyone Can Torture Dogs Just Like Mitt Romney

 
 Mitt Romney's got a big problem! He squandered his family's wealth on a doomed campaign to be the liberal Mormon president, but he's got five hungry sons to feed and no identifiable source of income. What to do? In trying times, experts say it's best to find something you really enjoy, and then think of a way to turn that into a career. Trouble is, Mitt only loves counting money and torturing dogs while driving his car.

Sounds pretty hopeless, but according to the new theory of Microtrends, there are so many billions of people on this planet that there's probably at least a million people who get off on the same sick stuff you enjoy -- what else could explain Alien-Human Porn? 

So Mitt Romney has invented a magical sack that lets you torture your dog on long drives just like Mitt used to torture his poor dog. Long ago when Mitt was trying to convince Americans of his great ability to be cool in a crisis, the Boston Globe shared his proudest moment: Forcing the family dog into a cage on the roof of his station wagon and then driving for an entire day while the poor creature shivered and gushed diarrhea all over the windows, and when Cruel Mitt would finally stop for gas, he'd hose the shit off the beast and keep on driving.

 Dog Rides Comfortably in Sack on Running Board [Modern Mechanix]