“Finland” is a magical place where you get charged $103,000 for speeding, everyone looks like an orange muppet, and people send each other dirty text messages in Finnish all day long on their Nokia phones, which are issued to them by the State when they lose their virginity at age 5. In this sense, Foreign Minister Ilkka Kanerva is just an ordinary Finn! But in other ways he is even more hilarious.
The 60-year-old politician sent text messages to an exotic dancer named Johanna Tukiainen (and her sister, maybe) and nobody cared because he is a harmless old man, but now his story takes on New and Special Significance because he is just like Eliot Spitzer! Except instead of holding terrible press conferences where he humiliates his wife and talks about how ashamed he is, he says things like this: “Messages have been sent, but not in the sense of any deep drama of human relationships.”
(Also he violated the Public Trust by sending his erotic tappings over a TAXPAYER-FUNDED PHONE, which probaby cost the proud Finnish nation the equivalent of a pint of vodka.)
Kanerva has a long and wondrous personal history of sending dirty texts to ladies, including a former nude model named Marika Fingerroos. He has also been accused of getting fresh or handsy with various women over the years. One woman, a painter, told reporters: “Once he came to meet me unexpectedly in Tampere and tried to kiss me against my will. I tolerated the stupid harassment, hoping that I might get some paintings sold.” She did not, alas.
Wonkette nominates Ilkka Kanerva to be the next Governor of New York.