Wonkette
Today Eliot Spitzer ends the nation's agony by quitting the New York governorship, which we all knew he was going to do. Stay with us as we write through all 30 seconds of his sad quitter speech!
11:29 AM — The CNN skycam shows a horrible Governor-generated traffic jam. Black limos (or maybe HEARSES???) stacked up around the block. Let's go to FOX and see what they're saying about the crazy Manhattan hedonists. Yes, they are bitching about how long it takes to drive two miles. "It's got to be agony for the Governor and his wife to be crawling through midtown traffic as they are right now."
11:33 AM — Ouch, they are calling him an egomaniac. And arrogant. Ha, and basically a POPINJAY, using his position as State Attorney General to draw attention to him him him. Good Christ this fucking hearse is never going to get to the office. Meanwhile, the press commentariat dances on poor Eliot Spitzer's whore-filled grave. It is a Shakespearean grave, abrim with ladies of the night, and $80,000, and hypocrisy. And Yorick.
11: 43 AM — Ooh people are walking in! And now here comes Spitzer!
11:44 AM — Poor Silda. She looks like she hasn't slept in a week. Gov is sorry, and atones.
11:44 AM — I have accomplished a great deal, such as that driver's license thing that almost derailed Hillary Clinton's presidential bid.
11:45 AM — He is quitting on Monday, as promised. "Our greatest glory consists not in falling, but in rising every time we fall." This is some sort of sexual reference, we believe.
11:46 AM — He thanks the public for the privilege of service. AND exeunt omnes, followed by bear.
11:47 AM — If he is always this fast a finisher, then he was paying his ladies the equivalent of $1 billion per hour.
Comments
Wait. Every other politician that has recently and clearly been involved in illicit sex has NOT resigned, or at least obfuscated for weeks, so by Spitzer resigning is this somer strange opposite-world way of demonstrating his innocence? Or is the not-resigning thing something that only Republicans do? Or Tralfamadorians? Or hooker-sexers?
Now I've gone and gotten myself upset again.
Let's see what the critics thought of Mr. Spitzer's speech:
+ Watch video
My fellow New Yorkers: I'd like you to think of me as you do Prince Edward, abdicating the throne... but for one night with a hooker rather than marriage to an American divorcee.
His statement will last about 30 seconds. How much would that be on Kristen's clock?
How many whore diamonds are on his lapel?
@Cookie Guggleman: Her WHAT? You mean she a... oh, wait, CLOCK. Nevermind.
Eliot Spitzer: "rising every time we fall".
@Serolf Divad: Yeah, but how many whore diamonds would Wallis Simpson rate?
The more closeups I see, the more the artificially high dollar figure becomes justified.
But do you know what I really need right now? About 409 more Spitzer posts.
I predict another good day for the Dow.
@Serolf Divad: King Edward VIII. At least he was when he abdicated.
Can you get a closeup of his flag pin? It wasn't the standard one. Ha, ha. The light caught it and for a moment, it shone like a diamond.
Whatever, Eliot.
I am so SICK of men.
(Looks like Silda is too.)
Damn!
Better than the first one, but that's not saying much.
He says he wants to continue to "serve the common good." Does that mean he will start using common streetwalkers instead of the 5 diamond whores?
I want to so comfort the soon to be ex-GWILF Silda the good witch
As VIP Emperor of the Empire State, he's retiring to spend more time with Kristen.
He should totally take this to the extreme and get his own reality show on Spike TV. This is America dude, milk it.
Retiring to spend more time with his family as opposed to sneaking away from them under the cover of night to liaise with high-end hook hooks.
@mrveryhard: I know exactly what you mean.
"followed by bear"? "A Winter's Tale" reference? Someone is showing off her fancy-pants Harvard education.
@Speed Ball: Yeah, I share your mystification. Why isn't anyone clamoring for David Vitter's head on a plate?
I think the only difference is that Vitter, as a Southern Republican, had the political establishment behind him - whereas Spitzer has pissed off all and sundry, and has no allies at all.
What's he apologizing about? For a brief, shining moment he took our attention away from this godawful presidential campaign.
Come on, admit it, you were disappointed. You wanted Spitzer to rip his shirt off and then for Silda to whip him bloody with a cat o'nine tails.
Be careful. With ears like that he can hear everything we're saying!
Best live-blog EVAR. Brava.
"the press commentariat dances on poor Eliot Spitzer's whore-filled grave"
Sara, I'm smitten. A five diamond turn of phrase.
Shine on, you crazy diamond.
As a non-penis owner, I don't understand why diddling hookers is worth the risk of losing everything!
Please explain in that special Wonkette way.
"Our greatest glory consists not in falling, but in rising every time we fall." Is that what he tells his "dates"?
@DemmeFatale: It's the journey, not the destination.
"I am resigning to become host of that new hit variety show, The Best Damn Whore Show, Period!
DemmeFatale,
Well, basically a woman want all their every need/desire satisfied by one man. A man want every women to satisfy his one need.
It's sort of like one of those African safaris where you pay big bucks to shoot a lion chained to a tree.
Other than looking a little tired (no doubt from beating Eliot about the head and shoiulders) Silda looks pretty hot.
I think Little E proibably got his last piece of ANY kind of pussy for quite a while.
@DemmeFatale:
It's a penis thing. You wouldn't understand.
Anyone wanna guess how many celebratory cocktails Grasso had last night?
I thought the fun part of having power and money was not having to pay cash upfront for that hot piece of tail?
And, by Allah, if I were President of the United States, I could do better than Monica.
What up with Silda's flight attendant outfit? Has she already lowered herself to some kinda kinky role playing kinda whore game? Free advice Sildster: even the stewardesses on Southwest wear makeup.
What's next for Eliot?
[i258.photobucket.com]
@Speed Ball: Not every other pol recently caught was potentially facing federal racketeering charges for it though...
@Serolf Divad:
and with less fond thoughts toward the Nazis and all.
So we'll have a black, blind gov now... At least David Letterman will still have material for his writers.
Too bad it didn't end by Silda shoving a Taser up his ass.
Hey Elliot, Spitzer or swallows?
"I resign so I can spend more time against the Wall".
I think this needs to be brought to peoples attention. In England we do sex scandals a little differently. This is not for the faint hearted. The "sex act" was "too disgusting to be printed in a family newspaper" but various websites claimed that Mark "coprophilia" Oaten paid two rent boys to defecate on his chest.
[www.pinknews.co.uk]
His explanation- going bald!?
Interestingly, he is still an MP
marchitzer.
marchooker
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