Today Eliot Spitzer ends the nation’s agony by quitting the New York governorship, which we all knew he was going to do. Stay with us as we write through all 30 seconds of his sad quitter speech!
11:29 AM — The CNN skycam shows a horrible Governor-generated traffic jam. Black limos (or maybe HEARSES???) stacked up around the block. Let’s go to FOX and see what they’re saying about the crazy Manhattan hedonists. Yes, they are bitching about how long it takes to drive two miles. “It’s got to be agony for the Governor and his wife to be crawling through midtown traffic as they are right now.”
11:33 AM — Ouch, they are calling him an egomaniac. And arrogant. Ha, and basically a POPINJAY, using his position as State Attorney General to draw attention to him him him. Good Christ this fucking hearse is never going to get to the office. Meanwhile, the press commentariat dances on poor Eliot Spitzer’s whore-filled grave. It is a Shakespearean grave, abrim with ladies of the night, and $80,000, and hypocrisy. And Yorick.
11: 43 AM — Ooh people are walking in! And now here comes Spitzer!
11:44 AM — Poor Silda. She looks like she hasn’t slept in a week. Gov is sorry, and atones.
11:44 AM — I have accomplished a great deal, such as that driver’s license thing that almost derailed Hillary Clinton’s presidential bid.
11:45 AM — He is quitting on Monday, as promised. “Our greatest glory consists not in falling, but in rising every time we fall.” This is some sort of sexual reference, we believe.
11:46 AM — He thanks the public for the privilege of service. AND exeunt omnes, followed by bear.
11:47 AM — If he is always this fast a finisher, then he was paying his ladies the equivalent of $1 billion per hour.