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Would you like a Cleveland Steamer, my darling?The grand mystery of Eliot Spitzer’s comically hypocritical whoring is what exactly was being discussed when classy hooker “Kristen” was told by her madam that Spitzer “would ask you to do things that, like, you might not think were safe ….” Although we remain hopeful that it was something really weird and dangerous, possibly involving a trapeze and a velvet hovercraft, the consensus seems to be “He didn’t want to wear a condom.” But why are they speaking to each other in such stilted circumlocutions? We could make up a whole list of similarly pointlessly roundabout talk at the super-premium Brothel of Ambiguity. Let’s do it!

  • “Let’s just say this man might want to do something to you that you probably wouldn’t want your mother to watch.”

  • “Leave it at this: When he says he wants to go to bed, he might not be sleepy.”
  • “There’s a chance Mr. Client 9 may wish to do with you what he long ago presumably did with his wife, which resulted in the birth of children.”
  • “Mr. Spitzer is a very cunning linguist, Miss Moneypenny.”
  • “He’s going to make you lure some unsuspecting lout up to the expensive hotel room with promises of free sex, and then you will convince said lout to let him let you tie him up, so he can get his ‘surprise,’ and then Eliot Spitzer is going to jump out of the closet, in a Batman costume, and rape the guy, in the anus.”
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