Chuck Norris Is Your New Godhead

 

Bow down before the one you serveAs they enter year six of John McCain’s thousand-year battle for Mesopotamia, American and Iraqi troops have wearied of worshiping the same old “Jesus” and “Allah.” They’re in the mood for something new…different…mustachioed! And fortunately, one cult figure is fresh off the Biggest Republican Loser campaign trail and ready for duty.

Onetime presidential candidate Mike Huckabee delivered on his hard-earned evangelical credentials when he exported his cult of Chuck Norris to vulnerable overseas troops. Our brave young men and women, seeking solace in the hellish Crescent of Doom, now erect weird cardboard shrines to the action figure and chant paeans to his name.

“The fastest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’s fist,” reads one message at the shrine, which consists of a signed photo of the actor surrounded by similar statements.

“Chuck Norris puts the laughter in manslaughter,” reads one and “Chuck Norris divides by zero,” reads another.

Known as Chuck Norris “facts,” the claims have already become an Internet phenomenon, and scores are featured on www.chucknorrisfacts.com …

 
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Some 20 U.S. military personnel and support staff spoken to by Reuters could recite at least one Norris “fact,” despite many having not visited the Web site.

Norris has made several trips overseas to check on the progress of his nascent cult and to extract pledges of fealty from his followers. One glassy-eyed indoctrinee said, “I’ve seen his videos, he’s a hero. He saves the city, he protects women and children and he fights crime wherever it is. We should all be like Chuck Norris.”

‘Chuck Norris is the only WMD in Iraq’ [Reuters]

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About the author

Sara K. Smith was Wonkette's morning editor from 2008 to 2010, and now contributes a weekly (?!) column to Wonkette, to prove she still loves you all!

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