A Condoleezza road show is so much fun! Our Condi bounced from Egypt to Ramallah to Tel Aviv to Brussels, enjoying several perfect photo-ops along the way. The only problem was that outside the photo-ops, it was one of the most incriminating Condiweeks EVER, brimming with embarrassments, snubs, that Gaza Strip thing, and OMG, Glenn Kessler! So mean! Let’s all pile on with Glenn after the jump!
It was supposed to be so low-key! Condi’s plan was to swing into Turkey for just a chat, but over the weekend the Gaza Strip just went totally all bonkers, so that’s all anybody wanted to talk about. And, I mean, how many different ways can she come up with to state her official policy, which is that there will be peace once everybody stops fighting? Why is that so hard to implement? I thought Condi had gotten that all sorted out in Annapolis.
But things were just about to get worse! Because just as all this cutesy matching armchairs stuff was going on in Cairo, the Condi-hating demons at Vanity Fair were dropping a bombshell of an article about how George ‘n Condi had basically just totally, totally messed up with the Palestinians.
It turns out they tried to game the whole thing and then it blew up and Hamas won! Whoopsie! And where was Condi when she found out about the Vanity Fair piece? Why, she was giving a press conference and being surprised with it by Washington Post meanypants Glenn Kessler! You know, all like, “Madame Secretary, one tiny little question: have you seen this TOTALLY EMBARRASSING AND INCRIMINATING NEW ARTICLE? BWA HA HA HA!” And then Kessler practically bragged about it later! Here’s what that exchange looked like (All large photos Associated Press):
Condi got all Klingony with her forehead and responded that she thought the actions described in the VF article were “ludicrous”, and you know what? Reading through the article, I’d have to agree! The greatest thing is that she then boarded her plane… with Glenn Kessler… and probably had to put up with his snickering all the way to Tel Aviv.
But Glenn wasn’t through with Condi yet, oh, no! He then looked around and presumably thought, Hey! Where did everybody go? And then he counted on all his fingers, and all his toes, and revealed that it turns out the press was bored with Condi and so there was a lot more room on the plane:
Rice used to set aside an evening on just about every long trip to have an off-the-record meal with reporters. Many found the sessions provided an interesting insight into her thinking that helped inform their articles and reports. But the dinners are no more.
Well, duh! Why would Condi keep throwing you dinner parties after you keep writing such mean things about her? Glenn Kessler: The One Who Wouldn’t Leave. Why wasn’t his Condiography this bitchy?
OK, back down on the ground in Tel Aviv, Dr. Ferragamo met with Ehud Olmert. There, Olmert turned the concept of the photo-op into a meta-licious event by presenting Condi with a framed reproduction of a previous photo-op:
Whoah, trippy! Can you spot the differences? The next day, Wednesday, Condi went to meet her lesbian lover Tzipi Livni in Jerusalem. What, you didn’t know about the two of them? It’s true! I read it in an unbiased Iranian newspaper! C’mon, look at those pantsuits! You know it’s true. Maybe they’re on the outs, though? Because Tzipi didn’t seem to be following Condi’s patented “If you stop fighting, there will be peace” strategy. Oh, Tzipi, Tzipi, Tzipi. Where did it all go wrong?
The next day was Thursday so it was time for Condi to beat a retreat to comfy Brussels, site of the latest NATOstravaganza. They did the funniest thing: They had a special conference for the gals called “Women Stabilizing an Insecure World,” and despite that title, they invited Condi! “I apologize for being late and leaving early,” Condi said in a moment of rare symbolic candor. “Women are particularly impacted by consequences arising from a state’s inability to govern,” she continued, perhaps alluding to her own role in “helping” the women of Iraq. That’s our Condi! Always so modest!
That fun girl meeting should have been the nice way for Condi to end her week, but not with Philip Shenon around! On Friday, Condi awoke to find that Shenon had published another excerpt from his book on the 9/11 Commission, cleverly titled The Commission, in the Sydney Morning Herald. I thought that thing was out already, but it turns out you can finally buy it tomorrow! The title of the excerpt, “They knew, but did nothing” is kind of a giveaway: “They” refers to Condi, George and pals; “knew” refers to them having just oodles of warnings about Bin Laden planning bad things; “did nothing” refers to how they responded to Richard Clarke’s stacks and stacks of warnings. Hey, Condi was busy with other things, OK? Plus, the warnings were vague: “Bin Laden planning high-profile attacks,” etc. That could have meant anything!
Alas, it seems that the Condibot’s Teflon™ coating has been thoroughly scratched up by the metal spatula of world events. “She’s running out of time to prove her critics wrong,” David Ignatius sniffed from the Rice-hating pages of the Washington Post on Saturday. Running out of time? Mr. Ignatius! There’s, like, fully nine months left in 2008! I have confidence in Condi! I believe that if she were to just split up the time remaining to her in office — three months to solve the Mideast troubles, three months to fix Iraq, three months to get elected as McCain’s vice presidential candidate — she’ll show those critics a thing or two! Full speed ahead, girl, you’ve got a legacy to clinch!
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