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DEMOCRATS  2:46 pm March 6, 2008

Meet Your New Democratic President, Thomas Boyle!

by Jim Newell

On February 29, the race for the Democratic nomination got an awful lot easier: Thomas Boyle, uncle of Lara Flynn Boyle, finally announced his run for president. It is not clear whether this man is a real human, or if this is a joke that sneaked its way onto the wire services. But here’s your first taste of the next frontrunner: “Mr. Boyle, the former U.S. House of Representatives Page, Real Estate broker, and music composer is quoted, ‘On this special day, Leap Year Day, and the birthday of that other great American, Superman, I am throwing my hat in the race for the White House.’” There is so, so much more about this former page.

This metaphor is somehow better than “change you can Xerox”, and we hope it becomes a months-long extended metaphor:

“I urge all Americans to join my FINE TUNE AMERICA CAMPAIGN and put a musician in the White House. If you want to have harmony in America, you need somebody in there who can carry a tune. We do not need drastic changes, we are just slightly out of tune, with ourselves and the times.”

And here’s how Boyle responds to Hillary’s three a.m. terrorist ad:

Democratic Presidential candidate Thomas Boyle observed, “President Boyle would be well suited to handle an a.m. crisis phone call. I have had practice. It is usually my neighbor calling, ‘Come get your dog and bring your scooper with you’. I apologize for my dog’s behavior and start whistling ‘TIPTOE THROUGH THE TULIPS’. So far, there have been no gun shots fired.

Truly, he is the next Barack Kennedy:

Mr. Boyle wistfully recalled, “When I was younger, I used to dog-sit for the late President Kennedy’s standard, white, poodle, Charlie, while his widow Jacqueline went to her farm in New Jersey.”

There is absolutely no reason not to vote for this man.

Boyle In White House Race [PR Newswire]
Boyle Answers 3 a.m. Phone Call Ad With Plan for Two Nationwide Security Systems [PR Newswire]
[PresidentBoyle.com]

Hola wonkerados.

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