We write to you from the bar upstairs at the Stephen F. Austin hotel, which is HOPPING. Very serious young people in navy blazers gather in one corner watching a wide-screen TV with local returns. OK, the blazers only number 1 or 2, and the wearers look young in the sense of “under 40, maybe”, but we are going for ATMOSPHERE here. We are nursing a $9 Maker’s and ginger ale and listening to people discuss the race in the 10th Congressional District, in which a savvy handsome young International Expert named Dan Grant locked horns with a silly old teevee judge from Houston.
10:37 PM — Austin Chronicle writer Wells Dunbar sits to our left. He will probably hit the Hillary shenanigans later.
10:43 PM — Annnnd he leaves. So long, friend!
10:58 PM — Oh look here is a picture of Dan Grant:
10:59 PM — Suddenly this whole area has emptied out. Apparently folks are out on the veranda, screaming wildly for HRC who has just won Ohio. Our drink is gone. Here is another. It is a Sam Adams, because they are cheaper.
11:01 PM — We are informed that pinkeye is transmitted by fecal matter. Now we are looking at the live NEWS 8 AUSTIN, which reports to us from Hillary Clinton’s crazy party headquarters in South Austin. It looks like a sad ghost town, so of course she will win Texas in a landslide. REMEMBER NEW HAMPSHIRE, PEOPLE.
11:02 PM — Grant’s campaign manager joins us, strung out on cigarettes and Pacificos. He just got a haircut for the first time in about 8 years. Here he is, ladies! And he’s single.
11:06 PM — It is generally agreed that no matter what happens in this Grant vs. Doherty race, Grant will be able to sleep late tomorrow, and that is a good thing. Are there more drinks in front of us?
11:11 PM — Apparently Chris Matthews just said “Most Democrats are white people.”
11:13 PM — Our pal from the photo is looking for a ride home. She doesn’t care who drives, as long as she doesn’t get the ticket. Any takers?
11:15 PM — People are rocking out with their caucuses out, all across Texas. Also, the mayor of Austin’s guy, Matt somebody?, is here, and he is laughing and scratching with Dan Grant. And by that we mean, talking soberly in a reflective and thoughtful manner.
11:18 PM — Oh look it is Hillary Clinton, speaking silently in a hot pink suit! We can hear nothing, because the sound is turned down, and it is sort of nice. Let’s see if our guess about what she is saying is anything like what she is actually saying. “Greetings, America! I am in Pennsylvania, ready to campaign for another thousand years!”
11:20 PM — I am guesturing widely, to encompass you all in my hot pink embrace! But avast, there are challenges ahead. This is the serious part of my speech.
11:21 PM — We have to eat a quesadilla now. BRB!
11:23 PM — Fuck, how do you spell that word? You know, the cheese thing. To answer your pressing questions, commenters, we are here to support the goddamned Candidate, not to drink beers with a bunch of undergrads at Lovejoy’s or whatever. Plus, the free wireless!
11:24 PM — The AP has just called the 10th for Judge Larry Joe Doherty. Well, shit. Now we can all drink! (More!) Back to Hillary. Rumor has it that on other screens she is wearing red. Mysterious! Clinton is a CHAMELEON.
11:28 PM — Someone just gave a shoutout to Andy Brown, Travis County Democratic Party chair maybe? We aren’t looking at the returns because we are too busy looking at this goddamn computer, and our beer. Is anybody reading this? Oh hell. Wynn’s man is looking around sadly. Oh the screen, Hillary is talking still. Where is the Candidate? Where is the Candidate’s campaign manager? Our friend just went to the ladies’ room. She reports that there is a spin class instructor here. We want to go home.