Oh, walnuts ...Here he is finally, after 172 years of campaigning. His still kind-of-hot latest wife Cindy is there, her jaws tight because of the speed, and his children, his many children. His tie is going CRAZY on the teevee. It is a torture-dope-mushroom necktie! What is happening? MSNBC just zoomed in so we don’t have to see the Maverick Tie, which is coming alive.

9:51 PM — “I don’t believe anyone is predestined to lead America.” Really? You don’t think certain babies are born to be the President?
9:52 PM — Here comes the “greater than myself” and “last best hope” bullshit tropes.
9:52 PM — “False promises, empty sound bites,” etc., Barack is a person who is young and says things!
9:53 PM — Ha ha, McCain said “modernity.”
9:54 PM — He will stand up for the Iraq Occupation, because everybody loves it.
9:56 PM — Oh man, McCain just looked totally surprised and confused when his supporters laughed at one of his lines, which was written to be kind of funny.
9:57 PM — McCain will give us all health care! And somehow we will get the world’s best health care, maybe from some other country?
9:57 PM — He will have an energy policy which will be based on using the fossil fuels created by his own ancient bones.
9:58 PM — My friends, he is coughing. He might just die right there.
10:00 PM — “We don’t hide from history, we make history.” Maybe “we are history” would work a bit better right there.
10:01 PM — Oh dear fucking christ he is totally trying to take “hope.” U CAN’T HAS HOPE, IZ TOO OLDE.

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