Wonkette
Everybody knows the three rules of real estate: Location, Refinance, Foreclosure. But our best vice president ever, Dick Cheney, is focused on the first part of that maxim by building his "retirement" house literally across the street from CIA headquarters in McLean, Virginia.
We've had a memorable seven years of Life With Cheney at the Naval Observatory lair, where he and Lynne are the current supervillains in residence. Where might they settle once Vice President Hillary comes a knockin' next January? Where might they continue their weird, terrible lives of document shredding and ritual animal sacrifice?
According to shadowy intelligence site Cryptome and the less-shadowy Fairfax County Land Use Plan Details website, Dick and Lynne are building their nightmare dream home on a quiet, expensive McLean road that's literally about 2,000 feet away from the Central Intelligence Agency HQ in the Langley woods.
The house and land itself seem utterly unremarkable and quite unfit for Dr. Evil: The property is just under an acre in size and the house will sit pretty close to the neighbors — it appears to be the standard Northern Virginia "custom home" McMansion, with a finished basement most likely outfitted with a human-sized incinerator.
But its proximity to the Spook Capital of America makes it far more interesting as well as incredibly appropriate for the most secretive powerful vice president in history. It also suggests Cheney may pull a Putin when he "leaves office" just 10 months from now, and continue his global reign of terror from the executive suites of the CIA headquarters.
Sure, he could drive the full one-mile route around the Langley woods and up the long, secure drive. But why bother with the car when he could simply put on his hunting cap, grab the shotgun and stomp through the park, killing any woodland creature in his path? Just 2,000 feet from his front door, he would be at work, his diseased cyborg-pig heart invigorated from the brief exercise, his desk covered with neatly stacked files of all the people to spy upon and democratic governments to overturn. He could even try his hand at assassinating Fidel Castro!
Comments
It's easier to repel angry mobs that way.
You're forgetting that our Vice-President-for-Life only hunts out of vehicles. And then only animals that are tied down, sick or wounded. I don't know which Harry Whittington was, but I guarantee he was one of those.
The residence will feature a water-boardin' room and an escape tunnel to the CIA heli-pad.
It's much less than 2,000 feet when you go into the private study, pull out a hard cover first edition of "The Clansman", step into the secret elevator (after the retina scan), enter the dungeon (complete with tools dating to the Inquisition), and take the moving sidewalk to CIA HQ.
Is "retirement house" some kind of neocon doublespeak for "maximum security black-site undisclosed location with hundreds of miles of underground tunnels where Cheney entertains fellow war criminals with crazy orgies like that weird party in Eyes Wide Shut, but only this time it's an all-gay affair"?
That's also right next to Ft. Marcy Park, lots of good hunting there... most dangerous game...
What size safes? Man? Woman? Horse?
Did you factor the cost of the 2000 ft tunnel into the cost of this teeny McMansion? That, and the battery-powered golf cart to get our favorite dark lord back and forth to HQ would add some to the price.
It's where Uncle Dickie plays his games
@Destonio: Sorry Destonio, but truth is always scarier than fiction.
@TJBeck: He will probably have all three, and all shall be his sex-slaves.
You have to have room for shackles... Rummy loves shackles.
Welcome to...Dragonprycke.
That's nothing. Dick Cheney's consciousness will merge with DOD computer networks by 2010 at the latest. He's already more machine than man.
@Gopherit: That is my favorite photograph of ever, and you deserve some kind of Freedom Medal bullshit for putting it front of our eyes once again. Maybe I'll give you the Fanta that I was awarded earlier today. Or you can have the McCain dry-rub if you prefer, though I was looking forward to it myself.
@el topo:TY. I try. Keep your Fanta and dry rub. They were hard won.
I hate the man, but I can't deny that he swings some serious pipe. I just want to know if it's the hot dog vendor turning him on, or if there are pitbulls playing tug-of-war with a baby harp seal just out of frame.
@Gopherit: I clicked on that picture. It took me a minute for my brain to process what my eyes were seeing. And then I wept.
America finally gets its own Chunnel
@Gopherit: "I hate the man, but I can't deny that he swings some serious pipe."
I've never been entirely convinced that he didn't, in fact, extrude a poo-log in his drawers... but I guess you could call that "swingin' some pipe," if you are so inclined.
@el topo: I remember someone else thought it was a colostomy bag. It's just the wrong shape.
If it's a turd, though, Dick might consider adding some fiber to his diet. 5 pound poos just aren't good for you.
@Gopherit:
WHOA! And to think his wife is a DIRTY BOOK WRITER too!
[www.whitehouse.org]
So, why here, and not Dubai, where he could live openly as the Baron fat guy from Dune he wants to be?
@EnBuenOra: Easier access to cats to milk?
@Gopherit: Just how intimately familiar are you with the shape of colostomy bags?
I see a cross... but what will be on the other side?
I zee yu hef two photogrefs. Be azsured, yu vil hef no more...
Lookit, if Cheney says he's going to live there, you can guarantee the whole thing's a front. He certainly plans to remain in his undisclosed location, and to continue to rule the world through his network of moles in the CIA, KGB and Microsoft.
Check the furniture receipts. THE FURNITURE RECEIPTS, PEOPLE!!11!
When he leaves the Naval Observatory does he get to take the drapes?
So what happens to Cheney's Lair of Evil on the Eastern Shore? [cryptome.org]
Did you expect him to move to Oklahoma accross from Halliburton? To Iraq across from the Golden Palace? To an undisclosed location?
Is Cheney seriously going to have a job in the federal government next year?
Well, where ELSE can he live and blame the agonized shrieking of cattle-prodded guests on the neighbors.
But not "torture". Never "torture". Because we're Americans.
So, he is ready to face things that go bump in the night?
Sooo, that bastard will be meddling in things that matter for the rest of his [hope its short] life.
Sometimes cutting the head off of a snake just won't kill it.
I feel sorry for the first kid who rides his bicycle across Mr. Vaders lawn!
There's no master bedroom, just a cross bar he can hang upside down, blood dripping from his teeth.
Likely choose the place because he doesn't want to be at risk of extraordinary rendition by foreign governments contemplating war crimes trials....
He'll look good there lurking about in the bushes.
Why do these "anti-government" assholes find it so hard to leave the D.C. area once their careers are done? You would think they would love to head back to the ranch...
@pantspantspants: With spangles.
@DryFact: Yes. The RNC Waffen SS.
All the better for Dark Wing to feed on/misinterpret raw intelligence briefings.
...and an upstairs/downstairs defibrillator comes standard I presume?
So, McCain promised him the Directorship?
Rather than the Cheney's dream crypt, isn't what you're showing us the exterior shot of Buffalo Bill's house in Silence of the Lambs?
@Destonio: Thanks again for another classic.
Yeah, you'd think ol' Dick would wanna be closer to the trial venue, say, in The Hague?
Incidentally, the inscription in the entrance of his trusted neighbor, the CIA, is """And ye shall know the truth and the truth shall make you free.""
Try reading that by spelling "know" backwards.
[www.fas.org]
@Darehead: Excellent.
Talking about inscriptions: Pigheart has "Hate" and "Hate" tattooed on his knuckles.
@Gopherit:
@Darehead:
YOW!
Wedged between a very traditional Georgian with car portico and what looks to be the Langley compound of some ex-mob enforcer with blue mansard roof and a massive pool house in the backyard...I expect his place to have the outward appearance of normality but be the equivalent of a Titan ICBM silo, w/r/t security
Ugh...
Redo...
Wedged between a very traditional Georgian with car portico and what looks to be the Langley compound of some ex-mob enforcer with blue mansard ......I expect his place to have the outward appearance of normality but be the equivalent of a Titan ICBM silo, w/r/t security...
@Destonio: Thanks for the dick pic. Why does it hang to the left?
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