Wonkette

Did you know that Americans aren’t the only ones to have elections? That’s right, the Foreigns do as well! Also, did you know that while American elections drag on for months and years like some grisly cavalcade of damned souls, many Foreign election campaigns are literally required by law to last only a couple of months? I know, it makes those crazy foreign lands sound like a wonderful paradise, if you can get past the cholera and the hairy armpits on the ladies! This week, take a look at some upcoming elections that will be long forgotten while our ass clowns are still jabbering away on the TV.

SPAIN: Like America’s 2008, but much much shorter

You might think of Spain as “Europe’s Mexico,” but it turns out Albania has that job wrapped up. No, Spain is actually Europe’s America, if the ongoing election season is any indication!

The left- and right-wing candidates went on the teevee for a debate! They argued about the doomed economy, and all those illegal immigrants flowing in from the south, and accused each other of being Soft On Terror.

Then the local religious types weighed in, nudging everyone towards the right-wing types. There was even a YouTube debate, where a dude wearing pearls and a dress talked about gay marriage! It’s all so familiar, it’s like you’re at home in Dubuque!

So what’s the difference? Well, they’re going to manage to wrap the whole fucking thing up in eight weeks. Eight weeks! Do you know how many Spanish elections you could fit into ours? 14! And they only had two debates, where we’re going to have, what, 40, 100? DO NUMBERS EVEN GO THAT HIGH. Kudos to you, Spain, for getting this over with quickly so you can go back to focusing on your flamenco and tapas-eating.

BHUTAN: Himalayan residents lose democracy virginity

The mountain nation of Bhutan, long an absolute monarchy, will be having its first ever election next month, and it’s totally adorable!

Since nobody ever voted there before, they had a “practice election” last year, just so the whole process wouldn’t freak everybody out. Everyone voted for political parties represented by different colors of thunder dragons, then chose randomly selected high school students as candidates. So cute!

Now they’re ready for the real thing, choosing between the People’s Democratic Party (PDP) and Druk Phuensum Tshogpa (DPT) based their various policy stances, whatever the hell those are. The PDP is trying out this “door-to-door campaigning” strategy they’ve heard so much about, though they emphasize that their party leader will not, in fact, be able to meet everyone personally. The DPT, meanwhile, says it won’t make false promises and urges the people not to vote for the party that bribes them. Oh, you just want to tousle their hair and pinch their little cheeks. Best of luck, noble Bhutanese! You probably won’t start hating yourselves for at least another few decades.

MALAYSIA: Opposition strives for less crushing failure than usual

A weakened prime minister heads into a March 8 election that could result in a humiliating defeat. Despite running on a wholly sensible platform of “security, peace, and prosperity for all,” incumbent Abdullah Badawi may soon face the ultimate crisis: winning fewer than two-thirds of the seats in the legislature!

Yes, Badawi’s party has been used to holding this supermajority, and the resulting right to change the constitution pretty much any time on a whim, for decades, and the opposition parties, united mainly by their desperate need to lose less than usual, have banded together in a pact to try to get over the one-third barrier.

They’re also planning crackpot schemes that would obviously never fly in American politics, like giving out $1,860 to every family and setting up lonely spinsters with attractive eligible bachelors. Badawi is so desperate to keep his winning streak alive that he’s even trying being nice to minorities! If he can just hold on to that 2/3 majority, maybe he can pass a law making the opposition completely illegal or something so he won’t have this problem next time.