Next President Will Likely Be Member Of Leftist Cult

Unless Mike Huckabee gets the miracle he and his supporters have been praying for, one thing is certain: the next president will be a sitting senator. And, if current voting trends continue to favor Barack Obama, one other thing is certain: the next president will be part of a small, elite, and decadent club of weirdos who can't use regular scissors.

We refer, of course, to left-handed people.

Both Barack Hussein Obama and elderly war hero John McCain are left-handed, and as such are members of America's last openly discriminated-against minorities. Hillary Clinton is right-handed, and thus doomed never to be president: a strange and disproportionate percentage of recent presidents have been southpaws, including her husband, George H.W. Bush, and Ronald Reagan.

America may wake up on January 21, 2009 to discover their doorknobs moved, can openers oriented upside down, and many other sorts of gruesome horrors perpetrated to accommodate our devil-handed next president.

 Morning File: Another left-handed president? It's looking that way [Pittsburgh Post-Gazette]