Cartoon Violence Knows What's Really Going On

Each week, the Comics Curmudgeon helps explain Today's Cartoons. 

Oh boy oh boy ohboy!With a mere 97 months or whatever until the election, the negative attacks are beginning in earnest! For instance, you may have heard that Obama is a dirty plagiarist, and that McCain has sexy sex with sexy lobbyists, and that Hillary eats Christian babies! That's all true, but how can you tell when the negative stories you read about the candidates are actually totally false bogus lies? Fortunately, we here at Cartoon Violence are here to separate the truth from the fiction -- at least, when the fiction is in political cartoon form.

 
 The charge: The Obama campaign is really an elaborate scheme to organize large bands of muggers. Watch your wallets, whitey!

The truth: Once again, the black man is being unfairly profiled. Sure, the Obama campaign may have held up a few people at gunpoint and stolen their money to buy crack; but what about the way Hillary's been raiding her campaign staff's pension fund for months? Or the fact that McCain campaign lobbyist girlfriends have been helping him with his insider trading deals? And let's not even talk about the elaborate meth lab/identity theft operation Mike Huckabee has been running out of the ramshackle Arkansas trailer park he owns through a front. It's a racist double-standard!

 
 The charge: Having angered the mud-spirits with her poor campaign strategy, Hillary Clinton will soon be swallowed up by the very Earth itself.

The truth: Hillary isherselfa mud-being, formed out of clay and brought to life when the Hebrewemetwas written on her forehead by a sinister Democratic cabal during the Truman administration. Unfortunately, due to a miscalculation, her artificial lifespan, which was intended to last until 3008 to ensure a millennium of dominance over the United States and the world, is already beginning to grind to a halt. Soon there will be nothing left of her but the muck from which she came!

 
 The charge: Barack Obama likes to fuck donkeys.

The truth: "Fuck" is such an ugly word, implying mere physical pleasure taken for its own sake. As you can see if you look more closely at this cartoon, Barack Obama is proposing that he and the sweet, demure donkey be joined in holy matrimony. See the way he's courting her? It's positively gentlemanly! After the union is solemnized by a clergy authorized to perform legal marriages, they will, for the first time, retire to the bridal suite and thenmake love.And there's nothing you and your purse can do about it, Hillary!

 
 The charge: John McCain likes to fuck dead elephants.

The truth: John McCain is a man of unquestioned integrity, a war hero whose service we should all honor. He's worked tirelessly to oppose elephant necrophilia in the Senate even though this has brought him into conflict with his own party's base. So I'm shocked that you would even think of suggesting that he'd fuck a dead elephant. You don't know that the elephant in the cartoon is dead; maybe it's just resting, or sleeping, or maybe they're engaging in a totally consensual necrophilia fantasy scenario. And maybe he didn't even fuck it! Those flowers might just be a "sorry you got shot with an arrow" FTD bouquet. He never heard about any of his aides calling animal control to get the dead elephant away from him before he lost control and fucked it, and he doesn't believe it happened. This is just the sort of trash you'd expect from the bottom-feeding liberal media.

 
 The charge: Mike Huckabee's much-heralded weight loss was the result of a unhealthy binge-and-purge eating disorder.

The truth: Anyone who cheerfully admits to cooking a squirrel in a popcorn cooker can't possibly have the complex relationship with food that marks your average bulimic. The truth is, he lost all that weight the good old-fashioned way: a sensible diet, a regular exercise regimen, and massive amounts of crystal meth. The latter also explains why he insists on continuing his quixotic presidential run: He literally cannot stop moving forward in his quest for the highest office in the land, because if he does he'll be consumed by a terrible, terrible itching.

 
 The charge: If you want to have sex with John McCain, you're going to need plenty of Viagra.

The truth: This one is actually totally true.