Wonkette

AMERICA IS UNDER ATTACK, ABROAD: “Helicopters carrying three senior U.S. senators made emergency landings Thursday in the mountains of Afghanistan because of a snowstorm.” Good sweet Jesus Christ God, how is America going to survive — we lost Joe Biden, John Kerry and Chuck Hagel to the ancient snows of the barren hinterland and its devilish tundra camels. Fortunately, Barack Obama FLEW LIKE SUPERMAN to this valley of ice monsters, swooped the foppish Senators away and whisked them to safe harbor. Again: Barack Obama has saved three senators from Taliban Bigfoot. [AP/Breitbart]