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As you may have heard, the Pentagon’s space missile successfully hit that broken Satellite of Love last night, and now its poisonous death shrapnel (which has actually been deemed “unhazardous,” by liars) will come hurling into our atmosphere, killing us all. But there is one hope for us in this Armageddon scenario: the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA), the revered handymen most famous for getting New Orleans back on its feet within 24 hours of the initial Hurricane Katrina strike. Last week, America’s Most Effective Agency released its “First Responder Guide For Space Object Re-Entry,” i.e. “what to do if the poison satellite crashes next to you.” How will FEMA save the world this time?

FEMA knows the score. This spiraling poison juggernaut is the most lethal threat to humans since space aliens attacked Rudy Giuliani on September 11, 2001:


And when — because it undeniably will — this monster crashes in your bedroom, in what ways will its various toxins try to kill you?:


Gah! The vapors from this satellite are so evil that they will make the air explode. Indoors, outdoors, and even in the sewers.

Too many questions, too little time before the apocalypse! Here are the basics of what you need to know when you’re naively hiding from air explosions in the sewers:


Indeed, it is very important that you keep the “unauthorized personnel” away from your poison satellite debris, because they might worsen things beyond measure. For this reason, keep FEMA employees away. And of course, don’t breath the poison, because it too will explode.

But sometimes more than the air explodes, specifically if you keep various tanks and terrorist trailer loads in your backyard:


This is where we stop following, FEMA. How could a fiery tank in one’s backyard, filled with gas and bombs, be dangerous after getting struck by a toxic cancer satellite that causes air explosions?

This is not what we signed up for.

First Responder Guide For Space Object Re-Entry (PDF) [FEMA]

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