How Is Clinton Going To Pretend To Recover?

Three of Hillary Clinton's most diabolical advisers held a conference call today to lay out their plan for recovery. Its various steps do follow some rules of logic, only it's a logic that will never happen.

So what are the Six Evil Ploys of Mark Penn, Harold Ickes and Howard Wolfson, and why will each fail?

Six Evil Ploys courtesy of The Fix :

* "Neither candidate will emerge from the primary fight with the 2,025 delegates needed to clinch the nomination." OK, this is probably correct; if Hillary wins Ohio, Texas and Pennsylvania as she is planning on doing, the magic 2,025 number can only be reached via superdelegates.Problem: She will lose all of those states by a million points, and most uncommitted superdelegates will go to Obama.

* "Two Weeks is a Long Time in Political Terms." It is two weeks until the March 4 Texas and Ohio primaries, and during long periods of time, Hillary will supposedly become Jesus and everyone will vote for her.Problem: Another thing that happens over long periods of time is that more people switch to Barack Obama.

* "Debates Matter." Hillary is a slightly better debater, and when she brings up those health care mandates this time, it's going to do a real bang-up job on Barry!Problem: Barry is the frontrunner, and the debate will be boring, and boring debates support the frontrunner.

* "Obama is the frontrunner = more scrutiny." Well that speaks for itself.Problem: We already know he's black!

* "Sen. John McCain's (R-Ariz.) emergence means national security will be the key issue of 2008." Hillary's history of brilliant foreign policy votes will sit well with Democratic primary voters.Problem: Hillary's history of brilliant foreign policy votes will sit well with Democratic primary voters.

* "Big States Matter More." Whee! Hillary's proposed wins in Texas, Ohio and Pennsylvania are all delegate-rich, and that's why Wisconsin doesn't matter!Problem: When Obama wins these states, all of these delegates will go to him.

This isn't meant to hurt poor old Hillary's feelings, but time appears to be up, and the good state of New York could use its junior senator, and her 35 years of experience, back on the Chamber floor. Eventually, Barack will lose to McCain because of his AIDS, and he and Hillary can sip lemonade and look back on this primary fight, together, as losers, until the Democratic party stops competing forever.

 Clinton's Blueprint [The Fix]