To Win, John McCain Must Lose (His Soul)

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Half-man, half-bileShriveled homunculus and former Navy man John McCain has made himself into a political legend by always saying the wrong thing at the wrong time, in a way that amuses and delights the swarm of reporters who follow him constantly. In Iowa, McCain said “Meh” to ethanol, and it was awesome. In Michigan, he said, “Hey auto industry workers! Remember how you used to have jobs? Ha ha funny story…” and the people of Michigan appreciated finally being told the truth, which was that they were doomed to live in a series of ramshackle cardboard constructions along the Detriot Airport runway, all of them.

Now John McCain is being forced to temper his “straight talk” into something a little more … pussified. He doesn’t get to call Mike Huckabee an idiot or James Dobson a dope. Gary Bauer is now “a forceful, unapologetic advocate for the sanctity of life and traditional marriage” instead of “an asshole.”

This new conciliatory approach from the Senate’s former King of Spleen raises one simple question: will McCain’s newfound restraint be enough to get his former political adversaries to vote for him in November? And if it isn’t, how wonderfully obscene and hate-filled will his concession speech be?

McCain’s Delicate Diplomatic Mission [New York Observer]

About the author

Sara K. Smith was Wonkette's morning editor from 2008 to 2010, and now contributes a weekly (?!) column to Wonkette, to prove she still loves you all!

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