Blame George Washington For Everything

It is the Presidents Day Sale Day, of course, which is why you're not at work reading Wonkette. But experts say the federal holiday is actually to remember one of the first American presidents, George Washington. Let's remember the good times and the bad, like when his 300 African slaves tried to kill his wife.

Before America became a proud land of drooling illiterate halfwits (1981), all U.S. citizens knew the basic story of George Washington, who led the terrorist insurrection against the Tory Empire and eventually seized control of the United States just as modern-day terrorists hope to win the presidency in November. Back then, schoolchildren would learn a simple, romanticized biography of Washington, and later in life they might learn "an inconvenient truth" or two about the Father of Their Country. Did he really have a mouthful of demon amulet teeth plucked from Masonic goats? And what was wrong with his sperm? At the earliest Presidents Day Sales, this is the kind of hot gossip people would exchange.

But these days, nothing at all is known of Washington, so we can just present a random selection of obscure facts and call it his "official biography." Here is why you need to know about Him!

* Washington loved having all those enslaved blacks doing his labor. When he was first president in Philadelphia -- yes, Philadelphia had its own president back then -- Washington cleverly (and illegally) rotated his slaves back and forth to Virginia so they wouldn't stay in Philly long enough to win their freedom under Pennsylvania law.

* But at least two of his slaves escaped to "Philadelphia Freedom," which became a hit song for Elton John.

* Those two who ran to freedom were named Oney Judge and Hercules. 

* When he died, he willed that all of his slaves be released ... but not until his wife Martha alsodied. So the slaves obviously were going to kill her. Martha's gal pal Abigail Adams explained that Martha "did not feel as tho her Life was safe in their hands." Ha, because as soon as theymurdered her , they'd be free!

* So Martha let them go in 1801, more than a year after George died, and immediately after she figured out the slaves had nearly burned down the Mount Vernon mansion while she was locked inside.

* But she didn't free all the 316 slaves, because half of them "belonged" to her other dead husband, Daniel Parke Custis.

* She fucked Daniel enough to produce four children, but didn't have any kids by George, who was actually in love with another gal, Sally Fairfax.

* Also he was sterile from having the tuberculoses and the smallpox.

* Which is why the era's weird doctors made him swallow a lot of poisonous mercuric oxide, which made his teeth fall out.

* Which is why he wore painful dentures made of hinged hippo-and-elephant ivory plates and real true teeth from dead humans, pigs, horses and donkeys.

* As a result of the terrible pain in his mouth, he was an opium/laudanum addict his whole adult life.

* The Father of Our Country was utterly obsessed with cleaning toilets. 

* But what do Ron Paul's friends at the Ludwig Von Mises Institute have to say about President George Washington?

* "Generalissimo Washington: How He Crushed the Spirit of Liberty," of course!