Yay, Hillary Clinton is about to address the nation from her secret hideout in El Paso, Texas! Which massive constituency will she blame or dismiss for her latest loss? Kennel moms? Home security dads? Illegal Martians? Join us after the jump, as we eagerly await wisdom from the lips of America’s most experienced presidential candidate.
9:00 PM — She enters to U2 music, because that is what every politician uses. Oh look at the adorable little child in the spangled outfit. Is she a presidential candidate or a preschool dance teacher?
9:04 PM — While we’re vamping, let us just acknowledge what an honor it is to be the editor with boobs writing about the candidate with boobs. Clarification: the editor with the biggest boobs. Rumor has it that Layne’s rack is perky, but not more than a handful.
9:05 PM — Paul Begala wonders if Obama can not only take a punch, but throw a punch. This is part of the whole “but is he too much of a pussy?” meme, propagated again this weekend with the “but did he maybe not do enough drugs to be truly ‘legit’?” article in the New York Times.
9:09 PM — Anderson Cooper: “Those who support her seem to believe she is … for something.” And now she starts! How glorious it is to be a loser, in part of this extended family of El Paso, Texas!
9:11 PM — Lady, this is not the Oscars. WHY ARE YOU READING OFF A LIST OF NAMES?
9:12 PM — She can think of no greater place to start her Texas campaign than El Paso, because it may be one of the few cities she wins. Ugh, her suit is depressing. OH SHIT did she just — OK, George Bush is all hat and cattle. “We need a lot less hat and a lot more cattle.” The jokes write themselves.
9:14 PM — Is El Paso entirely populated with attractive women of marriagable age, or did they round up every one in the city and put them down in front of the stage? Now she is talking about the future. If we make the right decision in this election, everyone will enjoy the American dream, finally! And if we don’t, it is back to the uranium mines for all of us.
9:17 PM — Beer has been spilled at Wonkette HQ, and watching two dudes clean up a spilled bottle of Pacifico is more interesting than listening to this speech.
9:18 PM — Has she been in the Senate too long? What is this I BELIEVE THAT EVERYONE NEEDS A MINIMUM WAGE OF AT LEAST NINE DOLLARS AND FIFTY CENTS!!! Not that we hate the minimum wage, but the monotone.
9:19 PM — We are going to grow our own energy here in Texas! We can use the sun and the wind! Hillary? Texas has oil. Might that come in handy?
9:21 PM — Yay, global warming is a real problem! Lots of applause. The point of education is not test after test after test after test…can somebody spill another beer, please?
9:23 PM — Oh hey, is she going to talk about Barack Obama at some point? And what a loser she is? Maybe not. Wow, CNN is cutting away. So long, Hillary! You are boring!