How many times have CNN reporters announced the results before the polls closed? We’ve heard Suzanne Malveaux mention offhand — at 6:58 p.m. — that Hillary’s campaign was congratulating Obama for winning the Potomac Primaries and she wanted to put the terrible day behind her. A few minutes later, Candy Crowley was in Wisconsin talking about how Obama won all the primaries — when only the Virginia polls had closed. It’s an outrage! Let’s find even more other stuff to yell about!
7:05 PM — Obama has won every demographic except for “Members of the Clinton Family.”
7:07 PM — Women now hate Hillary as much as men. Lou Dobbs is intrigued!
7:09 PM — Too close to call for McCain v. Huckabee. Ron Paul can still win this thing!
7:13 PM — How much do you have to hate yourself and your political party to vote for Mitt Romney today?
7:19 PM — With 2% reporting, Obama’s got double Hillary’s vote. Which black people will Bill blame it on this time?
7:25 PM — Some Republicans voted for Hillary in Virginia’s open primary, because that’s how much they hate McCain.
7:35 PM — We are having trouble finding a funny picture for this post.
7:39 PM — Crabs! Chesapeake Bay Crab!
7:41 PM — Let’s hope Lou Dobbs actually punches Wolf Blitzer tonight.
7:43 PM — MARYLAND WILL NOT CLOSE THE POLLS!!! THEY ARE KEEPING THEM OPEN BECAUSE OF TRAFFIC.
7:44 PM — AND THE SNOW! Jim Newell was on the scene and he will soon post his eyewitness report.
7:47 PM — Shepard Smith on FOX just described the jam as “the worst traffic since the attacks of September 11, 2001.” Voting=Terrorism. Don’t Vote! Protect Your Heritage!
7:50 PM — The guys at MSNBC are going to chip in and buy the network a functional microphone.
7:50 PM — Then again, anything that keeps Olbermann quiet is sort of a technological miracle.
7:51 PM — Tim Russert says, “This race is tight as a tick.” What, did you borrow that from Dan Rather?
7:51 PM — Hillary is losing her main supporters: Old, lower-class people who are still stuck at work, in their dead-end jobs, working for Wal-Mart, which she owns.
7:52 PM — McCain’s headquarters just told CNN that no matter how many states Huckabee wins or even if Huckabee wins the nomination, McCain’s campaign will insist McCain has won the nomination.
7:59 PM — Turnout in Virginia for Democrats was double the GOP primary turnout.
8:00 PM — Let’s predict DC, 3:1 for Obama!
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