Welcome to our new confusing, post-Super Tuesday world! Since Republicans are good at falling into line once the true alpha male is revealed, they seem to have their plan figured out, while the Democrats, with their rampant overthinking and argumentativeness, are beginning to realize that they’ll be processing about who should get the nomination for months and months and months. Is there an alternative to Howard Dean choosing a name out of a hat? As ever, our political cartoonists are here to help. The white lady or the black fellow? Find out how we can pick, after the jump.
Pros: As everyone knows, sexual potency and skill are the most important characteristics of an American president. And the Democratic donkey, being the living embodiment of his party of sex fiends and deviants, is polymorphously perverse enough to properly assess the bedroom skills of candidates of both genders.
Cons: Anti-Mexican sentiment and some lingering sense of shame may give Americans pause about a candidate selected by a literal “donkey show.”
Pros: Many Democrats have been half-jokingly suggesting this tactic for months now. It would not only allow lefties to indulge their typical whiny inability to actually make a decision about anything, but would also showcase the Democrats as a party of futuristic scientific advance into a brave new world of clones and flying cars and domed cities on the moon.
Cons: If the braying, hideous man-beast on display in this cartoon is any indication, the genetic science needed to create the two-in-one candidate might not yet be ready; Would America vote for a shambling, multi-hued Frankenstein? Plus, as the horrifying human-animal hybrid’s rantings indicate, coming up with a combined name may also be tricky.
Nominee to be determined by: Dressing both candidates in fursuits and having them fight with teeth and claws to the death before a blood-thirsty nation.
Pros: Is there anything Americans like better than a good, old-fashioned fight to the death for our love? Also, polarizing voters on the cats vs. dogs issue might make for a refreshing change from polarizing voters along racial and gender lines.
Cons: Americans would probably be OK with voting for someone who killed their opponent live on television, but will no doubt be somewhat unsettled about voting for a furry. Just ask Tom Vilsack!
Pros: The Democrats can cement their position of the party that makes love, not war, and celebrates diversity by proudly showing their two top candidates “yiffing” to a nationwide television audience. Seeing Hillary and Obama literally rutting like cats could bring their respective followers together in a mass earnest wonk orgy that will make everyone feel satisfied.
Cons: Wonderful as this vision is, it has a fundamental flaw when it comes to choosing a candidate. Nobody actually “wins” at sex, which is why most Americans are abandoning it in favor of video games.
Pros: Would allow voters to get to know the candidates at an unprecedented level of intimacy. Vague resemblance to “Pepsi challenge” of the 1980s would tap into omnipresent Reagan nostalgia.
Cons: Despite the artist’s depiction of the two flavors here, we believe that in the event we’d find that Hillary and Obama are both pink on the inside.