You know that whole “He’s in heaven now” thing people say after somebody dies? It’s not true. Nobody’s in heaven. That’s the shocking conclusion of Bishop N.T. Wright, one of those people who actually believes in the Bible and Christianity. And you know who really pisses him off? Maria Shriver, the trophy Kennedy wife of Arnold Schwarzenegger. Shriver wrote some dumb childrens’ book claiming that “good people” go to Heaven after they die. It’s a lie! They’re all still dead. Unless they’re Jesus, apparently.
The bishop tells TIME Magazine:
In the Bible we are told that you die, and enter an intermediate state. St. Paul is very clear that Jesus Christ has been raised from the dead already, but that nobody else has yet. Secondly, our physical state. The New Testament says that when Christ does return, the dead will experience a whole new life: not just our soul, but our bodies. And finally, the location. At no point do the resurrection narratives in the four Gospels say, “Jesus has been raised, therefore we are all going to heaven.” It says that Christ is coming here, to join together the heavens and the Earth in an act of new creation.
So why are Christians so delusional? Why are they so crazy with the “die and go to heaven to live with Jesus” when even the most Christiany Christian in the whole history of Christendom is still dead in the ground?
The bishop says it’s all because Jesus lied to that one thief who was also being crucified that one time. For some reason — probably because He was just a pathological liar — Jesus told the dying thief, “Today you will be with me in Paradise.” (That’s in Luke 23.) Turns out he meant Paradise Arizona, which is where he went with the thief after Tom Hanks rescued them from the cross and they got married to Mitt Romney’s ancestor, Mary Magdalene.