Liveblogging Mitt’s (Maybe) Quitter Speech

 

Naked journalist Mark Halperin is on the Fox News talking about Romney “likely” dropping out during this speech at CPAC today. Is he right? Couldn’t he be wrong? MAYBE HE’S WRONG?? Oh, false hope, ye demon! Let’s see what the Great White Hope, our Mittens Romney, has to say.

12:34 — Everyone has millions of sources saying Mitt will withdraw, but it’s not “clear” whether he’ll drop out during this particular speech.
12:35 — Karl Rove is saying this right now! He’s on the phone, eating fetuses… I think that’s the sound, eating fetuses, that we hear in the background.
12:37 — Ha! Laura Ingraham is introducing Mittens at CPAC. How much Obnoxious could there be in one room? I hope they all beat John McCain, still.
12:39 — If Mitt “suspends” his campaign, see, he can go back and raise more money for himself, since he has no money anymore. Seriously — he has $-500 million! But he also has about $200 million.
12:42 — Laura Ingraham shits all over John McCain for just “saying” he’s part of the Reagan revolution, but actually being a liberal black drug dealer gay man.
12:45 — Laura Ingraham sure is charming.
12:47 — Finally, she’s done. Here’s our big cheese o’ the hour! OMG, the crowd has NO IDEA that he’s dropping out. This is going to be brilliant.
12:48 — “When I spoke at CPAC last year, I was a loser. Now I am still a loser, but I’ve spent much more money.”
12:50 — If America doesn’t change its course, we could become “France of the 21st century.” [LOUD, LOUD BOOS]
12:51 — He looks like he’s gonna cry! I feel sorry for this guy. He tells these nutjobs whatever they want to hear, and they vote for John McCain. SINCE WHEN DOES PANDERING NOT WORK AMONG REPUBLICANS??
12:53 — Tell us about the Mormon Jesus. This is your absolute last chance.
12:54 — Medicare is a drug, and it must die.
12:55 — Fox News caption says, “ALERT ROMNEY: DEPENDENCY IS CULTURE KILLING.”
12:57 — Ha ha, says conservatives will not be dissuaded by “knowing glances.” You know, the way the liberals have those fiery “knowing glances,” the cartilage of fetuses stuck between their teeth.
12:59 — Big enemies: “Putin, Chavez and Ahmadinejad.” Since when did Putin make that class? Doesn’t he have nukes?
1:01 — We need to “get out that ‘weedwhacker’ for entitlements.” Ruh roh, the Barack smears commence!
1:02 — “Radical, violent jihad” = bad, because of Hillary Clinton.
1:04 — “Liberalism” will be renamed “Barack” or “Hillary.” The crowd shouts “Negro” and “dishwasher.” Mitt says “economic neophyte.”
1:05 — When are you quitting?
1:05 — OH OH IT’S COMING NOW.
1:06 — Basically, Barack and Hillary would welcome the terrorists, but John McCain would become the terrorists, for 100 years.
1:07 — He’s quitting, right now. He can’t go on, because of the terrorists. You know what this means: The terrorists are winning by making Mitt Romney quit! HAHAHHA.
1:07 — [THE MORANS IN THE CROWD ARE LITERALLY SOBBING BECAUSE JOHN MCCAIN WILL BE THEIR PRESIDENT]
1:09 — Mitt’s done. Brit Hume has declared John McCain the nominee. The terrorists have defeated conservatism! A beautiful, fitting end to the candidacy of Mitt “Willard” Romney.

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About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

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