Reagan Reagan Reagan! Liveblogging the GOP Debate

 

There you go againThey are sitting! They are serious! They are just saying “Ronald Reagan” again and again. It’s time to liveblog this very special debate from the Ronald Reagan Magical Library in Simi Valley, California.

5:05 PM — Oh great, the cable blinks out. Let’s try the live stream on the Internet.
5:06 PM — Right, because the cable and the Internet both come through the, er, same cable.
5:08 PM — We’re back! Are we in a recession, Dr. Paul?
5:09 PM — This is kind of a shock, but Ron Paul is talking about monetary policy and how John Adams screwed up the corporates or something. Empire! Bankrupt!
5:11 PM — McCain is going walnuts on Romney over that NYT endorsement. Wait, what? Well, the NYT endorsed McCain as a joke, but McCain notes that even the right-wing nut paper in Boston wouldn’t endorse Romney.
5:13 PM — Romney has ruined everyone’s life in Massachusetts, while being a liberal Mormon.
5:15 PM — Did you know Mitt is going to help us with the facts, my friend?
5:16 PM — Are you fired up? Is the GOP base fired up? No? Didn’t think so.
5:16 PM — Mitt Romney saved health care and you creeps are being mean to him?
5:17 PM — Ha ha, Romney just misquoted Reagan — Ronald Reagan’s infamous quote, which he repeated THREE TIMES at the 1988 GOP convention, was “Facts are stupid things. That’s how fucking dumb Reagan was: He could misread the teleprompter script three times in a row and not notice.
5:18 PM — Now we are arguing about the great patriot, Rush Limbaugh, because Rush hates all these guys.
5:20 PM — Oh jesus they are talking about the permits for removing an “ore tank” or something from your yard? What is going on here?
5:21 PM — Mitt just said something or other was “a step to socialism.” His health care plan?
5:21 PM — McCain won’t say anything bad about Arnold and California’s tougher emission laws. Why? McCain needs an Arnold endorsement.
5:23 PM — It still kind of cracks us up to watch Republicans talk about “climate change.” Hippie-ass fruits.
5:24 PM — Come on, McCain! Wake up! You are supposedly winning, Grampa.
5:25 PM — Anderson Cooper asks Romney the same question McCain just sleep-walked around, and Mitt decides he’ll evade the question, too.
5:26 PM — “They don’t call it ‘America Warming,’” says Mitt. Really? That’s what all the cool people call it.
5:27 PM — Mike Huckabee is all for the laboratory of government known as states’ rights. We like it, too, although there are occasionally problems, like how some states own the slaves and other states have the weapons factories. What ever happened with that, anyway?
5:28 PM — Here comes Ron Paul! He is going to also evade the question, and try to talk about how he’s conservative and the others are not, but Anderson Cooper was all, “I promise, man, we’ll talk about that some other debate, after you drop out.”
5:30 PM — Have you noticed how bad the traffic is these days? Mike Huckabee knows about it! Jeez, you can just sit in traffic forever!ssss
5:31 PM — These are some big issues. Big, basic issues …. for infrastructure engineers.
5:32 PM — None of these people want to be president. They don’t even care. They’re all being PAID to be fall guys. Ron Paul’s talking about The Empire Strikes Back. And whatever he says, he then claims that nobody said it, even as he’s saying it.
5:33 PM — Four Paultards clap after that, then Reagan’s Imperial Guard takes ‘em outside and shoots off their hairless baby nuts with a Space Laser.
5:34 PM — Uh oh, Walnuts is going to nuke Norway.
5:35 PM — Who is the baldest, shortest candidate? McCain or Huckabee?
5:36 PM — You know what these guys ought to do? They ought to get on that prop Air Force One plane and fly into space to stop the terrible satellite that’s going to destroy Earth. Of course, they will not survive out there, but we’ll sort of remember them anyway, later.
5:38 PM — Honestly, let’s send them to space on that goddamned prop plane.
They could ALL be like Donald Sutherland
5:39 PM — California is pretty much filled with Mexicans. How will you stop them, Huckabee?
5:40 PM — What about S’hamnesty Mc’Cain? Will he suddenly become anti-Mexican in order to win the nomination?
5:43 PM — Mitt Romney wants you Mexicans to go home for a while to Mexico, where his polygamist family is from.
5:45 PM — McCain: “Sure, I wanted Shamnesty, but now we all know that upsets the base GOP voters, so of course I believe something totally different now, we’re all in agreement, I’m a Maverick, now what do you want me to do?”
5:47 PM — Happy 116th Birthday, Nancy Reagan!
5:48 PM — Ronald Reagan’s diary: “I don’t care about these abortion nuts, either.”
5:49 PM — Commercial break! Let’s make a new post with new comments and, perhaps, a new and greater purpose for America.
5:59 PM — Okay, over here! And we truly thank you for slogging through this miserable-ass sleepytime GOP debate. You people are honestly providing the ONLY entertainment, in the comments.

Related

 
Related video

About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.